


Suite Nothings: Wolfstar Edition

by femmedefoi



Series: Wolfstar AU Fics [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - America, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Bisexual Remus Lupin, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Abusive Relationship, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mentions of Cancer, Mild Language, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Near Death Experiences, Roommates to lovers, Slow Burn, This work is partially based on real life roommate experiences, Yes I was inspired by my own work sometimes you need to be your own role model oKAY, and they were ROOMMATES, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 61,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28488861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femmedefoi/pseuds/femmedefoi
Summary: When Remus Lupin was placed into a suite with James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black for his first year away at college, he didn't have very high expectations. When Sirius Black was placed into a suite with James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin for his first year at college, his expectations couldn't have been higher.As the year goes on, Sirius and Remus each discover that sharing a room with the other might be the best thing that could've happened to them. But will either boy have the nerve to make a move?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Wolfstar AU Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2086896
Comments: 113
Kudos: 332





	1. Move-In

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Suite Nothings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24040195) by [femmedefoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/femmedefoi/pseuds/femmedefoi). 



> It's been a minute since I've posted anything on here *shrugs sheepishly*, sorry! For what it's worth, your girl's in law school AND working full time, so...I've been a bit busy. 
> 
> This should be my longest author's note, mainly because I'm throwing all of the context and necessary explanations at you--the rest will be shorter, I promise. If you have no desire to hear about the origin of this story, skip down to "Anyway, onto important business."
> 
> This idea came to me in the middle of finals season (because that's the most helpful time for a plot bunny to crawl out of the woodwork of your mind, isn't it?) and I was SOLD. 
> 
> I wrote the original Suite Nothings when I was a sophomore in college, conveniently also sharing a room with three others (unfortunately, I didn't fall in love with any of them, to everyone's dismay). To this day, it's one of my favorite fics that I've ever written (I've been doing this for a decade now, so...that's some decent praise).
> 
> So when my OTP hijacked SN's plot in my mind, I couldn't say no. Most of this is finished so I should be able to post pretty regular updates, but maybe don't quote me on that...Like I said, there's a lot going on over here. 
> 
> Anyway, onto important business. I've tagged all of the things that I know for sure are in the story already, but I'll likely add a few that I forgot as the story progresses. Additionally, I'll try to put a warning in each chapter's A/N for any potentially triggering subject matters that may show up in that one, but feel free to let me know if I miss something. 
> 
> Now that that's out of the way, I present to you Suite Nothings: Part II.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine. 
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of cancer, brief mention of anxiety, mention of violence, mentions of abusive behavior, mentions of homophobic behavior, some foul language. 
> 
> Enjoy!

**August**

* * *

Remus Lupin hadn’t wanted to go away for school. He’d planned on attending the community college down the road, staying near to his mother, and keeping his job as an ad hoc librarian on the side. He’d only even _applied_ to out-of-state schools to make his mother happy—”you’ve got to at least _aspire_ to something outside this town, Remus,” she’d said. And he did, _honestly_ , but his aspirations lay in reading aloud from an alcove in a cozy cottage in the countryside, or staying up until the wee hours of the morning typing away on his laptop to fill out a plotline. Those sorts of dreams didn’t need a Big School education, they just needed _an_ education. 

His mother thought he was selling himself short, but after an adolescence spent in and out of hospitals, full of blood tests and prescriptions and various treatments, Remus had come to appreciate the mundane. All he needed was to get a degree. Nothing fancy, nothing special, just ordinary college credits to qualify him for proper work. Then he’d move out of his mother’s place and find himself an apartment and take work as a copyeditor, or a paralegal, or a court reporter, or...well, he hadn’t quite figured out that bit yet, just that he’d find _some_ job. 

With his life planned out in such hazy certainty, the only thing Remus had been sure of when he began applying to schools was that he wouldn't be going far from his mother, which he was quite happy about. Because of this, when his mother slid a letter addressed from Princeton, New Jersey across the dinner table, Remus nearly dropped his glass of water. He’d gotten in. Somewhere between his personal statement about growing up in a single-parent household while battling cancer and his portfolio of short stories, they’d determined that he was a good candidate for their school. _Not just a good candidate_ , Remus thought as he swapped the sheets to read the financial statement offering him a near-full scholarship, _a great one._

That was how Remus found himself stretching his legs in slight discomfort as his mother parked their car, fresh out of a 14-hour road trip. He looked up at the Gothic style architecture and sighed. Remus was excited to start classes, but not so much so that he was ready to leave the peace and quiet of the midwest. He counted at least 12 overly-excited upperclassmen in neon orange shirts and cringed after speaking to one about where the dorm was located. He’d hoped to interact with as few people as possible today, outside of his three roommates and his mother. Speaking of, his phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see that she had texted before making his way back to the lot. 

Hope Lupin was leaning against the car when Remus arrived. She’d had Remus young, and were it not for a few gray hairs that had only recently begun to spring from her reddish hair, she’d have fit right in as a graduate student or young professor. Her lithe figure seemed dwarfed by the shadows of the ancient-looking buildings, and for a moment, Remus thought about what this time in her life had looked like. She’d met his father when she was 17, he knew, married him at 21, and had Remus at 22. She didn’t talk about those years much, Remus assumed because they were too tainted by memories of her former husband. Leaving their family empty handed when Remus was still a toddler hadn’t endeared him to either of the remaining Lupins, and despite being told that he was a “spitting image of his father,” Remus hadn’t gotten much more from his mother about the man. Until now, apparently. 

“You look just like your father at this age,” Hope sighed, “it’s uncanny, really.”

Remus smiled gently. “So I’ve been told.”

His mother slung an arm around his waist and guided him towards the car trunk to grab his belongings. “Such bean poles, you Lupin men,” she shook her head. “Your father studied English too, did you know that?” 

Remus looked at her curiously. “No, I didn’t,” he said. “I’d always assumed he studied business or economics or something else that convinced him we were a sunk cost. English though? Wouldn’t have pegged that.”

His mother sent a mildly disapproving look his way before grabbing his bedsheets and speaking again. “He was. He pored over classics, wrote short stories in his free time, read aloud to me by the fireplace in our house when we were your age—all the usual ways to seduce a woman.”

“God, if that’s how you seduce _women,_ I suppose that I’m doomed as a queer creative writing student.”

Mrs. Lupin quirked a smile at him, “I didn’t say I was the _only_ one he managed to seduce, Reg. You’ll be just fine, always have been.”

“Reg? What am I, 12? Next you’ll be calling me RJ like I’m in kindergarten again.” Remus shot back. 

His mother gave him a gentle smack on the arm before closing the trunk. “Not my fault you decided to get old. You had one job, kiddo, forgive me for wishing you hadn’t grown up so fast.”

Remus blushed as he slung his backpack over his shoulder, grabbed his suitcase, and turned towards his residence hall. His mother followed quietly behind him and the two stopped at a reception desk to receive a key, before trekking up four flights of stairs and arriving at room 412. Construction paper name tags were hung on the door: James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. _At least I won’t have the strangest name in the group_ , Remus mused with a quiet chuckle as he tried to control his diaphragm.

“All good, Remus?” his mother offered up quietly as her son caught his breath at the doorway. Even three years out from his last treatments, Hope was cautious with him, and it was one thing Remus was eager to leave behind. He sighed. 

“Fine, mom. Just want to be ready for conversation in case my roommates are already here.” He shot a reassuring look back at his mother before slotting the key into the lock and turning it. The dormitory had a common room, outfitted with a couch, two chairs, a coffee table, and a television. A multi-colored blanket was haphazardly thrown over the back of the couch, cluing Remus in to the fact that at least one of his roommates had been there. Based on the slightly ajar door with a sign reading “James and Peter” on it, it was one of those two. He turned around and motioned for his mother to follow him in, and the two made their way to the door on the right, its deep green “Remus and Sirius” sign hanging askew. Remus knocked out of courtesy, and, hearing no response, turned the doorknob. 

The room was an average size. The two beds were situated on opposite walls, with two small chests of drawers under each bed. Two small closets were positioned across from each other in an alcove-like space at the back of the room, a window between them with a cushioned seat beneath it. Opposite the closets were two tall dressers, side by side, and a desk sat at the foot of each bed. It was nice, Remus decided. He was especially excited about the cushioned seat by the window—he predicted a good many afternoons curled up with a blanket and re-reading his favorite books. After surveying it and giving a nod of approval, Remus walked in properly, his mother behind him. The two spent a half hour unpacking and arranging his things—Did Remus have enough shampoo? Did he want his first edition of _The Hound of the Baskervilles_ on his desk, or did he want to get a bookshelf?—before Hope took a cursory glance around the room and sighed. 

“You need some decoration, the walls in here are terribly boring,” she remarked while scratching her scalp gently. Remus recognized his own nervous tic in his mother and smiled a bit. She’d fully realized the whole “my only child is going halfway across the country” business and her anxiety was kicking into high gear. Remus was familiar with the feeling. 

“It _is_ a dormitory, it’s not meant to be _that_ exciting, you know,” he replied, turning to face her fully. “But I might get some photos or posters for the walls to make it feel more homey, if that makes you feel any better.”

His mother smiled, but her lips wavered, and Remus barely had a moment’s notice before she’d taken two steps to meet him in the middle of the room and grab onto his arms tightly. He looked down and saw tears in her eyes and felt his heart swell with love for the woman who’d raised him, weathering storms that no one could’ve predicted with a grace and strength that few could’ve mustered, always with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. She looked away from his gaze and removed a hand from his arm to swipe a tear from her eye. Remus waited for her to compose herself before he pulled her into a fierce hug. 

“You’ll make sure to take your medicine every day?” she murmured into his shirt. He huffed quietly. 

“Yes, mom.”

“And you’ll call Dr. Smythe if anything feels strange, or uncomfortable?”

“Yes, mom.”

“And you’ll call me if you don’t feel well, emotionally, I mean?”

“Mom, I’ll be alright. I promise you.” Hope leaned her face into his chest and squeezed him tighter. 

“You’re a good boy, Remus Lupin. You’re going to do an amazing job here.” 

Remus laughed. “So you’ve been telling me. Just don’t expect me to come home and be the next F. Scott Fitzgerald, alright?” 

His mother laughed and released him. “C’mon Nick Carraway, my parking spot is only good for another ten minutes.” Remus rolled his eyes before following his mother down the stairs, chuckling. The walk back to the parking lot was full of quips about tigers and New Jersey—“I’m warning you, they’re all _terrible_ drivers, kiddo. Wouldn’t trust any of them behind the wheel.”—until they arrived at the car. 

Remus pushed his hands into his pockets as his mother turned the key in the ignition and stepped back out of the car to lean against it. Hope Lupin surveyed her son carefully. His 6’2” frame was slouched somewhat, but the hazel of his eyes bent green today—nervous, then. Despite the nerves his mouth was curved in a familiar smirk and Hope noticed that the curls of his dirty blond hair hung just a bit too long for her liking, and smiled. He’d grown up quite a bit in the last three years, and while she knew that she’d clung to every minute spent with him following his diagnosis, she was somehow shocked that they’d arrived at this moment. She suspected she’d always see him dually, as he was in the present and as he was when he’d lain too-still in a hospital bed at 7, and 12, and 15. She shuddered faintly. 

“You’ve got two jobs while you’re here, Remus. Two jobs, alright?”

Remus quirked an eyebrow up at her. “Oh?”

“I couldn’t care less what your grades look like, okay? Those are important, but the notoriety of this name,” she gestured to the campus, “it’s more meaningful than any ‘A’ will ever be. So don’t worry about those. That’s your first job. Just focus on learning and writing.”

“And the second?”

“I know you’re all about the little things these days, but,” Hope sighed dramatically and flung out her arms, “You’re in _college_ , live a little!”

“You’re about to get in a car and drive 900 miles away from your only child and you’re telling me to ‘live a little,’ mom? Is that really wise?” the corner of Hope’s mouth pulled up at the end of the question.

“I trust you more than enough to think it a good idea. You deserve to have some part of your youth, even if it's come a bit later than it should’ve. Make some friends, live your life—be careful, of course—but enjoy yourself, alright? Everybody says college is the best four years of your life, and I won’t pressure you into that, but I _do_ want you to come out of this whole ordeal with some good memories. Can you do that for me?”

Remus rolled his eyes, expecting his mother to drop the facade, but when his gaze landed on her frame again, her expression was earnest. “You’re being serious?”

“Remus, you’ve dealt with adulthood and the real world for far too long. I want you to be able to have fun for once,” she intoned carefully. “Promise me you will?”

“I promise.”

“Good boy, now give me a hug.” Remus snorted and took easy steps towards his mother, leaning down a bit and pulling her into an embrace. 

“I’m so proud of you, Remus. You have to know that,” she mumbled into his neck as Remus stroked her head. 

“I know, Mom. I know. I love you,” and she was crying again. They stood there for a bit longer before Hope pulled away. 

“I ought to get going if I’m to make it to Ohio by tonight. You’ll be alright?”

Remus nodded. “I’ll be alright.”

“Good. I love you, Remus. Go have some fun.”

“Love you too, Mom. I will.”

Remus stood on the curb until he saw the car disappear around the bend before walking back towards his dormitory. He took his time going up the stairs this time, letting the feeling of solitude wash over him. It was unusual, he mused, to feel so alone when he’d only lost the presence of one person. He made his way into his still empty dorm, grabbed a novel off of his desk, and perched on the window seat with the book in his lap.

 _Make some good memories_ , _huh? I’ll do my best, Mom._

* * *

When Sirius Black’s parents dropped him off unceremoniously on the Princeton campus, his first course of action was to figure out where the _hell_ he was, and where he needed to go. His suitcase wasn’t all that large, but after 30 minutes of dragging it uphill towards what appeared to be the center of campus in the heat of early August, he was exhausted. Sitting down on a bench near what looked like a student center, Sirius pulled out his phone to re-read the email with his housing information. A smile pulled at the corner of his lips when he saw the three missed messages from his brother.

10:00 AM — “ _ **S**_ ** _till mad that you guys flew down to New Jersey without me. It’s not that long of a flight, and we ALL know Walburga and Orion have the funds for it. Whatever.”_ **

Sirius snorted. Regulus wasn’t wrong, their parents had more than enough money to have flown him down with them. It wasn’t about spending the money on Regulus, it was that in spending money on Regulus, they’d be indirectly endorsing Sirius’ choice of school, which they were firmly against. He rolled his eyes before moving to the next message.

10:02 AM — **_“I know they’re still pissed at you for choosing Princeton instead of carrying on the family legacy at Harvard, but I think that’s bullshit. It’s your life, not theirs. I’m still shocked that they thought you’d be willing to follow dad’s footsteps and go into business. Honestly, have they even met you?”_ **

Sirius smiled at the first half of the message. _At least Regs is still on my side, that’s worth something._ But his brother’s comment had truth in it. His parents had never been particularly thrilled about the path he was on, even when he was younger. Sirius knew he’d been a bit of a handful, but that’s just how children _were_. But his parents disagreed, and he was told as much frequently. Everything had a place, and each of them had a role. If as much as a toe was out of line, well...Sirius didn’t like to think about it much. When they’d found out he was gay, he’d been pulled out of school for a week to “visit family,” according to his parents. Instead, Sirius had been grounded to his room while the bruises on his face and back healed, feeling legitimately scared of his parents for the first time in his life.

It hadn’t been the first time they'd hit him, nor the last, but it was certainly the worst. Later, after he refused to recant his declaration of his sexuality, his parents found darkly clever ways to make hurtful insinuations and mocking jokes about his “lifestyle,” as they put it. Veiled comments would turn to vitriol when they returned to the family home, and behind closed doors, Sirius would’ve sworn that his mother thought he was a criminal based on her treatment of him. That was part of the reason he’d been so dead set on attending some school, _any school_ , that wasn’t his parents’ alma mater. As dramatic as it sounded, he couldn’t bear to give them another aspect of his life to hold over him. 18 years of their rhetoric weighed too heavily on his shoulders, and even now, he wasn’t fully convinced that he hadn’t deserved some of the fury that had been directed at him. 

He shook his head. At least when Regulus had come along, Sirius was able to shield him from some of their anger. His younger brother was the only reason he’d stayed sane in that house, he was sure of that. Regulus wasn’t quite as... _feisty_ as Sirius was. He’d learned early on when to shut his mouth, a trait that Sirius envied, and was largely ignored by their parents when they went on a tirade. Regulus was far more sensitive than his brother because of it, and Sirius couldn’t be more pleased. He’d always thought that Regulus was too good for their family, too kind. His parents had their spite, that much was obvious, and Sirius...Sirius had his anger and his recklessness. But Regulus was kind and clever and good, somehow. Sirius grimaced as he thought about his baby brother being left with his parents. _It’s two more years, he just needs to get through two years,_ he kept reminding himself, but the sick feeling in his stomach didn’t seem to accept that as sufficient reassurance. 

10:05 AM— **_“Anyhow. I’m proud of you, just wanted to let you know that I am, no matter what they say. You’re my favorite brother and I’m excited for you to finally move out and be independent. You’re going to be amazing, because that’s just who you are. (And as a bonus, it’ll be a great ‘fuck you’ to M & D.) Love ya, S. See you in November.”_ **

Sirius grinned. He hadn’t chosen Princeton exclusively to irritate his parents, but the fact that it did was the proverbial cherry on top of the rather obvious middle finger that he’d given them by choosing to study history and education instead of something more beneficial to the family business. He shot back a quick “ _Love you too Regs, see you soon,_ ” before shifting over to browse his emails. “ _Room 412...Roommates: James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin*._ ” Sirius’ gaze jumped to the bottom of the email to figure out what the asterisk meant. Ah, his _actual_ roommate then. He wondered if his name sounded as ridiculous to his roommate as his roommate’s did to him before deciding he should get a move on towards the student center. 

20 minutes later saw Sirius pulling his suitcase with one hand as he tried to locate himself on the pamphlet map he’d been given with the other. After all his traversing across the campus, it turned out he’d been closer to his dorm before he came to find the student center. He sighed. It was times like this that he wished he’d gone to Harvard, at least he would’ve had people to commiserate with. Whatever. _He was here now, wasn’t he?_ He wondered as he looked up at the building where he’d be living for the next nine months. Taking a deep breath, he walked in. 

After getting a key and making his way up what must have been a hundred steps, Sirius arrived at his dorm. It was getting close to lunchtime, and as he heard his stomach rumble Sirius suddenly realized that he hadn’t eaten all day. Figuring he might as well eat after he set up his things, Sirius walked through the door. The common area was surprisingly spacious for a first-year dorm and based on the blankets and pillows thrown onto the couch, his suitemates were already here. He turned to find his room, door sign slightly uneven, and knocked before opening it and grinning. 

His roommate— _Remus_ , he reminded himself—had already moved in. A rather threadbare looking blanket had been placed on top of the boy’s comforter, next to a copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and an unopened chocolate bar. Sirius was tempted to swipe the candy for himself, but restrained himself and looked around the rest of his roommate’s things instead. The shelf above the desk was full of books, and Sirius could see a cloth bag hanging off of Remus’ bed that had straight edges indenting the fabric and realized there were more novels that hadn’t made the display. The email from Student Residence Services hadn’t given much information about his roommates at all, so Sirius did his best to pull together a picture of what this Remus kid was like. 

Books, most of which were used or second-hand versions. An olive green backpack hanging on the back of the desk chair with nothing in it yet (Sirius checked, just to be sure). As Sirius threw his suitcase open on the floor and took out his bedding, he caught a glimpse of a pair of shoes under his roommate’s bed and slid them out gently. A white pair of converse with a small flag painted on the heel in pink, purple, and blue. Sirius smiled widely at that. _At least he wouldn’t have to deal with homophobia from this kid_ , he thought as he repositioned the shoes to make it seem as if he hadn’t moved them. He finished setting up his bed and stood back to survey the room’s setup. A piece of paper on his roommate’s desk caught Sirius’ eye when he did, and he opened it. It was a small card with a daisy on it, with a short note inside saying that the sender was “proud of him, but couldn’t wait to see him again in October,” signed by someone named “Jules”. _Maybe he’s got a girlfriend, then?_

When he turned to face his bed again, he noticed a sheet of paper on his own desk and walked over to read it. 

**_“I wanted to leave a note here for you in case you started moving in while I was out at lunch. I’m Remus, your roommate. I hope you don’t mind the side of the room I left you—if you do, I’m happy to switch over. It’s not like there’s a ton to move anyway. It’s 11:30 as I’m writing this, and I expect I’ll be back in about an hour and a half. If you move in sometime in that stretch of time and want to grab lunch or if you need anything, feel free to shoot me a text, my number’s in the email from SRS._ **

**_— Remus Lupin”_ **

Sirius smiled. The kid sounded like a saint. From the few personal effects scattered around the room, he seemed decent enough, if nothing else. Sirius typed out a message to the boy on his phone, but paused as his finger hovered over the send button. _Why bother texting when he’ll be back in an hour? I can introduce myself then._ Deleting the message and throwing his phone onto his desk, Sirius looked around the room again. It was quaint enough, but...it was missing something. Decorations, maybe? Shrugging his shoulders, he decided to kill some time while he waited for his roommate’s return. He considered finding food, but remembered the 100 step ordeal and ruled against it. Instead, he walked over to Remus’ desk and perused the books displayed there. Gently tilting _The Great Gatsby_ off of the shelf, Sirius grabbed a pillow off of his bed and made his way over to the window seat at the back of the room. 

The cushion on the seat was alright, he supposed, but the wall was far too rigid to lean against. He positioned the pillow behind his back and maneuvered his shoulder into the corner of the little nook before nudging off his shoes and drawing his feet up onto the cushion, knees bent to create a sort of book stand for the novel to rest against. He made it through the first two chapters before losing focus. He’d never been one for the Jazz Age, and Fitzgerald’s descriptions of Jay and Nick and Tom and Daisy made his stomach turn a bit as he thought about his family. He walked the book back over to Remus’ desk and carefully replaced it in its spot on the shelf before returning to the window seat and sighing. 

He missed Regulus already. By now, his younger brother would’ve jumped on his bed and told him to start making friends and exploring. Sirius _had_ promised to do those things, but they didn’t need to happen within the first three hours of being on campus. He looked around the room, searching for something to do. He was still uncomfortably sticky from his trek across the campus, so he reached into his bag to grab a new shirt to change into. His hand had closed around the collar of a shirt when he felt something rough brush his knuckles. He pulled the shirt out, and then reached back in to grab the unknown object. When his hand found it, Sirius let out a sharp gasp. He pulled his hand out of the bag and opened it gently. A small figurine, made out of wine corks and painted to look like a dog, rested in his palm. 

“Padfoot…” he mumbled quietly. His brother’s dog, the one that Sirius himself had made when Walburga had brought Regulus to tears by angrily announcing that they would most assuredly _not_ be bringing a mongrel into their house. 

His phone chimed from the desk, and Sirius walked over to check it, glancing incredulously at the dog in his hands every few seconds in disbelief. 

12:39 PM — **_“You unpack yet?”_ **Sirius chuckled. Leave it to Regulus to lead with dramatics. He typed out a quick message in the affirmative before placing the dog reverently on the shelf of his desk. His phone buzzed again. 

12:41 PM — **_“Good. Just wanted to make sure you had something to remember me by, you dork.”_ **

_As if I could ever forget_ , Sirius thought to himself, before snapping a quick photo of the dog on the shelf and sending it with a “ _How could I_ ?” message. A few minutes later, Regulus indicated that their parents returned, and Sirius huffed in frustration. He wasn’t sure the anxiety and guilt about leaving Regulus with his parents was going to dissipate anytime soon. _“Love you Regs. Let me know if you need anything, alright? I’m in New Jersey, not across the damn world.”_

12:50 PM — **_“10-4, S. Love you too. Miss you.”_ **

Sirius sighed, suddenly confronted with a wave of exhaustion. He supposed he should’ve expected that, given all of the walking around campus he’d done with his 50lb suitcase, but he was surprised nonetheless by how quickly it came on. Not wanting to ruin the bedding that he’d only just set out, Sirius returned to the window seat and curled up against the pillow. Closing his eyes and thinking of his brother, he drifted off just as the door to the suite opened.


	2. Of All the Wonders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius gets a call at 10AM, and Remus gets one a week later at 2AM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with part two!
> 
> I feel obligated to inform you that this chapter gets...more than a bit sad, so if you're not in a place where you can read about these subjects, please make educated decisions on whether or not to read this--for your own sake. (Warnings are listed below for specificity).
> 
> I had a bit of a time writing this, dug up some of my own responses to similar situations, cried a bit at 1am, and ended up here! Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Brief mention of cancer, brief mention of anxiety, mention of suicide, character death by way of suicide, general grief and coping , mentions of alcohol abuse, some foul language.
> 
> Enjoy!

_“Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, it seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."_

_Julius Caesar_ , Act II, Scene II, Lines 34-37.

**—September 21st—**

* * *

Sirius wasn’t sure he was functioning, not really. 

Seven days had gone by. 

Seven days without any “ _Love you”_ or _“Miss you”_ messages. 

Seven days that he’d had to try and grieve his brother. 

His mother hadn’t given any details when she notified him, in the most shocking display of effort that he’d seen out of either parent in almost a decade. Sirius had been in class, his phone in his backpack when his Professor had been interrupted mid-sentence by a representative from the Student Services office at the door. _So sorry to interrupt, Dr. Wilson,_ she had said. _I know this is a bit unorthodox, but is a student named Sirius Black in class today?_ Dr. Wilson’s eyes had scanned the classroom before gruffly calling out “Black? Sirius Black? Are you here today?”

Sirius had gathered his things and followed the Student Services representative out the door after apologizing to his Professor, who’d given Sirius a strange look before waving at him to go. He’d tried to get an explanation for what he was being pulled out for, but the woman was tight-lipped, providing only that someone had been trying to contact him about a family emergency. At that, Sirius reached into his backpack and fished around for his phone. _Dead_. That would explain why they’d called the school, he supposed. 

As he’d followed the woman into the Office of Student Services, she’d gestured at him and asked the receptionist if “the parents” were still on the line. A nod and a brusque hand motion later, Sirius was being ushered into an empty office with a direction to answer the phone when the call came through. He’d sat down in the chair and stared at the open doorway before the phone rang and startled him. 

“Sirius?”

“Mom?”

“Why didn’t you have your phone on?” his mother had breathed out sharply, sounding very unlike herself. 

“The school said there’d been an emergency...Is everyone okay? Is Reg—”

“Your brother is dead,” his mother said flatly. “The service will be in two weeks, and you _will_ be expected to attend.”

Sirius had tried to respond, but there was no air in his lungs. He’d gasped into his hand while holding the phone away from him before pulling it back to his ear to hear his mother speaking again.

“Sirius? _Jesus,_ the nerve you have to be disrespectful now, of all times. Your father and I need to handle the legal affairs, but a plane ticket has already been purchased for you. You’ll be in attendance for the service—where you will behave _appropriately, do you hear me?_ —and then you’ll fly back to school the next day. Are we clear?”

Some sort of discernible noise must’ve made its way out of his throat, because his mother had sighed and said “And _don’t_ pull this ‘not-answering’ nonsense again, are we understood?” harshly before hanging up the call.

Sirius didn’t remember walking out of the office. Or getting back to his dorm. Or laying down in his bed. Only that he’d ended up there, listening to Remus chat amicably with their two suitemates in the common area. 

Sirius didn’t think that Remus would ever forgive him for having gone through his things that first day. Remus had come back to the dorm and upon discovering that Sirius had touched his things, turned on his roommate with an icy glare, telling him that he would _not_ be touching Remus’ things again if he didn’t want to be reported to the Office of Student Conduct. Sirius had recoiled a bit in confusion— _t_ _hey were just some books, weren’t they?_ —before nodding in agreement and walking out to find food. The two had barely spoken since. From the conversations Sirius had had with James and Peter, Remus was nice enough to them...So it was just him, then. He wasn’t sure how much time needed to pass before Remus would accept an apology, or if the boy ever would. Sirius hadn’t tried to figure out whether his roommate’s anger had simmered some, he’d just kept his head down. 

The call had come on a Friday, a small blessing, Sirius realized. He’d only had Dr. Wilson’s course in the morning, and after coming back to the dorm had laid numbly on his bed for the rest of the day. And the day after. And the one after that. If Remus had noticed that Sirius didn’t get up and go to classes at his usual times, he hadn’t said anything, and Sirius took that as tacit endorsement. He’d spent five days in that routine—spending half of the day sleeping uneasily, waking at odd hours from nightmares where he imagined any of the various painful ways that Regulus had died; the other half lying awake staring at the wall, desperately hoping this whole thing was a bad dream. 

James had finally come to check on him on Wednesday, after noticing Sirius’ absence for the second time that week in a class they shared. As soon as the boy had entered, Sirius realized he needed to pull it together. So he’d presented some excuse about not feeling well, and dissuaded James from taking him to the health center because “he was fine” and didn’t need anything. After James had left, Sirius sat up properly for the first time in days and told himself to get off his ass and start preparing for the following week. Which he did, for two days. 

But it was Friday again, and Sirius wasn’t sure he was ready to go back to Dr. Wilson’s class, despite it being his favorite course thus far. He grabbed his phone and double checked that it was fully charged, staring at it for a bit too long before walking out of the suite to his class. The lecture was..interesting? At least, Sirius thought it was, from the absentminded notes he’d taken in his journal. The class slipped by unappreciated until Sirius went to leave and Dr. Wilson pulled him aside. 

“Student Services doesn’t usually pull students directly out of my class, Mr. Black. I’d assume there was an emergency of sorts, are you alright?”

Sirius studiously avoided the gaze of his professor before swallowing thickly. He hadn’t said it out loud yet. He wasn’t ready. He wouldn’t _ever_ be ready. 

“Um...Not quite sir, but things are being taken care of by the rest of my family back home,” he stammered out quietly. Dr. Wilson looked at him carefully. 

“Mr. Black,” the older man began, “I know that schools like Princeton often carry a reputation of cutthroat academic cultures, but I hope you’re aware that if there’s ever something troublesome going on in your personal life, you can reach out to someone at our wellness center to talk.”

Sirius nodded mutely, and the professor gazed on with concern before sighing. “Run along then, but if you need an extension on the assignment due this Thursday, do let me know.”

Sirius murmured a quiet ‘thanks’ before pivoting and walking quickly out the door. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket almost immediately, and seeing no new messages, exhaled in relief before making his way back to his dorm. He’d done enough trying today, he figured, by attending class and speaking with his professor. He was ready to get back in bed and pretend none of this had happened—that Regulus had faked his death so he could escape their parents’ house and would show up a bit worse for the wear, but _alive_ on the front steps of his dorm. 

Sirius knew better than to dream of that, but he still looked around hopefully when he reached the building. When no younger brother emerged from the bushes or stood up from the benches, Sirius let his head drop and pulled open the front door. 60 steps later—Sirius had finally found time to count them—he was back at the dorm. He walked into the room silently, subconsciously noting Remus reading a book on his side of the room, and threw his backpack on his desk. Grabbing his phone out of the side pocket, he moved to climb onto his bed, and had made it halfway through the process when his phone chimed in his hand. Glancing down, he recognized the area code and scowled. _What more could any of his family members possibly have to tell him?_

Hopping down from the rungs on the side of the bed, Sirius sat down at his desk to read the message.

10:28 AM — “ ** _Sirius...It’s Andie, your cousin. Sorry about the number, had to get a new phone after dad kicked me out. I just read about Regulus in the paper...Are you okay?”_ **

_At least it was Andromeda_ , Sirius thought. His cousin was the only person he’d liked in his family—beyond Regulus, that is. She’d always been a bit more progressive in her beliefs than the rest of them, and when she’d been written off by her parents, Sirius had been saddened to lose his only other ally within the family. _Regulus’ death was in the paper, though?_ Sirius supposed he wasn’t exactly surprised to hear that someone had written about it, considering the notoriety that his family name carried back home, but still. He swiped over to his internet browser and typed in his brother’s name before dropping his phone on the desk with a clatter. 

Sirius thought he heard someone speak from the other side of the room, but his head felt like it was slowly being swaddled with cotton as he looked down at his phone. 

**_“Bright, Caring, Full of Potential": Community Grieves Son of Local Business Mogul Lost to Suicide_ **

That couldn’t...It couldn’t be the truth, Sirius decided. This had to be someone playing a cruel trick on him. But as he reached out with a shaking hand to scroll for the rest of the article, his other hand came up to his mouth and he choked back a sob. 

“ _A statement from Orion Black, CEO of Toujour Pur, confirmed the death of the family’s youngest son Regulus Arcturus earlier this week. Regulus is remembered as “bright,” “caring,” and “full of potential” by peers and teachers, who have tied black ribbons on local trees in his honor. As the deceased is a minor, no formal details surrounding the death have been released by the local authorities, however the autopsy report published today has indicated that the Blacks' youngest child died of suicide. The Black family has requested privacy in this tragic time, and has encouraged mourners to make donations to NAMI in memory of their son, who is survived by his parents, Orion and Walburga, and his older brother, Sirius. A private service will be held on Thursday, September 28th.”_

Sirius’ eyes blurred over as he got to the last line. He suddenly felt like he was choking on air. He needed space, needed to be out of the dorm, needed to get outside where he could breathe. Grabbing his phone off the desk, he darted to the door, slamming it on his way out, and ran from the suite to the fire escape on their floor. After maneuvering out of the window, he climbed to the top level and collapsed against the corner of the railing as harsh sobs tore from his throat. _I_ **_left_ ** _him_ , Sirius thought _, I left him with them and he..._ Sirius couldn’t bring himself to think the words, it couldn’t be real, it just...couldn’t. But the more he tried to avoid the words, the more clearly they seemed to swim behind his eyelids. His thoughts felt disjointed, his head spinning with the idea that these two impossibilities had somehow become his reality. 

_His brother was dead._ A statement of fact that he’d been actively fighting for seven days. A statement that _shouldn’t_ be a fact at all, not about his sixteen-year-old brother. But the burning in his throat told him that it was, and he dry heaved over the edge of the metal frame, wishing more than anything for this nightmare to be over. He took a few minutes to collect himself to a certain extent, until his breathing was no longer made up of gasps but ragged chokes, before connecting the first thought to the second with a tenuous string. 

_His brother had died of suicide._ The gasps came back, worse than before, because while his brother’s death on its own could’ve been attributed to a number of causes, as soon as he’d read the word “suicide,” Sirius had known in his _soul_ that he had murdered his brother. If he had just stayed, if he had just gone to _Harvard_ for fuck’s sake, if he hadn’t left his brother so ill-equipped to live in that house…

 _“_ Regulus,” he murmured, repeating it over again with clasped hands as if his brother’s name was a prayer that could absolve him of his guilt. He sat there, offering up confession after confession to whatever God was listening for hours. Sirius desperately pleaded for Regulus to be alive, for his own life to be taken in Regulus’ place, for any sort of atonement he could do to bring his brother back. 

When the tears stopped coming, Sirius realized it was getting dark and decided to go inside. As he began to climb down the metal steps, however, he caught a glimpse of a group of freshmen heading towards Main Street and was struck by an idea. Ignoring the slightly open window to his own floor, Sirius carefully climbed down the rest of the escape until he reached the ground before checking his wallet. His friend’s fake ID that he’d confiscated two weeks back was still there, he was golden. With a shuddering breath and a swipe at his eyes, Sirius made his way towards the local bars, determined to drink enough to numb the ache in his stomach that had been growing into a chasm all week—or at least to die trying. 

* * *

It couldn’t be later than 2am, Remus groaned. It was 2am and his alarm was going off. It was 2am _on a Saturday_ and his alarm was going off. Why the _hell_ was his alarm going off?

Remus rolled over and fumbled around for his phone, still making that obnoxious chirping noise. Pulling it close to his face, he blearily opened his eyes when he realized that the usual “press the power button” method wasn’t working to shut it off. 

An unknown number was calling. 

Confused, Remus answered with a groggy “ uh… ‘lo?”

“Hiiiiiiii Remus.” Remus’ eyes shot open. 

“Sirius? What the hell, it’s 2am” Remus heard a giggle from the other end. 

“But but but I had an important question and it couldn’t waiiiiit.”

Remus paused before responding. “Are you drunk right now?”

“Maybe…” another giggle followed, before Remus could make out an exasperated voice coming from behind Sirius.

“Mister Black, I’m going to need you to get off of the phone soon unless this is someone who can take you home after your procedure” the woman’s voice intoned in the background.

“Sirius, who was that?”

“No time to talk, Moon Boy. Can you come pick me up in a little bit?” Remus pinched his eyes in frustration.

“How am I supposed to pick you up when I don’t even know where you are? And what d’you mean ‘in a bit?’ Did you forget what time it is?”

Remus’ roommate didn’t respond. Instead, the stern female voice from earlier did.

“Your friend is…” she paused, as if trying to find the words to explain the situation delicately, “rather incapacitated at the moment, Mr….” 

“Lupin.”

“Mr. Lupin, yes. Well. Mr. Black is here at Mercy General, we’re going to be performing a procedure and he told us to contact you.”

“He’s—I’m sorry, he’s undergoing a procedure at 2am? What sort of—“ Remus paused, and the puzzle pieces all snapped into place. A mysterious text that had made Sirius pale dramatically. Sirius slamming the door on his way out of the dorm before noon. Sirius calling him drunk. From the hospital. At 2am. _Jesus_ , they were pumping his stomach. 

“I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

* * *

After parking James’ car in the lot, Remus practically ran into the emergency department of the local hospital. A brief chill went through him when he remembered the last time he was admitted to the emergency room back home, but he shook it off as he walked to the nurse’s reception desk. 

“Um...Hi, I’m looking for my friend? Sirius Black? I got a call that he—”

“Are you family?” the redhead at the desk asked without looking up.

“Well no, but—”

“Then you’ll have to sit over there,” she said, pointing to a row of uncomfortable looking plastic chairs. 

“Um, okay...Just, if I’m his emergency contact,” Remus paused to let those words roll around in his mind for a moment before continuing, “Will someone notify me when his procedure is completed?”

“ _You’re_ his emergency contact?” the woman looked up at him for the first time in their conversation, skeptically appraising him. Remus nodded nervously. She sighed tiredly before quietly muttering “Alright, give me a moment,” and disappearing past a wall behind the desk. 

Remus cracked his knuckles, but after noticing what he was doing, forced his hands away from each other. Instead, he pushed one into his pocket and moved the other to his head, methodically running his fingers through his hair while regulating his breathing. He had a lot of questions, from “What happened?” to “How did I end up as your emergency contact?” but full answers to both of those would require Sirius’ input, which he currently didn’t have. 

After realizing that he’d likely be waiting for a bit, he sat down and tried to puzzle out the second question regardless. When Remus first met Sirius, back in August, the boy had been asleep by the window. Remus had initially smiled, thinking he’d gained a kindred-soul of a roommate, before turning to face his things and realizing that _someone_ , likely the boy by the window, since he’d left their door locked, had gone through his backpack. And moved (possibly read?) his card from Juliana. And pulled out one of his books. Remus thought he might just be confused at first, but no, he quickly realized, he was angry. 

Despite not having grown up with siblings, Remus wasn’t particularly touchy about sharing things with others—when they asked. But his books...those were something else. Those were years spent poring over classics while sitting through chemotherapy sessions, or reverently given gifts from his mother on his 18th birthday—which neither of them had been fully convinced he’d make it to—or Sundays in the local bookstore with Juliana. Those were _his_ , his memories, his adolescence. They were something precious and valuable and while he was happy to share their brilliance with someone who would appreciate it, they weren’t to be thrown around or used with no regard for their worth. 

So yes, he decided. He was livid. And he told Sirius as much when he woke up, with a cold tone to his voice and an expression that spoke of deep disappointment. Remus thought he’d seen Sirius flinch a little when he’d raised his voice, but whatever the reaction was, it was gone before Remus could catalogue it properly, and his roommate had quietly replied that he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. 

The two didn’t talk much after that. Sirius seemed to retreat into himself, and for all of the manners that his mother had taught him, Remus couldn’t ever seem to find the right moment to apologize. Instead, he’d made friends with the other two boys in their suite, deciding that he ought to be on speaking terms with at least _some_ of his roommates. But he’d stolen glances at Sirius when no one was looking, and Remus had started getting worried about a week ago. Last Friday, he’d been sitting in the common room telling James for the third time that _‘no, he didn’t want to come to the party at that Matthew kid’s place later that night’_ when Sirius walked through the suite to their room, looking dazed. Remus had debated going in after him, but ended up ruling against it, figuring that their lack of a relationship didn’t exactly bode well for him asking about Sirius’ general wellbeing.

When he’d finally gone into their room later, Sirius was laying on his side, facing the wall that his bed was against, and Remus breathed a sigh of relief that the boy was already asleep. But he stayed that way the next day, and the day after, and the one after that. Remus didn’t know his roommate’s schedule by heart, but he could’ve sworn that Sirius was usually out of the dorm before he was. By Wednesday, he’d convinced James to peek into the room around midday if Sirius didn’t show up for the class they shared. Sirius was fine, James had reported back, just a little under the weather but he’d claimed that he’d be back in class the next day. 

Everything had been normal for 24 hours, until Sirius had gotten that text today. Remus had been reading a collection of penny dreadfuls that his professor wanted them to emulate when Sirius had walked in, loudly throwing his backpack onto the side of his desk and jolting Remus out of his tranquility. A text chime had rung out as Sirius was climbing up onto his bed and moments later there was a clattering noise as Sirius’ phone fell from his hands onto the desk. Remus had snapped his head up from his book to look at Sirius, who was standing stiffly, blood draining from his face with each passing moment. Sirius’ hands had been shaking and his phone was still rocking slightly from the impact against the desk when Remus had spoken. 

“Sirius?” he’d offered tentatively, not knowing what could’ve caused that sort of reaction in his roommate. Admittedly, he didn’t know much about the boy, but he knew _enough_ to know that something was wrong. Sirius was clearly shaken up by whatever he’d just seen, and as his roommate, Remus had felt obligated to make sure he was alright. 

But he never got the chance, as Sirius had run out of their room, slamming the door, before Remus could ask after him again. _And look where that got us_ , he thought as he brought himself back to the present, _in the waiting room of the ER at 3:00 in the morning._

The receptionist finally came back after a half hour, with a nurse in tow who directed Remus to follow her. He did, trying not to shiver at how eerily familiar it felt to walk down hospital hallways. The nurse stopped at the doorway to the second to last room on his right, and turned to face him. 

“Mr...Lupin, was it? I assume you’re aware of what’s gone on?”

Remus shook his head and the nurse narrowed her eyes at him. 

“Mr. Black arrived severely intoxicated, and fell unconscious moments after he spoke with you over the phone. We took him in for a gastric suction procedure—what you’d likely call a stomach pump—in order to flush the toxins out of his system. He’d just woken up when I came to get you, so I assume he’ll be alert enough to interact with you shortly,” she paused as a gagging noise came from behind the door. “It would also be prudent of me to note that he’ll be staying overnight. While excessive alcohol consumption isn’t uncommon among college-aged students, we’re required to administer a survey regarding a patient’s mental health if they’re brought in for any substance-abuse related incidents.”

Remus nodded solemnly, wondering what exactly he’d gotten himself into. Another gagging noise spilled into the hallway and the nurse grimaced before holding the door to the room open for Remus. 

The first thing that he noticed was the smell. While Remus’ medication and general bent towards being a rule-abiding citizen meant that he had never had alcohol, he was familiar enough with the substance to recognize its scent hanging thickly in the room, as if someone had poured an entire bar’s worth of liquor into the air itself. He then let his eyes focus on Sirius, massaging his throat gently and watching Remus with a surprising amount of awareness for someone who’d been blackout drunk an hour before. The two maintained tense eye contact while the nurse surveyed them, before she sighed and gestured for the other nurse to follow her out of the room to give the two boys some privacy. 

“So,” Remus began, “Good day, huh?”

He’d said this while walking around the bed to sit down in a chair, and Sirius’ head had whipped around to face him before barking out a short laugh and then wincing.

“You could say that.” He paused. “What’re you doing here, Remus?”

“ _You_ called _me_. Apparently, I’m your emergency contact. Any of that ring a bell?”

Sirius shook his head slightly, not wanting to irritate his already sore throat any further. 

“No...Can’t say I particularly remember that.” He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, wincing slightly. “Sorry...I know it’s early. You can go back to the dorm if you want.”

Remus snorted. “After all of the effort I put into getting my ass over here, and arguing with the receptionist, and standing around in the waiting room for an hour? I think not.” He shot a concerned glance at his roommate. “No, I’ll be sticking around until you leave. Anyhow, you’re going to need a ride home.”

Sirius shifted and opened his eyes to meet Remus’ gaze. “Hadn’t thought about that one...Fair enough, you win.”

“I think you mean, ‘you win _Moon Boy_ ,’” Remus offered up quietly, a smirk creeping its way onto his face. 

Sirius groaned. “Oh God, did I really say that?”

Remus nodded. 

“Sorry...I don’t exactly think we’re on a nickname basis yet.”

Remus chuckled. “That’s more my fault than anyone else’s, it’s fine. And trust me, ‘Moon Boy’ is _not_ the worst one I’ve ever heard. At least it’s moderately clever.” 

Sirius smiled gently before his eyelids began to slip again. 

“Hey Sirius? I’m—” Remus started, and then ran a hand through his hair in frustration before trying again. “I just wanted you to know that I’m not mad about the books anymore. There hasn’t been a good time to tell you, but I thought you should know.”

Sirius nodded, his eyes still closed. “I appreciate that.” He paused. “If only I hadn’t undone all of that progress I’d made in gaining your esteem by getting you called to the ER at three in the morning.”

Remus chuckled quietly. “There are worse things I could be doing at 3am.” He looked over at Sirius, whose head was sliding down to rest on his shoulder. “But you look exhausted. Get some rest, maybe try to sleep off that hangover. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” Sirius whispered with a smirk, before falling asleep moments later. Remus looked around the room for a comfortable place to rest, seeing as he’d now been roped into an overnight hospital visit as well, but had determined that there were exactly two items of furniture in the room: the chair he was currently sitting in, and a couch running parallel to the hospital bed that his roommate was in. After a few glances between the boy and the couch, Remus stood up slowly, giving his joints time to adjust to him standing again. He walked over to the couch and situated himself on it, pulling his long legs in towards his chest to give himself as much space as possible. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, within minutes he was asleep as well.

* * *

“— and we _are_ going to be recommending that you take a course on responsible alcohol consumption from your university’s health center, but beyond that, you’re free to leave.”

Remus’ eyes fluttered open slowly to see Sirius sitting up in the hospital bed, a slight flush across his cheeks. 

“Good to go then?” Remus said sleepily as he pulled himself into an upright position. Sirius nodded, seeming considerably more muted than he had been the night before. Remus yawned and stood up to stretch, while Sirius climbed out of the bed carefully and moved to grab his personal effects that the nurse had placed on the counter. The boys faced each other, quietly cataloguing the other’s fatigue before Sirius spoke, his voice catching a bit as a result of the previous nights’ procedure. 

“You drove then?” 

Remus smiled guiltily. “Stole James’ car.” 

The corner of Sirius’ mouth turned up a bit. “Well let’s go then. I’ve signed all of the paperwork, so we shouldn’t need to do anything else.”

Remus gestured towards the door and waited for Sirius to walk through before following. The two climbed into James’ car, a slightly dated minivan he’d inherited from his mother, and Remus turned the key in the ignition before pausing to look over at his roommate. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he offered quietly, shifting his gaze over his shoulder to back out from the parking spot. “I’d understand if you didn’t, but...I don’t know...Sometimes it’s nice to get it out.”

Sirius glanced over at Remus’ face, now pointed straight ahead at the roadway, before sliding his gaze down to a small scar on Remus’ upper arm, exposed under what was clearly an old pajama shirt of his. The kid _had_ shown up at the hospital at 2:00 AM without question, even though they weren’t on good terms—perhaps Remus wasn’t as bad as he’d initially thought. Sirius shifted his head to look out the window. Before he could speak, though, Remus continued. 

“For what it’s worth...It doesn’t have to be about last night, even. You’ve seemed a bit unwell all week, and I was afraid that it’d come off poorly if I asked what was wrong...” he trailed off, before finishing quietly. “I should’ve asked anyway. Sorry about that.”

Sirius looked over in surprise. Remus’ facial expressions were transparent. Sirius had realized as much soon after meeting him, when he caught a series of conflicting emotions warring on his roommate’s face after he’d told Sirius off for touching his books. As he studied Remus’ face, Sirius saw frustration and disappointment and...guilt? Sirius hadn’t expected Remus to actually feel bad about the fact that he hadn’t asked what had happened, but there it was, plainly written on his face. 

Sirius shrugged. “Wasn’t your job to ask, it’s not your fault,” he paused. “Plus, I don’t know if I’d have answered you even if you _had_ asked.”

Remus’ guilty expression faded, replaced with a more earnest one instead. When he spoke, it was gentle, as if he didn’t want to make Sirius uncomfortable by the question.

“Does that mean you’re going to tell me?”

“You _did_ get called to the ER in the middle of the night. I figure that probably warrants some sort of explanation at least.” Sirius shrugged again. 

“Only if you’re comfortable, don’t want to force you to talk about things you’re not ready to.” Remus responded quietly, eyes never leaving the road. 

“It’s my younger brother Regulus,” Sirius started, before pausing to look out the window and inhale deeply through his nose. “He’s dead.”

Sirius felt as if his throat was closing, and he suddenly realized that he’d never said the words aloud before. He swallowed thickly before shifting his head to face the front. Remus was silent, giving Sirius the space to say all of the words he’d been carrying around for a week.

“He died last Friday, and I found out more about the circumstances of his death yesterday and didn’t take them well.”

“That’s understandable.” Remus stated calmly. “I lost a friend of mine when I was younger. I didn’t have alcohol at my disposal at the time, but I’m not _entirely_ convinced I wouldn’t have done something similar if I hadn’t been living with my mom.”

“I’m...sorry to hear that.” Remus smiled a bit at Sirius’ apology. 

“No worries, it’s been years. But your brother—Regulus, you said? What was he like?”

Sirius took a deep breath and brought his arm up against the window and propped his head up there. 

“He was...All of the best parts of our family. Smart—he was so _damn_ smart, the kid could pick up a language like no one’s business. And _good_ too. He always had such a good heart—he used to make snowflakes for all of our neighbors in the winter, you know the ones that you’d make by folding paper and cutting weird patterns into them? Every year when he was little, he’d make a string of them and bring them to our neighbors. They all loved him,” Sirius smiled wistfully. “He was a good kid. Always was. Far better than I ever was.”

Remus’ smile was tight when Sirius looked over, but genuine nonetheless. 

“Sounds like you loved him.”

Sirius nodded and turned his head back to the front again. “He was an easy person to love, all things considered. Always making sure everybody else was doing alright, staying out of trouble, doing well in classes.”

Both were quiet for a moment. Remus squeezed the steering wheel tightly before relaxing his hands and asking the question that had been on his mind for the last 24 hours.

“What changed? Yesterday, I mean.” 

Sirius was silent, and Remus immediately started cursing himself for having asked such a personal question and began stuttering out an apology. 

“I’m so—God that was a stupid question. You don’t have to answer that, I shouldn’t have asked—You’re not—”

Sirius cut him off with a weak smile. “It’s fine. And a fair question anyhow.” He drew a sharp breath. “I found out yesterday that he killed himself.”

Remus’ eyes widened but he pointedly avoided Sirius’ gaze, instead pulling a hand off of the wheel to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“ _Jesus_ ,” Remus breathed out. “God, Sirius, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius didn’t respond. He was looking out the window now, hoping that if he didn’t make eye contact with Remus, the conversation wouldn’t feel as real as he knew it was. Seeing that Sirius had turned away, Remus spoke again, his gentle voice hardened slightly, breaking the silence. 

“There aren’t really good words to say in response to that. Not that you asked for them, I mean, just...It’s a hard thing for people to come to terms with, you know?” Remus shook his head. “Stupid question, of course you know. It’s just…” he trailed off, searching for the right words to at least express his thoughts, if not to comfort Sirius.

“People are always like ‘oh, he’s in a better place now,’ after someone’s died, you know? And maybe they are, maybe he _is_ , but none of _them_ are the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. _We_ have to do that. We have to find the joy to fill the empty places where they once were, and the friendships to try and make up for what was lost in them and...it’s exhausting. It’s not ‘all good’ just because they aren’t ‘suffering on earth’ anymore, and I just...I think it’s stupid when people say that.” He shook his head firmly, and then exhaled loudly in frustration. 

“Things like this are shit. _This_ is shit. You shouldn’t be dealing with this at 18, your brother shouldn’t have been dealing with this at 16...None of this is okay.”

The car rolled to a halt as they pulled into the lot nearest their dorm. Remus looked over at Sirius, who was staring at him in shock, tear tracks on his face.

“I—that was a lot, I’m sorry,” Remus said, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “I just think it’s bullshit when people try to tell you that everything is fine after something like this. Your world just flipped on its head, you don’t want pointless mantras about the ‘sun coming out tomorrow,’ you want your _brother_ back.”

“Yeah,” Sirius choked out quietly. “I do.”

Remus frowned at the dark-haired boy sitting next to him. 

“I’m really sorry, Sirius. _Really_. If you need...I know I don’t have much to offer, but...If you need anything, let me know, okay? Even if it’s just to talk.”

Sirius nodded, wiping the tears off of his face and moving to get unbuckled. 

“Talking might not be so bad, if you’ll tolerate me,” Sirius responded quietly. A kind smile appeared on the younger boy’s face. 

“In that case, what do you say we clean up and get changed and then go grab that ‘get-to-know-you’ lunch that we never had?”

Sirius smiled weakly before nodding again. 

“I think that’d be alright.” He stepped out of the car, but paused as he shut the door. “Hey Remus?”

The boy in question turned to face Sirius from across the car, and worried hazel eyes examined Sirius carefully before he arched an eyebrow in response. 

“Thank you.”

“Of course. What are roommates for?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you have it--a bit sad, but...on the bright side, it's only going up from here (within reason...this is a rollercoaster, not a mountain LOL). 
> 
> Hoping to upload the next chapter sometime this week, but if not by then, I'll be back by the weekend.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	3. Civil Blood Makes Civil Hands Unclean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus decides to shove homophobic idiots, and one such homophobic idiot strikes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part three! Faster than I expected!
> 
> This entire chapter was inspired by one prompt, and I...can't say I hate it. There's some mild violence in this chapter (a shove, a punch, and an implied slap), so if you're not about that, skip from the line starting with "Remus' hands came up to push.." and pick back up at "Severus, get away from him!"
> 
> As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Brief mention of cancer, mildly homophobic comments, sexist comments, mention of grieving, mild violence , mentions of blood, some foul language.
> 
> Enjoy!

_”From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.”_

_Romeo and Juliet_ , Act I, Prologue, Lines 3-4

**—October 26th—**

* * *

Remus was trying very hard to ignore the boys at the table behind where he and Lily had been sequestered for the last hour. It was midterms season and he and Lily Evans, a girl he’d met in orientation and grown close to in the last two months, had agreed upon a study date—if only so they could rent a table and spread out all of their books and journals. 

Somehow, James had gotten wind of their study plans and practically _begged_ Remus to be invited, going on about having seen a stunning girl named Lily Evans in his English class, and how he wanted to ask her out but needed to determine if she’d say yes or not, and wouldn’t Remus play a wingman just for the night? Remus had scowled goodnaturedly but agreed, on the condition that James brought Peter so as not to monopolize the whole evening with stolen glances at the “girl of his dreams.” Remus relayed as much to Lily—the ‘friends are joining me’ bit, not ‘my roommate thinks you’re his soulmate’ one—who’d replied that if his roommates were half as kind as he was, they were welcome to join. 

So the three trudged off, Sirius having opted to stay behind and read. He’d been doing that a lot lately, opting out of spending time with the three of them, and although the swore he was fine, Remus wasn’t entirely convinced. Losing a sibling, especially so young, wasn’t something that a person just _got over_. But he couldn’t force Sirius to spend time with him and the others, despite how much friendlier he’d gotten with the dark-haired boy. Tonight, Remus had settled for an ‘I’ll text you if I need anything,’ which, he supposed, was better than nothing. After the incident in September, the two had finally saved each other’s numbers—Remus going for a practical “Sirius Black Roommate,” while Sirius typed in “Remus ‘Moon Boy’ Lupin,” much to his roommate’s amusement. 

Arriving at the library, Remus shot off a quick text to Sirius to let him know they’d arrived before locating a waving Lily and directing his suitemates to follow him to the table. After what might have been the most painfully awkward introduction Remus had ever seen from James, the three boys sat down and took out their textbooks. Flipping through the pages, Remus landed on the collection of short stories he was expected to review for his exam and sighed. Lily looked up at him and smirked. 

“Long day?”

“Long _week_ is more like it.”

Lily giggled, and an attractive flush spread across her cheeks, causing James to look up and Peter to roll his eyes. 

“Remus, it’s _Tuesday_.”

“Yes and?”

“Yes _and_ how is the week already exhausting to you when there have only been two days of it so far?”

James jumped in, eager to join the conversation. “Hey, give our Remus a break there, he’s been busy!”

Remus brought a hand up to his face in embarrassment as he felt his ears redden. 

“Busy doing what?” Lily challenged, an eyebrow raised in amusement.

“I don’t know for sure, but a little birdie told me that someone in room 412B had a _date_ last night,” James replied in a sing-song voice, and Remus was sure his face couldn’t get any warmer. 

“It wasn’t a date, James,” he ground out with mild frustration, “it was just two friends going to see a movie.”

Peter snorted. “Hate to break it to you man, but two guys who are into dudes going to see a rom-com by themselves...kind of sounds like a date.”

“It was NOT a Rom-Com!” Remus whispered indignantly, “ _10 Things I Hate About You_ is a modern retelling of Shakespeare’s _The Taming of the Shrew_. I told you— _both_ of you,” he gestured at James and Peter helplessly, “It’s a classic, and we both agreed that Heath Ledger deserved an award for the movie, so we went to see it. That’s all.”

James chuckled. “Whatever you say, man. We aren't here to judge you,” he smirked, “just to cast well-wishes on your past and future dates with _Matthew_.” 

Remus rolled his eyes and stared intently at his textbook, waiting for his suitemates to go back to their own work before speaking again in a hushed tone to Lily, who sat across from him. 

“If you must know, I was a bit under the weather and ended up sleeping for most of the weekend, but now that I feel alright, it’s a bit like I never had that weekend at all.”

“Remus!” Lily’s voice came out in a near-shout and Remus crashed his head down onto his hands as some nearby students shot irritated looks their way. 

“Sorry,” Lily offered apologetically, “but why didn’t you _say_ something? Was everything alright?”

“Uh, well…” Remus trailed off, knowing his suitemates were listening, despite their feigned focus on their respective journals. For what it was worth, Remus decided, they already knew this side of his story, and Lily didn’t seem like the type to abuse this information. Plus, she was bound to find out _eventually_ , wasn’t she?

“I, uh, had cancer,” Lily’s eyebrows shot up, homework abandoned and Remus hurried to reassure her. “It’s all good now, I’ve been in remission for a few years. But I’m, you know, on medication, and whatever the health center gave me for the flu symptoms I was having must’ve interacted poorly and just knocked me out.”

A sympathetic expression came over Lily’s face, and she reached out to squeeze his hand. “Well I’m glad that you’re okay, but if things go south, you know you can give me a call, right? I mean, we see each other every day, it’s not like I don’t care about you!”

Remus glanced at their hands and smiled softly. “Yeah, I know. Thanks, Lils.”

“Of course.”

“But anyway, that’s why I’m so tired this week, I suppose. Must’ve thrown off my circadian rhythm or whatever.”

“Makes sense. Well, want to set a timer for fifteen minutes from now and we’ll discuss the first two stories when it goes off?”

“Sounds good to me.”

* * *

“—which I think is because the author…” Lily trailed off mid-sentence, her eyes darting worriedly to something past Remus’ shoulder. 

“Lily? You okay?”

“Yeah…” Remus raised an eyebrow and Lily relented. 

“Well, not quite.” Remus continued to level a curious look at her until she sighed and met his gaze again. 

“Remember when I told you about that absolute _asshole_ that I went to high school with?”

“The one that you had been friends with who ended up bullying you for dating someone else and putting up those awful posters about it?”

Lily glared at him, and he grimaced apologetically. 

“Yeah, _that_ one. Don’t look now but he’s sitting at the table behind you.”

Remus shifted in his seat to look anyway, but Lily yanked his arm, causing him to tumble forward into the table and knock their textbooks off of the side with a ‘thump’ that echoed through the open space. 

“I said _don’t_ look now, Remus!” she hissed, before her eyebrows furrowed in frustration. “Oh _great_ , now he’s seen me. He’s going to come over here, _God_ I should’ve chosen a different school!”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. “He was that bad?”

Lily nodded. “Whatever you’re thinking? Double it. Still not bad enough. I could spend hours telling you about the trauma he inflicted on my friends and I, but it’s really not worth it. _He’s_ not worth it,” she said as her eyes flicked back up to a space above Remus’ shoulder. 

“You didn’t tell me he went here,” Remus said quietly. 

“I didn’t think it was important. I’d hoped I just...wouldn’t run into him. Bad luck on that one, it’d seem.”

Before Remus could respond, a slender boy with chin length black hair had strolled up to the table and bent down dramatically to pick up Lily’s small textbook between his thumb and his forefinger. 

Dropping it unceremoniously on the table in front of her, the boy spoke. “I believe that belongs to you, Evans?” James and Peter looked up, and after exchanging a glance with Remus, placed their pencils down in anticipation of the drama that was about to unfold.

“Go away, Snape.”

“Well, that’s no way to speak to an old friend! To think if Slughorn could see you now,” the tall boy, Snape, clicked his tongue sharply three times, “he’d be so disappointed that his favorite student was so rude to his nephew.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Get lost, Severus. You stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.” 

“Mm but where’s the fun in that? It’s so much more amusing to stick around and see what nonsense I can get up to by being in your way. What’s that phrase? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?”

“I’m not sure what your deal is, but she said to get lost, and I think you should listen,” James spoke coldly from the seat next to Remus. While Remus knew James well enough to find him about as threatening as a small puppy, there was a certain intensity and fierceness about his suitemate that made him intimidating when he chose to be. James was tapping into those things now, it would seem, his chest puffed a bit and his arms crossed in clear displeasure. 

“Oh, what’s this? Got yourself another boy-toy to swoop in and save the day, Evans? Is he the first one you’ve trapped this year, or is he,” he paused, pretending to do the math on his fingers with a smirk, “in the double digits?”

Remus was shocked and more than a little confused. Lily didn’t seem like that type of person, but even if she was...That was her choice to date around, if she wanted. Why did Snape care so much about her love life?

“Hey!” James interjected before Lily could respond, “Leave her alone, man. It doesn’t matter what _number_ I am. Get out of here.”

“At least you’ve got a man who’ll stick up for you this time around. What about this one, does he not talk much?” Snape gestured at Remus lazily, before his eyes landed on the tri-colored flag pin on Remus’ backpack. “Or is he just too much of a princess to speak up?”

“Leave Remus out of this.”

“Remus...” Snape paused, “You wouldn’t happen to be the Remus Lupin living with Sirius Black, would you?” Remus froze. That seemed an oddly specific piece of information for this boy to know. 

“Why does it matter?”

“Because he’s an asshole, and I’m trying to see if it’s contagious.”

“Bold of you to think I’d agree with your assessment of my roommate.” Remus responded coolly, before he could stop himself.

Snape opened his mouth to speak but Lily cut him off. “Severus, _enough_. If you want to be a dick to me, then have at it, but leave my friends alone.”

Narrowed eyes surveyed the four of them coldly. “Whatever Evans, have fun with your _pets,_ ” he spat, before turning on his heel and walking away. 

As soon as he’d left, Lily dropped her head down to look at her book, seemingly fixated, while Remus and his suitemates exchanged glances. James spoke first. 

“Uh...Lily? Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

James held his hands up in an easy surrender. “Hey, no need to get snippy, just wanted to make sure he didn’t—“

“He didn’t what, exactly? Hurt my _feelings_? I’ve known Severus for 15 years, this isn’t new,” she stated darkly, furiously copying down something into her notebook. “And beyond that,” she said, tossing her pen down as she tore through the page of her journal, “I don’t need help defending myself against him, especially not from the likes of you.”

Remus was thrown off by the commentary, and looked between James and Lily with confusion. 

“What, you don’t think I’ve seen the looks you’ve been giving me in class? Defending me from an idiot that I’ve been sparring with for over a decade isn’t the way to get a girl to date you, Potter.”

A hurt expression crossed James’ face, and he quickly started packing up his things. Peter followed his lead, and a moment later, the two were gone. 

Remus watched his suitemates leave before turning back to face his friend. “That was a bit harsh.” 

“He’s been staring for weeks. He needs to move on. And _I_ don’t need someone to fight my battles.”

“Evidently.”

“Not you too! I’m a perfectly capable young woman and I don’t need to be dating someone right now, especially not someone who can’t even be bothered to get to know me before making a pass at me.”

Despite the outward perception of his suitemates’ actions, Remus quietly disagreed with Lily, but was wise enough to keep this opinion to himself for the time being. 

“Alright, well...Back to _The Yellow Wallpaper_ then?” he offered hesitantly. Lily nodded and turned her head back to her journal, twisting a strand of her hair around her finger anxiously.

* * *

“ _The Library is now closed, but will reopen tomorrow at 7am. Please return all outstanding rentals to the carts near the elevators. Thank you.”_

“That’s our cue,” Remus stated quietly. Lily murmured her assent with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes as she started packing up her things to leave. Remus frowned, taking a cursory glance behind him to check on the boy from earlier, but the table was empty. 

The two made their way to the front of the building with their books in tow, Remus offering up bad jokes under his breath that had Lily giggling by the time they reached the exit. Holding open the door, Remus allowed Lily to walk through first and nearly ran into her back when she stopped abruptly instead of continuing down the steps. 

“Lily? Are you alright?” he said as he edged around her figure to get out of the doorway. 

“So he _can_ speak. How quaint.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. Severus Snape was leaning against the railing, a cigarette dangling between his fingers and the friends he’d been sitting with in the library now nowhere to be found. 

“Do you have something meaningful you’d like to say to either of us, or can we get on our way?” Lily bit out in frustration. 

Snape chuckled. “I do, actually.” He began walking towards the two of them, and Remus instinctively moved in front of Lily, to the dark-haired boy’s delight. 

“I get it,” he angled the hand with the cigarette towards the stairwell and then towards Remus as he spoke. “The other one has the snappy comebacks and _this_ one stands between you and a threat. You really _do_ get around, don’t you?”

“Oh shut up, Severus. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

The boy smirked cruelly. “At least your taste has improved, you could’ve been stuck with this one’s queer roommate, you know.”

Remus stiffened. “What did you say?”

Snape shifted his eyes off of Lily, taking a pull off of his cigarette and flicking it away as he stepped closer to Remus and blew the smoke into his face. 

“I _said_ that at least she didn’t end up with your queer roommate. You’d probably know better than anyone that he’s an emo freak—”

Remus’ hands came up to push Snape away from him before he could question the action. The boy staggered back, almost tripping over the backpack that he’d left on the ground behind him. 

He heard Lily exclaim behind him, but his indignation at someone insulting Sirius largely drowned it out. 

“Don’t talk about Sirius like that,” he ground out. He could handle those comments when they were directed at him, but _Sirius_? Sirius didn’t deserve that. He took a step back and turned to face Lily again with a furious look on his face. “C’mon, let’s go.”

The two began walking away from the library when Remus heard his name from behind and turned sharply, only to immediately stumble and fall against the steps as he was met by an angry fist making contact with his face.

He heard the crack from his nose before he felt it, and within seconds there was blood flowing over his mouth. He knit his eyebrows together and squinted as the pain registered, and heard Lily gasp and move from where she’d been standing beside him. The sound of a slap echoed and Remus’ eyes shot open.

“Severus, get away from him! He didn’t do anything to you,” his friend was saying, before she rushed back to Remus’ side. “Go! Keep away from him—and me. I’ll call the campus police on you if you come anywhere near us again!” she shouted towards the other boy before turning back to Remus.

“Remus, are you—” she moved to stand in front of him. “Move your hand, come on now, let me see.” Remus shifted his hand away from his face and Lily gasped. “That’s a lot of blood.” Remus smirked with a wince before turning to spit some of it out from the back of his throat.

“Not exactly how I expected my first fistfight to go, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

Lily rolled her eyes before surveying the rest of him and reaching down to offer him a hand up. “You’ve got blood all over you! Come on, we should get you back home so you can change into clean clothes.” Remus chuckled before taking her hand and standing up properly. 

“I don’t need an escort, you know.”

“Don’t start with me, Remus Lupin.”

Remus sighed before accepting the offered arm around his waist, and the two students began slowly making their way back to his dorm.

* * *

Walking into the boys’ dorm, Lily snorted slightly at the sight of James and Peter passed out on the couch, a movie still running quietly on the television. 

“Alright, which one’s your room? I’m going to go wet a washcloth and try to fix...” she trailed off, gesturing at his face, “this business.”

Remus smirked. “Not sure there’s much you can do about the state of things, Lils. And I’ve got ice packs in the mini-fridge that Sirius and I have in our room, you know. I’ll be fine.”

Lily sent a glare his way, daring him to defy her again. “Remus, there’s _still_ blood streaming out of your nose. I have half a mind to take you to the health center and make them look you over,” Remus’ eyes grew wide. “Yeah exactly. Just be grateful I’m willing to take care of this myself. Now, which one is yours?”

Remus pointed at the room on the right with one hand, his other holding a tissue under his nose as he tilted his head down. Lily grimaced and turned to leave the dorm and head to the bathroom at the end of the hall, pausing before she walked out the door. 

“Go sit down in there, okay? I’ll be back in a minute or two.”

Remus nodded and unlocked the door to his and Sirius’ room quietly, hoping his roommate had already gone to sleep. No such luck, as Sirius began speaking without looking up from his book the moment Remus stepped through the door. 

“How was studying with Evans? James told me about Snape, did he give you guys any more trouble after they left?”

Remus shook his head and then realized Sirius wasn’t watching him before speaking.

“Uh, no he left us alone the rest of the time we were in the library.” It wasn’t _technically_ a lie, Remus rationalized, he really didn’t give them any trouble until they’d left the building. 

“That’s good at least, the guy’s a di—” Sirius stopped mid sentence. “ _Shit_ , Remus! What happened to you?”

Remus, who had turned his desk chair around to sit in it, looked up sharply at Sirius’ exclamation and winced. He hadn’t gotten a chance to look in a mirror yet, but he knew his nose was still bleeding, if nothing else. Now that he thought about it, the tissue under his hand _did_ feel a bit damp. He pulled it away and cursed quietly as he fumbled around in the desk drawer behind him to find another tissue and came up empty-handed. He held two fingers up to the bottom of his nose and turned around fully to find his first aid kit, nearly falling out of his seat when he rotated back around and saw Sirius standing in front of him with a concerned expression. 

“What the _hell_ happened to you?”

Remus blushed. He knew enough about medical emergencies to know that this _certainly_ wasn’t one. “Nothing a little soap and water can’t take care of, Sirius. It’s fine.”

“Bull _shit_. There’s blood all over your clothing and it’s pouring from your nose.” 

Remus felt like that was a bit of an over exaggeration, given that his nose was barely dripping at this point, but gave Sirius a pass since he _was_ covered with an alarming amount of blood. 

Sirius knelt down in front of him, and reached a hand out to get a better look at his roommate’s face. 

Remus flinched and Sirius visibly recoiled, horrified at the younger boy’s reaction. The dark-haired boy stood, taking a step back before giving Remus another once-over, slowly working his way from Remus’ blood spattered shoes, to his slightly torn jeans, to the puddle of blood just under his chin. He avoided eye contact for a moment before Remus sighed tiredly. 

“I didn’t mean to...It’s okay,” he said quickly, “really, I’m fine. I don’t think the adrenaline’s worn off yet, that’s all. Give it ten minutes and I’ll probably be asleep after exhausting myself,” he smiled crookedly, trying to reassure his roommate. 

Sirius’ eyebrows were furrowed but he knelt in front of Remus again, challenging Remus with his eyes to stop him if he was uncomfortable. Remus chuckled lightly before huffing out “Well go on then, what’s the damage?”

Sirius moved closer then, and gently tilted Remus’ chin up to get a better look at his face. He took in a sharp breath as he surveyed the evidence of the fight and Remus felt their breaths mingle when his roommate let out a slow exhale. Sirius’ thumb moved across the space above Remus’ mouth, and the younger boy felt his heart stutter as Sirius met his eyes with a furious expression. When he spoke, Sirius’ voice was quiet and tense, a violin string stretched to its breaking point.

“Who did this to you?”

Remus forgot how to breathe for a moment, not used to seeing this much intensity from his roommate, and was grateful to hear someone clear their throat from the doorway. 

Sirius’ eyes lingered on Remus for a moment longer before sliding up to meet the gaze of the redhead leaning against the doorframe with a damp washcloth in her hand. 

“Glad to know _somebody_ has sense here,” she said with a smile, chuckling. “Did he try and tell _you_ that he was ‘just fine’ too?”

Sirius snorted. “Would you believe that he told me soap and water would do the trick?”

Lily walked into the room properly and handed Remus the washcloth to clean his face before looking at him with a curious expression. 

“Take off your clothes,” she said suddenly, and both boys whipped their heads around to face her. 

“Uh, Lily," Remus started, a bit unsettled by how forward his friend was being, “I value our friendship a lot, but I think it’s important to tell you that I don’t quite see you that way and—”

Lily burst out laughing across from him, and Remus exchanged a confused look with Sirius before facing his still-laughing friend. 

“I’m not asking you to strip for me, dear _God,_ no. I _meant_ for you to take your clothes off so I could try to get the blood out of them,” she said amid gasping chuckles. “Jesus, you need flirting practice.”

“Oh.”

Lily snorted. “ _Oh_ indeed. Sirius, is it?” The boy in question nodded. “Want to step into the common area to give Remus some privacy?”

Sirius followed her out the door and Remus quickly took the opportunity to stand up and look at himself in the mirror. He really _did_ look like a mess, he supposed, as he examined the blood stains and tears in his clothing. There was a small cut going through his upper lip and he smiled, testing how much the skin pulled with a wince after. He’d wiped most of the blood from his face, but there was still a bit dried around his nose that he’d missed. 

There was also a small trickle still trailing from his nostril and he groaned and swiped at it before surveying his face overall. He’d looked worse, he decided. _You’ve also looked far better_ , a voice that sounded suspiciously like his mother retorted in his head, but he brushed it aside to grab new clothes. After swapping his jeans and sweater for a pair of flannel pajama bottoms and a soft t-shirt, Remus opened the door back up for his friends. 

Lily was holding out a plastic bag and Remus dutifully dropped the clothes into it before sitting back down at his desk chair. Sirius leaned back against the desk and looked at him with an inscrutable expression, and Remus suddenly had the utterly odd notion that his roommate was trying to puzzle out his secrets. He shifted in his seat and Lily turned to face him, having thrown his clothes into her backpack. 

“ _Damn_ , your nose is still bleeding. Are you sure you don’t want one of us to take you to an Urgent Care?”

Remus waved her concern off easily. "No, it's fine. Facial injuries always bleed a lot, and anyway, it's slowed down considerably, so really, I'm _fine_.”

Both other occupants of the room gave Remus a skeptical expression and the seated boy rolled his eyes. 

“Oh come _on_ , you guys. My mom’s a nurse, I grew up with this stuff.”

A gentle smile crept onto Remus’ face as he watched the tension leave both of his friends’ postures. Much to his mother’s dismay Remus had never been one to harp on his injuries, and as such, he didn’t often find himself on the receiving end of this much concern from his peers. A warm feeling settled in his chest at the idea that he’d made friends who cared so fiercely for him after such a short period of time. “Honestly guys, it’s slowed a lot already, it should stop soon. I’m really _fine_.”

Lily sighed dramatically before grabbing her backpack from the floor. “I should take these back so I can start trying to get the blood out. You’ll let me know if you start feeling weird?”

Remus nodded, and stood to walk Lily to the door, but the redhead shook her head and pointed him back to his bed. “None of that. You’ll get in bed and relax. Sirius can walk me to the door” 

Sirius raised an eyebrow at that, but walked the girl to the door without complaint before coming back into the dorm and climbing onto his bed. Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him, but he refused to look over, instead grabbing a book from the bag hanging on his bed corner and pretending to read despite the fact that he couldn’t focus for more than a few lines at a time. Sirius turned on the television on their dressers after about 15 minutes, and grabbed a book himself, only barely paying attention to the program. 

Lily had been gone for nearly an hour when Remus spoke softly, his voice barely audible over the quiet dialogue of the actors on their television. "Snape."

Sirius put down the book that he’d been half-heartedly reading. "What?"

"You asked me who did this. It was a guy named Severus Snape; apparently he was an ass to Lily in high school."

Sirius was quiet for a moment before rolling on his side to face his roommate. "Tall, skinny, shoulder-length hair, nose that looks like it's itching to be in other peoples' business?"

Remus snorted. "Yeah, that seems like an apt description." Sirius frowned. 

"He sits behind me in Wilson's class. But why would he get into it with you? Do you even know each other?"

A reddish tint bloomed high on Remus’ cheeks, and he deliberately ignored Sirius’ gaze. 

"Uh...Not exactly. He was being a dick when we were in the library and Lily told him to get lost, but he was waiting for us outside when we left."

"And he just...punched you? For no reason?"

"Well..." Remus trailed off, the red on his cheeks deepening.

"Remus?"

"I may have shoved him first."

Sirius’ eyes grew wide, and he sat up to face Remus properly. “You, Remus ‘Do No Harm’ Lupin, shoved Severus Snape?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “No idea when you decided that ‘Do No Harm’ was my middle name, but yeah, I did.” He paused for a moment, still pointedly not looking at Sirius. “And I’d do it again.”

Sirius was quiet then, and Remus wondered if his roommate had given up on the conversation when he heard a wrapper being opened and twisted his head around to face the other bed. Sirius was opening up a chocolate bar, and when Remus caught his eye he smirked before pulling a second one out and tossing it across the gap between them. 

Remus caught the candy deftly, propping himself up against the back wall and opening the package with careful movements before breaking off a piece and tossing it into his mouth. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall while the chocolate melted on his tongue, and when he looked up again, Sirius was looking at him with an amused expression. 

“You’re an odd one, Remus Lupin.”

Remus chuckled. “I suppose I am,” he shrugged, “But this chocolate is _good_.”

Sirius shook his head softly before leaning up against his own wall. “Are you going to tell me what Snape said, or am I going to have to force it out of you?”

Remus turned his head so quickly he winced, and Sirius grimaced apologetically. “Not like _that_ , I just meant am I going to have to pester you with questions all night about it.” 

“Oh,” he ran a hand through his hair, causing some of the curls to break loose from their usual position and fall into his eyes. “I mean, if you’re really that invested I suppose I could tell you.”

“The stage is yours, Moon Boy,” Sirius responded with a smirk, and Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Well like I said, he’d been giving Lily a hard time in the library. When we came out, he kind of just...picked up where he left off, and eventually I got tired of it and shoved him.”

Sirius shook his head. “You’re a shit liar, you know that?” He chuckled. “Even Peter could’ve done better than that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Remus inquired dubiously, placing another piece of chocolate into his mouth in an attempt to avoid being asked to respond anytime soon.

“I may not have met Lily before tonight, but between you and James and Peter, I’ve heard enough to know that she’s _more_ than capable of fighting for herself—and that she would’ve been much more pissed when she showed up with you if you’d tried to defend her.” Sirius shot a pointed look at Remus, who sighed. 

“Talked to James, did you?”

“Mmhm. So...Want to try that again?” 

Remus took a deep breath. “When we were in the library, he made a vaguely homophobic comment that I think everyone else brushed off, but when we went back outside he made another one and insulted yo—” he cut off, pretending to choke on a piece of chocolate as he rephrased what he had been about to say, “insulted _someone_ and I thought it was out of line so I told him to cut it out.”

Sirius looked at him curiously, his own chocolate bar forgotten. “What did he say to you?”

Remus shrugged, staring at the television with feigned interest. “Nothing much, just that I was a princess.”

Sirius’ jaw clenched. “Who gave him the right—” he began, but Remus cut him off. 

“Honestly, it’s _fine._ I’m not exactly subtle about my sexuality. Have you seen the pins on my backpack?”

Sirius snorted. “Point taken. But then what did he say when you left? If it wasn’t about you, then…” he trailed off looking at Remus, whose face was coloring at an impressive rate and who was deliberately avoiding making eye contact. Again. Two and two suddenly slammed together into four in Sirius’ mind and his eyes widened. 

“Oh my _God_. It was me, wasn’t it? He insulted me, didn’t he?”

Remus stayed silent, but the hand holding his chocolate bar tightened almost imperceptibly. _Almost_. Sirius looked on in shock. “You’d have told me if it was someone else. It has to have been me,” he said quietly. “Remus, what the _hell_?”

The younger boy turned to face his roommate at that comment. “You didn’t deserve what he was saying, it wasn’t right. Who did he think he _was_ to comment on someone’s sexuality? I don’t care _how_ you identify, he had absolutely no right to be that much of an absolute asshole to you, especially when you weren’t there to defend yourself.”

An touched expression broke out on Sirius’ face, before it quickly turned to one of amusement. “Well for starters, I’m gay. Very much so, so it sounds like he got one thing right there.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t make it any better,” he muttered angrily. 

“Well no, but it sounds like there was something else too. Or are you just going to start shoving all of the homophobes that you see on campus? Not that I’d complain, mind you, but that feels like a bit of a tall order for one kid.”

“Only the especially greasy ones, I think,” Remus replied, biting back a grin. 

Sirius smirked before adopting a more earnest demeanor. “Really though, Remus, what did he say? I promise I can handle it, whatever it was.”

“You really want me to tell you?” Remus asked hesitantly, and Sirius nodded.

“He said that you were an ‘emotional freak,’ and I think he had more to add but…” Remus trailed off, “well, he didn’t exactly get to finish.”

Sirius looked shaken for a moment before turning away to stare at the television instead of his roommate. 

“And you told him off, just for that?”

“Of course I did, it wasn’t fair! He has no clue what you’re going through—what you’ve _been_ going through—it wasn’t right to let him run his mouth like an idiot.”

Sirius smiled from his side of the room. “You’re a good friend, Remus.”

Remus blushed. “I only did what any decent person would’ve done.”

“No, you didn’t,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “But that’s okay. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime.”

The two sat in silence for a while, finishing their candy bars and pretending to watch the program now playing on their television while thoughts raced through their minds. 

Remus was glad to hear that Sirius wasn’t angry with him—not that he’d expected it, but after Lily’s response to James earlier, he supposed anything was possible. He stood by what he’d said: Snape shouldn’t have said those things to begin with, but especially not when Sirius wasn’t there to defend himself. It was a cowardly action, and Remus rolled his eyes in frustration at the thought of it.

On the other side of the room, Sirius was floored. He wasn’t usually one to be at a loss for words, but then again, he wasn’t used to people coming to his defense. In fact, now that he thought about it, this was the first time he could remember anyone having done that. He angled his head slightly to look over at his roommate and shook his head in mild astonishment. Remus really hadn’t needed to do that, and from the look of his nose he was going to be sore as a result of his actions for a bit. _He did that for me_ , Sirius thought, and a strange feeling settled in his chest—one that made him feel cared for, and maybe even _wanted_. 

Remus got up a few minutes later to turn off the lights in their room, but on the way back, he paused by Sirius’ bed. “Hey Sirius?”

Sirius made a noncommittal noise in response.

“I meant what I said. If he tried any more of that nonsense, I’d gladly do it again.”

Sirius was immediately quite grateful that the lights had been turned off, or else Remus would’ve seen the flush spreading quickly across his cheeks. 

“Thanks,” he said quietly. “And Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“For what it’s worth, I’d do the same for you.”

Remus chuckled. “Of course you would, you're Sirius ‘Take No Shit’ Black.” A laugh escaped from Sirius’ throat before he could contain it, and soon Remus joined him. Once they quieted Remus heard Sirius sigh contentedly before he spoke again, more quietly this time. 

“Hey Remus?”

“Mmhm?”

“We still on for taking on the homophobic idiots together, then?”

“Obviously,” Remus snorted before an easy smile made its way onto his face. _I’d take on anyone who tried to hurt you like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus hasn't quite realized how deeply he cares for Sirius, does he? Don't worry. He will. 
> 
> Hoping to upload the next chapter sometime this week, but if not by then, by this weekend.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	4. More Things in Heaven and Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the boys have a heart to heart about their respective childhoods, and Sirius learns he can get free healthcare services from his roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part four! 
> 
> I...hated this chapter. I have some *feelings* about the OC I've written in here, and you'll likely pick up on them pretty quickly. (Please don't hate me for making him the way that he is...I SWEAR there's a reason for it.)
> 
> Anyhow....As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of blood, discussion of cancer, mentions of emotionally abusive parenting, asshole boyfriends saying things that shouldn't have been said, some foul language.
> 
> Enjoy!

_“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”_

_Hamlet_ , Act I, Scene V, Lines 168-169.

**—November 20th—**

* * *

Everything looked perfect, Remus thought. He’d sent a text to Sirius about the fact that Matt was supposed to be coming over to watch a movie for their date night, but hadn’t gotten a response. That wasn’t particularly abnormal for his roommate, they’d developed some sort of an “in case of emergency” texting plan—if one or the other was coming back late in the evening, or needed the dorm for a quiet moment, they’d send a quick message over to the other, but responses weren’t strictly necessary. It was all he could hope for that Sirius had seen it, and wouldn’t come waltzing in half-naked after a shower because he’d forgotten.

Shaking that thought from his mind, Remus checked his phone again before glancing around the room. He’d cleaned up his and Sirius’ things enough to make the dorm passable for a date, minus a few odds and ends of Sirius’ that he didn’t quite know where to place. His phone chimed and he smiled at it, tossing the popcorn bags on his bed and heading out the door. He’d been seeing Matt for almost a month now, and Remus was very happy about their relationship, quietly of course. He’d never dated someone who made him feel quite normal, and he’d been happy to discover that Matthew was just as kind as he’d seemed when they first met at a party back in September. 

Despite the fact that he’d protested against it, James had forced Remus to join him and attend the party that night. James had been thrilled at the idea of having a few drinks and making new friends, but Remus wasn’t exactly the drinking type—both by nature, and by circumstance. He’d never been much inclined to break the rules to begin with, but the medication he was on had come with a perfectly clear _“do_ **_not_ ** _mix with alcohol”_ label, and Remus wasn’t about to forego that for the sake of a freshman’s ill-fated party. But James had wanted a friend, so Remus acquiesced, planning to spend the night drinking a can of soda in the corner and watching James delve deeper into his drunken persona. Instead, Remus had found himself deep in conversation with a tall brunette about Shakespeare, of all things. He’d been so engrossed in their discussion that he’d almost missed James drunkenly calling him from the doorway and saying it was time for them to leave. But he’d exchanged numbers with the brunette, Matt, and had escorted James home with a smile that hadn’t faded— _even_ when James took it upon himself to discover three different places to vomit in their suite. 

Matt had texted the next day, asking if Remus would like to meet for coffee, and Remus had nearly rejected the offer when he remembered his mother’s plea to _“live a little”_ and relented. He’d been concerned that their interaction the night before had been too good to be true, that it’d been fueled by Matt’s casual sips of alcohol and by Remus’ amazement that anyone wanted to talk to _him_ , of all people, but Remus found himself mistaken upon arrival. Matt had apologized for the state of the dorm the night before, explaining how he’d been roped into hosting because he felt bad saying no to his suitemates, and Remus had chuckled while explaining how his own similar mindset had led him to the party in the first place. The two overstayed their planned hour at the coffee shop, and at the end of it, Remus had worked up the nerve to ask to see him again. 

Things had moved smoothly from there, the two grabbing movies on weekends and meeting up to study together. Remus was delighted to have found someone who seemed so kind, so early on in his time at school, and spent nearly every date wondering what exactly he’d done to deserve this. There were a few things that Remus had flagged as concerns, of course, but then there always were, and a short temper was a minor character flaw in the grand scheme of things. Remus was happy enough to be in a relationship, he figured the fixing things and making perfect could come later. 

Which is how he found himself meeting his boyfriend at the entrance to his dormitory with a slight blush on his cheeks. Matt smiled tightly at him before glancing down at his watch. 

“You’re late,” he intoned darkly. 

“Sorry about that, had to clean up after my roommate and lost track of time,” Remus laughed lightly. “I’m all ready now though, come on up!”

Matt huffed and walked past him, leaving Remus staring from the doorway for a moment before he regained his senses and followed his boyfriend up the stairway. Matt had already gone into Remus and Sirius’ room when Remus entered the dorm. Peter was sitting on the couch in the common area and shot his suitemate an anxious glance. 

“Is he alright?” 

Remus sighed. “I think something’s up. He seemed like he was in a bad mood when he got here.”

Peter hummed. “Have you seen James or Sirius tonight?”

Remus frowned. “Nope. Were they supposed to be doing something tonight?”

“I thought they were going to the movies, but I didn’t get my usual series of complaining texts from James about how Sirius only ever wants to watch historical fantasy so he can point out the inaccuracies, so…?” Peter trailed off uncertainly and Remus held back a chuckle.

“Sounds about right,” Remus said with a small smile. He knew from personal experience that offering up historical commentary on films _was_ a favorite pastime of Sirius’—after the _Gladiator_ incident, the two had sworn off dramas in the dorm for a _month._ “Text me if you hear from them? I tried to reach out to Sirius about Matt coming over but he hasn’t responded.”

Peter sent a mock salute to Remus before walking into his and James’ room, leaving Remus alone in the common area. Remus looked to his room with a slight frown before walking in. Matt had already claimed his space on Remus’ bed, the pillows Remus had carefully arranged thrown haphazardly towards the other end. Remus sent a hesitant smile towards his boyfriend before grabbing the popcorn and climbing up to join him. 

“So how was your day?” Remus offered quietly, hoping to get some of the tension out of the way before the two spent a couple of hours alternating between rapt attention for the film and the feel of the other’s hair in their hands. Despite the innocuous question, Matt stiffened beneath Remus’ arms.

“Fine, Remus. Are we going to choose a movie, or…?” Matt intoned, shifting a little to create some distance between him and his boyfriend. 

“Yeah, of course…” Remus trailed off, “how do we feel about _Mamma Mia_?”

Matt groaned. “I thought I told you I wasn't going to watch your stupid ‘ _Big Fat Greek Wedding_ ’ origin story. You promised we could do something _normal_ this time around, isn’t there another _Kill Bill_ movie that came out last year or something?”

Remus felt his breath catch in his throat and nodded as he searched through the list of available movies. “Uh...how about the latest Bond film? Is that alright?”

“Whatever. That works.” Remus could hear the irritation in Matt’s voice when he responded but he selected the movie and carefully leaned back against his boyfriend again as the movie started.

* * *

By the time Sirius got back to the dorm, he was exhausted. His expedition with James was only meant to be an hour or so, but after discovering that the historic church next to campus was undergoing construction, the two had decided to poke around. It was only when Sirius bothered to check his phone that he realized the battery had died, and asked James to check his. At this point, the two discovered that neither Peter nor Remus knew where they were, that Remus had a date, and that Peter was heading off to bed early. None of these were particularly urgent updates, but James responded to the most recent one regardless, letting Peter know that they were on their way back now. 

Unfortunately, “on the way back” required both boys to maneuver their way down from the roof of the old church. James made some careful hops and jumps across the abandoned beams and then motioned for Sirius to follow his lead. Sirius gracefully made his way down to the lower level before reaching a hand over and swinging onto a wooden ladder the workmen had left behind. In a startling moment of self-awareness, Sirius realized that he hadn’t done a good job countering his own momentum, and despite attempting to leap from the ladder at the appropriate moment, he landed in a moderately sore heap beneath the climbing apparatus. 

Which is how he found himself slightly limping as James held open the door to their dorm. 

“You sure you’re okay, man?”

Sirius nodded and faced his room, pausing at the door to turn back to James. “Think Remus is back yet?”

James shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe?” He paused. “Do you have a first aid kit in your room, or do you need stuff from mine?”

“Pretty sure Remus has one, I should be all good.”

“If you say so. ‘Night, Sirius.”

“G’night James.”

Sirius opened the door quietly in case Remus was asleep, and flinched back in surprise when he saw a frustrated looking Matt being cuddled by an unsurprisingly asleep Remus. Sirius blushed and stammered out a hasty apology, turning to leave before pausing as a voice interrupted him.

“Is that blood?”

Turning around to face the beds again, Sirius saw a bleary-eyed Remus leaning up slightly from his boyfriend, a confused expression on his face. 

“What? Where?”

Remus sat up more properly now and looked more closely at Sirius, who had grabbed onto the nearest desk chair when he turned and was still wincing from the fast motion.

“There on your knee? And on your hand?”

Sirius looked down carefully before cross-referencing the soreness he felt against the already catalogued injuries from his fall and weighing the results. 

“No…?” he offered up hesitantly. 

Remus narrowed his eyes. “That’s _not_ the sort of question you’re supposed to answer with a question, you dork.” He muttered softly, hopping off of the bed to get a closer look at his roommate. 

“It’s nothing ' _a little soap and water won’t fix_ ,' I figure,” Sirius smirked. A moment later, he looked on in surprise as his roommate rolled his eyes, pulled the first aid kit out of his desk and knelt in front of him to tend to the blood on his palm in one fluid motion.

“So what happened to you?” Remus said jokingly, “You get into a fistfight without me?” he grinned up at Sirius, whose heart swelled a bit at the gentleness behind Remus’ joking expression. 

The dark-haired boy stammered out an explanation that had something to do with ladders and churches while Remus moved down to examine the scrape on Sirius’ knee and huffed. 

“Take off your pants,” Remus said suddenly, cutting off Sirius’ rambling about how he and James had found an older book of psalms in the attic of the church. 

“You want me to...do _what_? Remus you have a boyfriend who’s literally _in the room_.”

Remus’ head shot up and a pretty flush spread across his cheeks. “Oh _God_ , that wasn’t how I meant that,” he glanced back at Matt and frantically started motioning between his boyfriend and his roommate. 

“I need to see your whole knee, not just the bit that I can see through the tear in your jeans there, that’s all.”

Sirius brought his gaze up from the top of Remus’ head to meet Matt’s eyes. Remus’ boyfriend was glaring _furiously_ at the two of them, and Sirius wriggled under Remus’ gentle treatment of his knee. 

“Uh, Remus? Got an idea for you, if you’ll hear it.”

Remus looked up and raised an eyebrow. 

“How about I go shower and change into clothes I can sleep in? Then I’ll get all of the dirt and mud off of me, and you’ll be able to see my knee without, uh, needing my pants to come off.”

Sirius’ gaze flicked up to Matt again. The kid really was more than a bit intimidating for someone who Sirius _knew_ had passionate opinions about 90’s heartthrobs. Regardless, at the moment Matt seemed to be the biggest man in the room, and Sirius wasn’t looking to get into a fight. His eyes skipped over to Remus as the sandy-haired boy rolled himself back onto his heels and stood up with a frown.

“I ‘spose that’ll work, yeah. Why don’t you do that? I’ll take care of things when you come back.”

Sirius nodded and quickly gathered the items necessary to go shower and hurried out of the room. He made it all the way to the bathroom before he realized he’d forgotten his hairbrush in the bedroom and turned back to grab it. As he heard the voice spilling out from their dorm, however, Sirius froze.

“You were _late_ for a date at your _own dorm_ , you _fell asleep_ during the movie, and halfway through started eye-fucking your roommate when he walked in! Tell me what there is about that that I ‘don’t need to get mad about,’ Remus.”

Whatever Remus’ response was, it was too quiet for Sirius to hear, but it clearly didn’t lessen any of his boyfriend’s anger. 

“I don’t _care_ if he was bleeding, he was clearly fine—he walked in a straight line, he didn’t pass out, he wasn’t limping—”

Remus cut Matt off with another comment, and Sirius could hear the tension in the room.

“I don’t know how else to say this. I. Don’t. _Care_. That he’s your friend. You were supposed to be having a date with _me_ and you were barely present, what sort of a boyfriend drops everything in the middle of his date to go cuddle up to his _friend_?” 

Sirius suddenly felt sick to his stomach, and decided against grabbing his hairbrush. Walking back to the showers dejectedly, he turned the water to as cold of a temperature as he could handle and stepped in.

* * *

When Sirius came back to the room, it was empty. Matt was gone, but evidence of his presence remained; Remus’ pillows, almost always neatly arranged at the head of the bed, were in a heap at the foot, and there was a stack of empty candy boxes and wrappers thrown carelessly onto the desk. Sirius frowned. He didn’t like what he’d overheard, but he wasn’t sure if it was his place to say anything. Maybe the guy was having a hard time? Sirius shook his head as he hung his towel up on the closet door. It didn’t matter, really. Remus didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. 

The boy in question came into the dorm minutes later, looking more shaken up than Sirius had seen him before. His eyes were redder than usual, his hands were shoved in his pockets forcefully, and Sirius had half a mind to track down Matt right then and there to give him a piece of his mind. He didn’t though. Instead, having already climbed up onto his bed, Sirius watched Remus as he entered their room. The taller boy didn’t look up, instead resignedly sighing and throwing the pillows back where they belonged and grabbing the garbage to move it to the trash. It wasn’t until he began climbing onto his bed that he noticed Sirius had returned, with a slight startle. 

“Oh,” Remus murmured, “you’re back already.”

Sirius observed his friend carefully. “Yeah, got back a few minutes ago. Still want to patch me up?” He smiled gently, hoping the offered activity would take Remus’ mind off of Matt’s words.

Looking at Sirius’ knee, then to his first aid kit, Remus nodded and jumped down off the side of the bed. He didn’t say anything as he unwrapped an alcohol wipe, and he didn’t say anything as he carefully dabbed antiseptic cream on Sirius’ knee, and he didn’t say anything as he put a piece of gauze over the cut and adhered it carefully with medical tape. He’d gone a full three minutes without speaking when Sirius finally broke the silence as he offered up his palm for Remus' inspection. 

“So when did you get so good at first aid? I seem to recall a certain sandy-haired gentleman stumbling in here a month ago with a tissue shoved halfway up his nose and blood all over himself.”

Remus smiled, a half-hearted, lopsided sort of thing that made Sirius’ heart take a rather unexpected jump to his throat. “I thought I told you...My mom’s a nurse,” he said quietly, wiping the cuts on Sirius’ palm with an apologetic grimace as the dark-haired boy winced. 

“You did, you’re right. I forgot,” Sirius paused. “So were you interested in medical things growing up, or did it just come with the territory?” he asked tentatively, grasping at straws to try and keep the conversation going, but desperately trying to avoid a topic that would lead them back to Remus’ boyfriend. 

“I—Well…” Remus started haltingly as he wound a cloth bandage around Sirius’ hand, “Kind of both, I guess. We haven’t really talked about this, have we?”

Sirius, who had been staring at his hand to give Remus some semblance of privacy, felt his neck crack as he snapped his head up to meet the now-standing boy’s gaze. Remus’ eyes widened in surprise before he schooled his expression and walked back to his desk to put the kit away, leaving Sirius to massage his neck gently while his roommate closed the door. 

“I’d already talked to James and Peter about this, I think I forgot that you didn’t know,” Remus started lightly, and Sirius felt his spine stiffen in anticipation of what Remus was about to say. 

“I had leukemia as a kid, a few times, actually.” Remus stated casually. 

Sirius froze, staring stunned at his roommate, who hadn’t made eye contact since he’d walked away from Sirius’ bed. Remus continued while fixing the pillows to sit properly at the head of his bed. 

“The first time I was in remission, we realized that it made sense for me to be able to differentiate between normal cuts and bruises and abnormal ones, so my mom gave me really basic lessons in first aid,” Remus shrugged. “So then we just refreshed the skills whenever it felt relevant in the years after.”

Sirius wasn’t sure he had heard Remus correctly. “You had…” he started, before trailing off, not daring to say what he’d heard out loud.

“Cancer, yeah. It’s not a bad word. And I’m almost two years clear now, so really, it’s fi—”

“If you try and tell me ‘it’s fine,’ I’m throwing a pillow at you, Remus.”

Remus looked up at that with a genuine smile, the first one Sirius had seen since he’d come back from the shower. 

“Okay _fine_ , I won’t say that. But it’s been a minute since anything’s actually been wrong, I’m at least allowed to acknowledge that, you know.”

Sirius was still floored. He flopped back onto his bed and held his bandaged hand up, observing how neatly Remus had tended to the injury. 

“Am I allowed to ask...I mean, I don’t want to pry, but…”

Remus let out a chuckle. “Sirius, I’ve been dealing with this for over a decade now, whatever questions you have couldn’t _possibly_ be more invasive than the ones I usually get from people who don’t really know me all that well. Ask away.”

“A decade. So you were 8, then?” Sirius said quietly, dropping his hand to rest on his stomach. 

“Seven, but yeah, around then.”

“ _J_ _esus_ , that’s young,” Sirius exhaled slowly, “What was that even like as a kid?”

Remus grabbed a pen and a journal before laying down in his own bed and absently drawing patterns on the paper. “Not quite pleasant, but I’m sure you guessed as much. A lot of blood tests and IVs and other procedures that would make most adults squirm, let alone a seven-year-old who only wanted to climb trees and play kick the can with his neighbors.”

Sirius turned towards the wall to hide the smile that crept onto his face as he thought about a seven-year-old Remus running down his street with reckless abandon, mud on his hands and curls flopping about his face. “I’d bet. But you...got over it?”

“Sort of. I underwent treatment that was relatively mild, all things considered, for the first two years after—up until I was nine, when I formally moved into the maintenance stage. The doctors caught it early enough the first time that they figured they didn’t need to go overboard with it, especially since I was too young to fully understand why all of that was happening. But it came back just about two years later. All of my charts had looked good, and check-ins had become less frequent, and then it was just...back.” Remus sighed. “It’s not a terribly uncommon thing to happen with cancer, and especially not in kids. So we started the whole thing over again.”

Sirius was quiet for a moment, doing some math in his head. “That takes you up to what, 12? Not to be an ass, but am I missing something here? I thought you said it’s been two years since anything happened...Are you some sort of teenage prodigy? Is this the alternate version of _16 and Pregnant_? _15 and Matriculating_ or something?”

Remus snorted at that before shaking his head. “Sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m just about the average age of most high school graduates who come to college. But yeah, the math doesn’t add up because it came back again, when I was fifteen.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Is there some sort of karmic retribution I can enact against someone for that? It’s completely unfair!” Sirius exclaimed in frustration. “ _Honestly_ , you’re telling me you’ve had three separate cancer diagnoses in under a decade? Fuck that. You didn’t deserve that.”

“I don’t suppose I did, but that’s kind of how life works. You roll with the punches or you learn how to treat the bruises. I just had...a few more bruises than the average person, literally and figuratively.”

Sirius huffed in discontent. “But you’re fine—God, I _hate_ using that word—now, though?”

“Yeah. By the time the third notice came around, my doctors were prepared to go in on a more aggressive plan, and I was old enough to want them to. It’s worked pretty well so far, at this point I’m about a year and a half out from the last time we saw any cancer cells, so I consider that a success.” Remus answered, chuckling at Sirius’ irritated tone.

“Hm.”

“Something you’d like to say?”

“Laying it on a bit thick with the sass, aren’t we Moon Boy?” Sirius smirked from his bed and shot a mischievous look towards his roommate before continuing in a softer tone, “But yeah, I do. It’s...A bit personal though, so I’d understand if you don’t want to answer it.”

Remus sighed, and Sirius swore he could hear the boy across from him age five years when he spoke. “Hit me with it, what’s up?”

“I just..How do you know it won’t...come back?”

Remus sat up properly and looked at his roommate in astonishment before bursting into laughter. Sirius, who did not find his question _or_ this topic particularly funny, pouted on his bed while he waited for a reply, bringing himself to an upright position while he waited for his roommate to calm down. 

“I’m sorry—really, I am, I just…You said a _personal question_ and I was expecting you to ask about my _sex life_ or something ridiculous, and instead,” Remus broke off into giggles again, “instead you ask me how I feel about my future, _God_ that’s so funny to me.”

Sirius glared half-heartedly at his roommate, who finally adopted a more stoic expression when he noticed that Sirius’ glare was only _just_ masking an expression of concern.

“To answer your question, I don’t. It could come back again, and there’s not much I can do about that if it does. All I can do right now is take the medication they’ve given me, and make sure I’m not willfully putting myself in positions where I could easily get sick, since we don’t have a completely accurate picture of my white blood cell count at any given time. But it’s all just maintenance, at the end of the day. ‘What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does,” and all that, you know?”

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t think I do.”

“What do you mean?”

Sirius weighed his words carefully before speaking. “We’ve talked a little about my family, right?” Remus nodded. 

“They’ve never been particularly fond of the whole ‘that’s life, deal with it’ mentality. I’ve only ever been told that I need to do everything in my power to make sure the family name doesn’t fall into disrepute, and my own life and accomplishments and wellbeing always just sort of...fell into that category. If I wasn’t the best, I had to try my hardest until I was; if I wasn’t well, I needed to get better, and _fast_. So it’s a bit strange to hear you say that you’ve just sort of _accepted_ all of this.”

“What else was I supposed to do? Go shout at the sky and force the universe to change their mind about it? That wouldn’t have done anything for anyone, least of all me. But, for what it’s worth, it’s not like I’m just going to...resign myself to it, if it came back. There was a bit there, back when I was 16…” Remus trailed off, his mind clearly elsewhere as he went silent. “That sort of thinking doesn’t help things. So I’ve accepted that this is my life, and has been for the last 11 years, and if it comes back then I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.”

Sirius leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes while he thought of an appropriate response. The argument he’d overheard earlier swam to the front of his mind, and try as he might, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to say something about it. 

“Hey Remus, you know that you don’t have to just...accept everything, right?”

Remus looked over at him curiously. “I can’t just choose not to accept that I’ve had cancer, Sirius. That’s a fact?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “Some things just...happen to you, you know? And you don’t get to choose those, you _have_ to accept those—like what you’re saying, or like—” he stopped and a somber look came over his face, “like Regulus. We didn’t choose for those things to happen, the only thing that we had a say in was how we reacted to them. But not everything is something that the world forces on you, do you get what I mean?”

Remus shook his head. “I think I might if it wasn’t 10pm on a Saturday, but go on.”

“It’s just that some things _we_ choose ourselves, and if they aren’t good for us we should...choose differently,” Sirius finished lamely. 

Remus stiffened in the bed across from him, but Sirius didn’t notice that. What he _did_ notice was the cold tone that his friend adopted when he responded. 

“If you’re referring to Matt, I’d like to politely remind you that my dating life is none of your business or concern.”

Sirius sighed before turning his head to face Remus. “It kind of is when I could hear him yelling at you from halfway down the hall, Remus. I’m surprised James and Peter didn’t wake up.”

A stern look came across Remus’ face and he huffed in frustration. “Matthew had a long day, and I did a shit job of being ready for tonight’s date—”

“Which I interrupted by walking in as a bleeding mess.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 _Neither did_ **_you,_ **Sirius wanted to shout at his roommate, but he held his tongue. “I’m just saying, you don’t deserve to be treated that way.”

Remus’ mouth opened to form a response, but Sirius cut him off. “Even if it was a one-off thing. Whoever you’re with...they shouldn’t treat you that way. They should treat you with respect, and concern, and...love, if you’re serious about each other.” 

Sirius blushed and broke eye contact with his roommate. 

Remus was scowling, but in a much less hostile way than he had been before. “I think that’s enough about that. Do you want to get the lights? I’m exhausted,” he said with a yawn.

Sirius could tell that his roommate was faking tiredness, but he figured the two had examined Remus’ life under a microscope for long enough that evening, so he let it slide. He nodded and made his way down from the bed, painstakingly trying to hide that his hip was still sore from falling earlier. 

“Sirius, are you limping?”

Apparently the attempt hadn’t been good enough, because Remus was eyeing him suspiciously from his bed. Sirius grimaced a bit as he reached for the light switch. 

“No, why would you say that.”

“You dork, I can see it from here,” Remus retorted, rolling his eyes. “Wait, before you turn off the light—can you grab something from my desk?”

Sirius nodded and moved in front of Remus’ study space. “Where am I looking?”

“Second drawer from the bottom in the plastic dresser-type thing—no, not that one,” he directed Sirius, “yeah, there. Can you grab an icy-hot patch?” 

Sirius plucked one of the silver envelopes from the drawer and shut it before turning the lights off. Remus’ book light was still on, casting the room in an amber glow as Sirius made his way to his roommate’s bed to deliver the requested item. Remus waved him off when he moved past the foot of their beds, though. 

“No no, it’s for you. I assume it’s just a bruise or else you would’ve said something. Throw that thing on it and see how you feel in the morning, it works wonders on me when I’m feeling a bit under the weather.”

Sirius’ face turned a deep red and he fervently hoped that his roommate couldn’t see his face as he climbed back into his own bed. Sticking the slightly tacky patch to his hip, Sirius’ eyes fluttered closed and he almost immediately sighed loudly in relief.

“Told you so,” Remus mumbled from the other bed, his voice slightly obscured by his pillows, now in their rightful places. 

Sirius snorted. “Thanks,” he murmured quietly. “For everything I mean—the first aid, and telling me about the cancer and whatnot. I appreciate it.”

“Of course, I trust you well enough.” 

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat at that statement. Remus _trusted_ him, wasn’t that something? Before he got comfortable, he shifted over to face his roommate one last time. 

“Hey Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I crossed a line earlier. When I was talking about Matt, I mean. I just...want to make sure you’re alright.”

Remus sighed. “I know.”

“Good. Just wanted to make sure.” 

“You’ll stop commenting on my relationship status then?”

“Not a chance, Moon Boy,” Sirius shot back, and Remus chuckled. 

“Should’ve guessed as much.”

“Obviously,” Sirius snorted before an easy smile made its way onto his face. _I’d take on anyone who tried to hurt you like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius hasn't quite realized how deeply he cares for Remus, does he? Don't worry. He will.
> 
> Hoping to upload the next chapter sometime this week, but if not by then, by this weekend. As a notice, my classes start back up this week, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in these next few chapters as I wasn't able to finish them up before the semester started. 
> 
> Happy Reading!


	5. As Schoolboys from Their Books

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus is trying to study, and Sirius is pointedly not doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so...I knew this was going to be the hardest chapter to write for me because I had the least amount of direction for where I wanted the plot to go (let me know in the comments if that's obvious hahah) beyond the fact that Remus was actively studying and Sirius was being noisy in the other room. 
> 
> It originally had a different plot line, but...I liked this one better. (I mean, MINNIE, come ON!)
> 
> Anyhow...As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, mentions of emotionally abusive parenting, some foul language.

_"Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books, But love from love, toward school with heavy looks."_

_Romeo And Juliet_ , Act II, Scene II, Line 156.

**—December 12th—**

* * *

_47...48...49...50_

Sirius sat up with a sigh, the stress ball he’d been throwing at the ceiling still clutched in his hand. Not for the first time, he questioned why he’d come to college at all. His first final was that Friday—just 24 hours from now—and he knew he wasn’t ready. The fact that this lack of preparedness stemmed from the fact that he hadn’t started was a notion that he’d tried to disabuse multiple times now. The thought was pervasive though; every time he threw it from his mind it boomeranged back with such a glaring ferocity that even Sirius, the self-proclaimed ‘King of Ignoring Things That Hurt,’ couldn’t reject it. 

It wasn’t his fault, not really. It was only that the anxiety surrounding the end of the semester and going home was stifling. And paralyzing. And energizing. Somehow all of those feelings seemed to swell at the same time; the tide of his mental wellness coming in high and fierce and overpowering to the point where he was swept away in it, and couldn’t focus on anything of importance. No, instead he’d itemized his sock drawer. Built a small bookshelf addition for his and Remus’ dorm. Monopolized the kitchenette down the hall to bake 48 decoratively iced cupcakes for no one in particular. Stolen ( _borrowed,_ Frank and John had reminded him) a vacuum and cleaned the entire common space. 

Remus had watched his roommate cautiously, an unamused smile painted onto his face as he’d occasionally glanced up from his books or computer. He’d never seen this sort of frenetic energy from his roommate before, and by the time Sirius showed up with his hair in french braids, a frilly apron tied tightly around his waist, and enough cupcakes to feed an entire lecture hall, well...Remus wasn’t sure whether to document it for future blackmail purposes or call the health center to report a concern about a fellow student. He knew Sirius _had_ exams, but despite being holed up in the dorm for almost 120 hours due to a freak snow storm, Remus hadn’t seen his roommate touch anything even _remotely_ academic. By the time Thursday had rolled around, Remus was starting to get irritated—Sirius may not have picked up a textbook in the last week, but he’d served as a distraction in more ways than one. Case in point, Remus’ roommate had been pacing the length of their dorm while squeezing a stress ball and quietly mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like Shakespeare under his breath for the better part of an hour now. 

After dodging the third wad of paper tossed at him from across the breach, Sirius sighed dramatically and flopped onto his bed in a conciliatory response to Remus’ growing irritation. 

“We’ve got a common space, y’know. You could study there,” Sirius said nonchalantly. 

Remus sent a glare towards his roommate. “Forgive me for interrupting your Shakespearean Theatre Hour with my desire to study unimpeded in my own dorm, _Star Boy_.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes at the epithet, given a month earlier when Remus had gotten sick of the fact that his roommate didn’t have an equally stupid nickname as his own. “Mmm, good word choice there, Rem. You really _are_ a creative writing student, aren’t you?”

Sirius’ retort was met with an eye-roll and quiet huff as Remus sat up properly and started gathering his notes from where they were scattered across his bedding. Sirius sat up suddenly, ball still in hand, and rotated his torso to face his roommate in a panic. 

“I swear I’ll be quieter, you don’t need to leave, I’m sorry, I promise I’ll shut up, I swear I’ll let you work in peace and quiet,” the words tumbled out of Sirius’ mouth almost frantically, like popcorn itching to burst from his throat.

Remus climbed down from his bed and gave Sirius a searching look that was just long enough to make him squirm before the taller boy averted his eyes and sighed. “I’m not angry, you’re just...right. There’s a room just past that doorway, and as much as I appreciate your company, I’m not getting nearly enough done while being distracted by you—no offense,” he finished with a blush. 

Sirius’ face blanched, and Remus saw his roommate’s grip on his stress ball tighten. “Oh. Yeah. Of course,” Sirius stated tightly. Remus forced himself to avoid glancing toward his friend, knowing that his resolve in leaving would evaporate if he saw the look on Sirius’ face.

“I’ll just be on the couch, alright? It’s not like I’m trekking to the library or something,” Remus started as he walked to the door. “Let me know if you need anything, ‘kay?”

Sirius let out a mumble of affirmation as Remus disappeared behind the door before falling back onto his bed with a sigh.

* * *

Sirius Black was nothing if not chaotic. He always had been, even when he was young—full of sound and fury and all the other things that adult life tends to beat out of children. So it came as no surprise to him, or those close to him, that said chaos extended to all areas of his life. He’d always enjoyed living just barely on the edge—not usually to dangerous extremes, although the broken collarbone he’d had at age 16 might have argued otherwise—testing the boundaries around him. Despite his habit of testing the patience of others, Sirius was rather widely well-liked.

The history teacher at his boarding school, a woman well known for her harsh scowl and severe demeanor, had taken to Sirius after he’d shown up late to class one day in the nearest approximation of renaissance attire that he could muster, proclaiming the wonders of Da Vinci’s works. Any other teacher would’ve thrown him out, but Minerva McGonagall had simply rolled her eyes and continued her lesson with a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. Sirius quickly became a favorite student of hers, especially after she’d discovered that the boy wanted to become an educator himself. After teaching him for four years, she’d discovered that there was a certain sensitivity to him that was often masked by the charming persona he erected in front of his classmates and teachers, one that she had no doubt developed as a result of being an older brother.

Every so often, when the boy would drop into her office during lunch to discuss current events, college plans, or even just the weather, she’d see it: a glimpse behind the curtain. He’d slouch against the chair and for a moment would seem less like the charismatic class president, and more like her nephew, exhausted from the weight of the expectations that rested on his shoulders. She taught some of his cousins a few years back, she knew he didn’t have the easiest family situation. But he showed up every day with a smile and with excitement to see his classmates, and despite his constant claims to her that Regulus was the better of the two children, she saw many of the qualities that Sirius lauded in his brother in Sirius himself.

Which is how she knew he’d be fine at college. His seemingly untamed energy would channel itself into enthusiasm for his students, and his personality would leave him with friendships that would help him shake off some of the familial pressure he’d been held under. This didn’t mean Minerva McGonagall was happy to see him go. She’d grown fond of him, she’d realized on the morning of graduation. For someone who could be such a loose cannon, Sirius had a good heart, and she’d miss their lunchtime chats and his boisterous energy in class. So she’d made him swear to email her updates on how school was going. 

But it had been three weeks since she’d heard from him last—the longest lapse in communication between the boy and his former teacher since he’d left for school. Minerva wasn’t entirely sure she was entitled to the feeling, but she worried about Sirius. She knew finals were approaching, if they weren’t already upon him. She knew that no one in his family was inclined to have checked in on his wellbeing. And she knew most of all that he was facing a return to his house for a month, one that didn’t have his brother in it for the first time in his life. So yes, she supposed, she had _plenty_ of perfectly rational, legitimate reasons to be concerned about the boy.

She picked up the phone.

* * *

Remus Lupin was nothing if not organized. After being given the instructions for his final written project back in October, he’d immediately begun outlining plots and brainstorming characters before settling on a family of four, all of whom were spies. He’d done his research, taking notes during his and Matt’s movie dates whenever they watched a spy-thriller, and along the way drafted a few copies of the story, leaving just _one_ scene unfinished. Which is how he’d found himself puzzling over his journal for the last week, wads of printer paper appearing every ten minutes or so as he tried to approach the dialogue from a new angle. _If nothing else_ , he’d muttered to himself, _I’ve discovered that I’m **shit** at writing about espionage. _

Sirius wasn’t helping things either. Every time Remus would feel himself getting stuck in a rut or hitting a wall, he’d switch to studying for one of his other classes’ exams—a study habit he’d always found useful in high school. Except in high school, he’d had relative privacy while studying—barring a few semesters of being in the hospital, with Juliana, or both. Regardless, he hadn’t ever had one Sirius Black to reckon with, or anyone nearly as distracting. 

Remus’ roommate had been absolutely insufferable for the last week. An unexpected blizzard had blown in, leaving the boys sequestered in their dorm for most of the week, with few-to-no excursions out into the cold—and if so, only for the absolute necessities. Sirius had taken advantage of the time stuck indoors by diving headfirst into seemingly every untapped project that he’d come up with throughout the semester. First it was the baking. Then the cleaning. Then the building—Remus _still_ wasn’t quite sure where Sirius had acquired the wood for a bookshelf, _or_ the power tools, but he wasn’t complaining. It was exhausting to watch, and wholly distracting as Remus was trying to write his story. By the time Sirius had moved to pacing, reciting Shakespearean monologues under his breath, and bouncing a stress ball off of the wall, Remus was thoroughly unfocused. So he’d moved out to the common area to work, not daring to look Sirius in the eye as he left their room. 

About twenty minutes in, Remus began to hear suspicious noises come from their dorm. First it was snippets of soundtracks and movies, which he was able to ignore. But by the time it had escalated to crashing noises it had taken every ounce of his self-restraint not to march in and tell Sirius off. He settled for a shouted, _“Sirius what the **fuck** are you doing in there?” _instead, and the noises quieted significantly after that. So when his phone rang 90 minutes into his drafting session, Remus scowled before picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Justin from the front desk—I have someone looking for your roommate on line one. I tried his number, but he didn’t answer. Is he with you, by chance?”

Remus frowned. “Uh...Last I checked, he was in our dorm. Hold on a minute, I’ll see if he’s still in there.”

“Thanks man,” the voice on the other end of the line said with a relieved sigh.

“Yeah, no problem.”

Remus walked back into his dorm, expecting to see Sirius engrossed in some other pet project of his, but was instead surprised to find his roommate passed out on his bed. The stress ball was resting just beyond Sirius’ fingers, and Remus smiled gently at the idea of Sirius’ exhaustion finally taking over before he walked back out to the common area and picked up the phone. 

“Justin? Just checked—he’s here all right, but he’s asleep and I don’t really want to wake him up if I can help it. Can I take a message?”

The boy on the other hand began stumbling through an explanation. “I mean if she wasn’t calling the front desk, I would say yes, but because she did it’s protocol for us to have the intended recipient answer the desk phone if the caller didn’t answer their own phone in order to make sure the message gets to the right person and—”

Remus sighed and cut the desk manager off. “No no, I get it. What if…” he trailed off. He’d been considering going down to the desk himself but was now rethinking the idea as the thought of the multiple flights of stairs swam to the forefront of his mind. “What if you give her my number? I assume this isn’t a family member, I’m really happy to take the call and pass on whatever she has to say to him.”

“That’s not quite how this is supposed to work…” The other boy offered nervously.

“We’ve got FERPA, right? So you can’t pass on my number unless I consent to it. This is me, Remus Lupin, Student ID: 91820716, authorizing you, Justin—I don’t actually know your last name?”

“Finch-Fletchley”

“Alright, authorizing _you,_ Justin Finch-Fletchley, to pass on my phone number to whoever this caller is. Is that enough consent for it to work?”

“Uhm...I guess it can be, yeah. Her name is Minerva, by the way. She’ll probably call you after we get off the phone, she seemed…very anxious to talk to your roommate.”

Remus stiffened. He’d heard stories about a “Minnie” that Sirius had loved while at high school, was this her?

“Hm. Thanks for that.”

Remus hung up, staring at his phone dumbly for a moment after the call ended. What was he _thinking_ , offering to take this call? The last time someone had called the school to look for Sirius, they’d told him his brother was dead—how was he going to deliver that kind of news if Minerva said it? Before he could work himself up much more about what he’d gotten himself into, his phone rang. Taking a deep breath and sitting back down at the table, he answered the call. 

* * *

Sirius wasn’t nearly as asleep as he wanted to be when he heard the door to the dorm creak open quietly. Remus tiptoed in, trying his hardest not to wake his roommate, but was thwarted within seconds as he ran into the chair that Sirius had left in the middle of their open area and fell down.

“ _Fuck!_ ” 

Sirius’ eyes shot open.

“Remus?”

The boy in question groaned from where he’d fallen on the floor. “Go back to sleep, Sirius.”

Sirius flicked on the lamp behind his head and sat up. “No point in that, I’m up now. You okay?”

Remus rubbed his wrist gently from the floor, looking up at Sirius with a strange expression before nodding and standing up with a slight wince. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, then glanced over to the chair and flushed. “Sorry about leaving that there, I should’ve pushed it back in before I fell asleep.”

“Honestly, it’s fine. I’m old enough to know better than to walk aimlessly around a dark room without feeling around to figure out if things are in my way,” Remus said quietly. 

The two were silent for a moment. Sirius’ lamp illuminated the room in a way that made Remus feel like he’d stumbled into a detective’s office from the 1940s, and he suddenly wished that he had better words, _kinder_ words for what the conversation he was about to begin.

“I just got off the phone with someone,” he started.

“Did you now?” Sirius smirked lazily, “late night tryst with Matthew, was it?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “No, you dork. It was someone who’d called looking for you, actually.”

Sirius froze. From his bed across the room, Remus could see the tension in his roommate’s posture when he responded, and winced internally as he thought about the memories that might resurface when Sirius thought about people calling the school looking for him. 

“Oh? Who was it? What did they want?” he queried tightly, looking at a point just to the left of Remus’ shoulder. 

“It was your old teacher, Professor McGonagall—she insisted I call her by her first name while we talked, but I just couldn’t do it—trying to check in on you. She mentioned something about three weeks of unreturned emails…?” Remus trailed off uncertainly and relaxed slightly as he saw some of the tension leave Sirius’ shoulders. 

“ _Minnie_ called?” Sirius said incredulously.

Remus nodded, leaning his head against the wall. “Like I said, something about missed emails and how you used to talk every day? It was a very motherly conversation, all things considered.”

Sirius’ face lit up at that, and he sent a shy smile towards Remus. “Yeah, that would make sense. She’s basically the mom I never had.”

Remus, who’d been about to make a sarcastic comment about Sirius’ love for his former teacher, snapped his mouth shut and stared at Sirius in surprise. He sat there for a few moments trying to figure out how to respond, before settling on “But...you _have_ a mom?”

Sirius laughed dryly. “I mean, _yes_. When it comes to genetics and lineage and all that, Walburga _is_ my mother. But nothing she did ever really extended beyond that.”

Remus wasn’t sure how he felt about that comment. He was familiar enough with the experience of disliking a parent, but his own emotions were rooted in anger at his father for leaving him, for leaving his _mother_ , and Sirius’ words...they weren’t that. There was a resigned sadness in the way he spoke about his mother, and Remus realized with a surprise that he’d heard Sirius speak that way before. A chill ran through him as he began to piece together the patchwork of information he’d gathered about his roommate over the course of the semester. 

Sirius’ initial commentary about Regulus being the ‘only good one’ in his family after his brother died; the casual way he’d stated that his health and accomplishments were part of the family’s _reputation_ rather than being indicative of his wellbeing; the hints Minerva had dropped about what had _sounded_ like abuse while on the phone. Something was off about the way Sirius’ family treated him, but Remus wasn’t sure how to begin that conversation—or if now was even the right time. Instead, he relayed more of Minerva’s message with a somewhat nervous voice. 

“So uh, anyway, Minerva said she hadn’t heard from you in a few weeks and was worried since you’ve got finals coming up and you’d be heading home soon, so she asked me to check in on you.”

Sirius nodded solemnly. “Guess I did drop off on the emails, didn’t I? I can type one out for her tonight if I just—”

Remus cut Sirius off as his roommate reached for the laptop at the end of his bed. “No no, you’re not writing an email to her right now, you have work to do.” 

Sirius' fingers twitched anxiously as they fell into his lap. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think I haven’t noticed that you haven’t started studying for any of your exams? I’m not an idiot, you know, I can tell that you’re avoiding it.” Remus said gently, with a smile and an arched eyebrow to soften the words. “What’s the deal, Star Boy? You’re usually on top of stuff like this.”

Sirius sighed loudly before flopping back down onto his bed. “I’ve got a presentation due tomorrow.”

Remus did a double take at the boy across from him and spluttered as he responded. “You—a _presentation_?? _Tomorrow??_ ”

Sirius turned his head to look at his roommate. “Yeah, it’s for my seminar class.”

“Wait. This isn’t the one that you told me about last month, is it? The one that’s like…” Remus paused for a moment, scouring his memories for the phrasing his roommate had used, “40% of your final grade in the class?”

Sirius groaned in response. 

“Have you done _any_ of it?” Remus said weakly, unable to comprehend how Sirius couldn’t have started an assignment—a _presentation,_ no less—that was due in under 24 hours. 

Sirius shook his head, eyes closed. He heard some rustling and opened one eye to see Remus pulling out a white board from behind his bed.

“What are you doing?”

Remus paused and gave Sirius a thoughtful look. “I’m helping you.”

Sirius propped himself up on his elbow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Remus held out his hand. “Where are the directions? Was there a handout for the assignment or something?”

Sirius didn’t respond, staring skeptically at his roommate. “You’re avoiding the question.”

“I’m not letting you fail out of your seminar, Sirius. You’re too smart to let that happen—you _love_ teaching, there’s no reason you shouldn’t pass this course.” 

Sirius blushed. “But why are you helping me?”

Remus sighed. “Because there’s something going on with you,” he started, sitting on his desk chair and uncapping a dry-erase marker. Sirius tensed from his bed before his roommate continued. 

“I’m not going to make you talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m _also_ not going to let whatever it is cause you to fail your first semester of college.” Remus gestured at Sirius’ desk and continued, “So where are the instructions?”

Sirius sat up fully, feeling somewhat dazed as he grabbed his laptop and opened his email. 

“ _Prepare a 30 minute lesson on a topic within your desired field of education. Students must include at least one interactive element, a video element, and must conclude their lesson by providing and explaining a homework assignment that would accompany the material were it being presented to a class of the appropriate age demographic,_ ” Sirius read off carefully.

“There’s a few checklist-type things at the bottom too, but those are just obvious sorts of things— _students should have a well-rounded grasp of the material and be able to answer basic questions posed by their classmates_ , _students should be dressed appropriately for a classroom setting_ —that kind of stuff.” 

Remus looked up from the white board, where he’d scribbled a few phrases down. 

“Alright then. Let’s get started.” 

* * *

Three hours later saw Remus lying on his back in the middle of the dorm, stomach sore from laughter. 

“So you’re really going to try to tell me that Boston was almost swallowed by a flood of _molasses_ , of all things?”

Sirius nodded earnestly, but a smile was twitching at his lips. “You shouldn’t be _laughing_ , Moon Boy, people _died_.”

Remus started giggling again, the high pitched noise echoing against the wall as he curled a hand over his stomach. “It’s just...in _molasses_ , Sirius, do you not see how _funny_ that is? That’s like someone saying their hometown had an incident 100 years back because it snowed powdered sugar and people got stuck in their houses. It seems like it should be fake but it’s not and I just— “

The rest of Remus’ comment was lost in his laughter, and Sirius let a proper smile come onto his face. 

“ _‘You just’_ need some sleep. I think you’re delirious,” Sirius offered up gently.

Remus started to sit up and shook his head tiredly. “No no no we need to finish, we gotta make sure everything is ready,” he mumbled.

Sirius smiled kindly at Remus, who was clearly ready to fall asleep. His roommate’s eyes were already half-closed again, and the hand holding up his head had marker stains up and down the palm. Three hours of reading up about Bostonian history had done a number on them both, but Sirius had been fueled by frenetic energy, while his roommate had been running on slightly less than a full-night’s sleep.

“Come on. Upsy-daisy, you,” Sirius said as he offered a hand to his roommate, who looked up at him in surprise from the floor. Remus took his roommate’s hand and rose to his feet, stumbling into Sirius. To his credit, Sirius’ heart rate only skipped for a moment before he managed to school his expression as Remus sleepily leaned against him. He shook his head, now _wasn’t_ the time to analyze that reaction. Sirius’ hand tightened against Remus’ waist, and he helped his roommate over to his bed. Remus climbed up slowly, and began rearranging the pillows to get comfortable.

“Hey Star Boy?”

“Hm?”

“If you _do_ want to talk, you know I’m here?”

Sirius looked over at his roommate in awe. He was pretty sure that he’d never known someone as categorically kind as Remus was. It was 1am, the boy was half-asleep from having stayed up all night to help Sirius pass his class, and now he was lying there telling Sirius that he’d be a shoulder to cry on if he needed it. Sirius wasn’t sure he deserved this sort of treatment from anyone, let alone from this doe-eyed saint of a boy. 

“You don’t have to say that, you know. I’m not worth your time, not like that.”

Remus’ eyes opened fully as he sighed into his pillow and rotated to face his roommate. “That’s just not true, don’t be silly.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You’re practically asleep, we can talk in the morning.”

“I’m serious though,” Remus murmured with a little giggle, and Sirius felt his heart flutter in a wholly improper way and looked away. 

“Your feelings are important,” Remus paused and yawned. “My mom always used to tell me that. She'd say, ‘RJ, it might feel like you’re in over your head, but you don’t have to keep a brave face for me. Your feelings are important, they _matter.'_ She wasn't wrong, y'know.” 

Sirius was silent for a minute, trying to figure out how to respond. The concept of feelings having importance was so...foreign to him. His family had never embraced emotions, and he’d learned quickly enough not to talk about them with Regulus because he didn’t want to worry his brother. So he’d never really gotten much practice in talking about the way things impacted him. Sirius turned back around to face Remus again and saw that his roommate was asleep. A fond smile crept onto Sirius’ face unwittingly, and he pulled a stray sheet of paper out from under Remus’ arm, taking care not to wake the sleeping boy.

Sirius looked over at the mess in their dorm. Remus had stood up from the white board with an action plan, and the next three hours had been spent in various stages of organized chaos.

First, a laundry list of topics that Sirius could present on. Then, when they’d narrowed it down to the Boston Tea Party, Remus had immediately pivoted to asking Sirius how he wanted the audience to _engage_ with the material. Did he want his classmates to put themselves in the shoes of the colonists? Or have them try to relate to the British? Once they’d finalized that portion, Remus had then pulled up a slide show and started typing absolutely ridiculous nonsense until Sirius had yelled at him to “cut that out” and taken the laptop off of his lap to fix the slides. From there it was practicing and pacing and practicing again, with Remus throwing random questions at Sirius every time the lesson had finished and Sirius glaring but answering them with a self-assurance that grew in tandem with Remus’ proud smile.

Sirius began gathering the things they’d dropped around the room, tossing a couple of scrap papers into the trash, before pausing when he saw a journal with Remus’ handwriting on it. He _knew_ he shouldn’t look at it, especially not after the incident they’d gone through at the beginning of the semester, but he couldn’t help it. He glanced down at the sheet and took a sharp intake of breath. Remus must’ve been taking some absentminded notes while he spoke with Sirius’ former teacher. His eyes jumped over the words on the page in alarm. _Minerva. (History) Teacher? Weekly emails. No contact._

Sirius felt his heart rate rise as he saw the aimless scribble on the page break off sharply, followed by the word “ _abuse?”_ written in Remus’ quasi-cursive script. Sirius’ eyes blurred slightly and he carefully closed the journal before placing it on Remus’ desk. That wasn’t something he’d planned on talking to Remus about anytime soon, if at all. Sirius felt a bit funny, knowing that someone had suspicions about his home life. But Remus hadn’t said anything about it at all, just that he was willing to talk. Sirius was again swept up with appreciation for Remus’ demeanor and looked over at the sleeping boy.

In the moment, Sirius wasn’t sure what it was that made him do it. Perhaps it was the fact that he’d been anxious all day and the exhaustion of running on adrenaline was setting in. Maybe his emotions were catching up to him all too quickly. Or maybe he’d read the note in Remus’ journal and connected it to his roommate’s actions and found himself a bit overwhelmed with gratitude. Whatever it was, Sirius suddenly found himself walking over to Remus’ bed and looking down at the boy with a tender expression.

Before he could think through the actions, Sirius was pulling a blanket over his roommate to tuck him in gently, and bending down to drop a kiss on Remus’ forehead—the same way he used to tuck Regulus in after he would tire out from a long day. The sleeping boy shifted and Sirius jumped back, suddenly aware of what he’d done. He didn’t regret it, though, despite the slight apprehension that came in the seconds after when he thought Remus was about to wake. 

Climbing onto his own bed, Sirius burrowed into his blankets and exhaled deeply before rolling over to face his roommate. Remus’ hand was cradling his head under his pillow, and the contented expression on his sleeping face made Sirius’ heart swell all over again. He made himself comfortable on his pillows and reached a hand up to turn off the lamp behind him before closing his eyes. 

“Thanks for everything, Moon Boy,” he whispered quietly before drifting off, thoughts of crooked grins and uncontrollable giggles easing him into his first proper sleep in days. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we feel the slow burn? Because I absolutely MELTED writing that bit at the end there. 
> 
> Hoping to upload the next chapter sometime during the next week, but if not then, by next weekend. (I've got the next one started, so hopefully that'll help timing a bit.)
> 
> As a reminder, my classes started back up, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in these next few chapters as I wasn't able to finish them up before the semester started.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	6. With Warm Tears I'll Melt the Snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius did not have a happy holidays, and Remus comes back to the dorm unexpectedly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize for publishing two chapters this close to one another, but I have...absolutely no regrets. 
> 
> I wrote all of this in a sort of frenzied rush, because I'll be honest, I have a LOT of feelings about this chapter. I hope that despite my haste in writing this, it makes sense and is enjoyable for you all to read. 
> 
> Anyhow...As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of anxiety and nightmares, mentions of physically abusive parenting, some foul language, minor mention of blood.

_“In winter with warm tears I'll melt the snow and keep eternal spring-time on thy face.”_

_Titus Andronicus_ , Act III, Scene I, Lines 19-21.

**—January 16th—**

* * *

Sirius hadn’t expected the walk back to the building to be as cold as it was, but here he was, shivering as he stumbled up the steps to his dorm. His hand shook as he raised it to knock, feeling particularly idiotic for not attempting to find his dorm key before entering the building. He’d been in a bit of a rush, though, all things considered, so fishing his keys out of his backpack hadn’t been his primary concern after he’d stepped out of the taxi from the airport. 

The door opened slightly and a bleary-eyed James poked his head through the gap. The pajama-clad boy squinted into the hallway to make out the figure in front of him, glasses nowhere to be seen. 

“Hello?”

“James? It’s Sirius.”

James’ eyes widened. “But you weren’t supposed to be back until—” Sirius cut him off with a wave of his hand. 

“January 26th, I know. Change of plans, can I come in?”

James fumbled with the chain lock, and the door swung open fully a moment later. “Sorry about that. I can’t see _shit_ without my glasses.”

Sirius smirked at his friend and then winced as the cut above his lip twinged uncomfortably. “Sorry for waking you up, I figured you were still up,” Sirius offered as he saw James run a hand through his hair with a smile. 

“Not your fault. I told you I was taking a winter class, right?” Sirius nodded. “Yeah, well...The professor isn’t local, so it starts at 5:30. I learned early on that it was better off for everyone involved if I went to bed before 10:00.”

Sirius nodded in understanding. “I won’t keep you then, you ought to sleep.”

James gave him a strange look before walking into his bedroom and returning a few seconds later with his glasses on. He paused as he took in Sirius properly. 

“Holy _shit_ , what happened to you?” 

Sirius cycled through lies to tell his friend before settling on the easiest one. “I got into a fight,” he said, shrugging gently and trying not to wince at the way his shoulder rubbed painfully against his jacket at the motion. 

James took a step closer to Sirius to get a better look, and grimaced as he made out the bruises on his friend’s face. 

“That’s a hell of a bruise you’ve got there,” he said quietly, staring at Sirius with concern evident in his features. “Do you want some ice for that—” James asked as he brought a hand up to gesture at Sirius’ face before freezing mid-action. 

Sirius had flinched, _hard_. James was man enough to admit that he was ignorant to a great many things, but he knew that people didn’t flinch like that after just one fight. No, James considered, he’d worked with children enough to recognize that sort of response. 

“Sirius,” James started, his voice pitched lower than usual and seemingly strained, “how did this happen?”

Sirius shivered a bit and pointedly avoided James’ eyes. “I told you already, I got into a fight.”

James shook his head sharply. “No, you didn’t. Someone _hit_ you.”

Sirius let his shoulders sag a bit. “Same thing, isn’t it?”

James’ eyes widened in surprise, and the shocked expression on his face would’ve been amusing, were it not for the situation at hand. “Same _thing_? There’s a big fucking difference between getting into a fistfight and someone hitting you, Sirius, you _must_ know that.”

Sirius began backing away as James’ voice rose, hoping he could quietly inch off to his room before the conversation progressed any further. James was having none of that, however, and he crossed the common space to stand in front of Sirius’ dorm room. 

“So are you going to tell me what actually happened, or are you going to make me stand here all night?”

“I ran away.” 

Sirius wasn’t sure what had made him spit the truth out so quickly, but the adrenaline coursing through his veins was telling him to leave. His eyes flitted over to the dorm’s doorway before coming back to rest on James, whose face had paled dramatically in the few seconds since Sirius’ admission as he connected the dots.

“Your parents— _they_ did that _?_ To _you?_ ” James asked quietly, incredulity coloring his tone. 

Sirius nodded silently, again choosing to look away from his friend’s piercing gaze. 

“You’re not going back, right?”

Sirius shook his head this time, not quite ready to put words to his experiences from the last few days.

James was silent for a moment, and when Sirius looked up slightly, his friend was scrutinizing him carefully. “Well. I’ll talk to my parents, but I’m sure we’ve got a place for you this summer.”

Sirius’ head snapped up at James’ comment. “What do you mean?”

“You’re going to need _somewhere_ to go, and you obviously can’t stay here,” James started, “My parents complain all the time about they haven’t met any of my college friends, I’m sure they’ll be happy to have you.” 

“But I don’t want to ask your parents to do something like that,” Sirius started, but James shook his head firmly to cut him off. 

“Well you’re _not_ going back to that house. It just makes sense.”

Sirius’ head felt as if it was spinning. He hadn’t planned on discussing this with anyone, let alone getting an invitation to stay with his friend’s family all summer. He blushed furiously and shook his head gently. 

“Can we talk more about this another time, James? You’ve got classes in a few hours and I just got off of a plane,” Sirius looked over at James with a tight smile as he yawned and felt his lip start to bleed again. 

James still looked concerned, but he nodded quietly before crossing the room to get back to his own doorway. He paused there, turning over his shoulder to look at his friend with an expression so intense that Sirius felt a bit nervous. 

“Just one more thing,” James started carefully, “are you alright? Do you…” he searched for the right words, but came up short with a sigh, “need anything?”

Sirius, tired as he was from getting all the way to campus on his own so late at night, didn’t have the energy to mask the surprise on his face and James’ whole demeanor softened at the sight of it. Sirius shook his head and James looked on skeptically. 

“You can tell me if you do, you know?” 

Sirius nodded gently, before looking up to meet James’ eyes for the first time since his friend had offered him a place to stay. 

“There is one thing,” Sirius began nervously, and James turned around properly to face him with a small smile as he prompted Sirius to continue. 

“Could you...not tell anyone about this? I’m going to have to tell Remus and Peter eventually, but…” he trailed off, thinking about how much harder this conversation would be with his tawny-haired roommate before shaking his head. “I’m not ready yet.”

James walked over to where Sirius was standing in the middle of the common area, still chilled from the outdoors, and looked at him appraisingly. He gestured between the two of them before quietly asking, “Can I?”

Sirius nodded, a bit confused at what James meant by the question, before being trapped in a gentle hug from his friend. _Oh._ The stiffness in his posture began to relax a bit as James held him there, and Sirius soon returned the hug with a relieved sigh. 

“I’ll take this as a yes, then?” he offered up quietly and James chuckled while nodding, head still tucked next to Sirius’ carefully. Sirius relaxed further and James released him a moment later.

“Of course, man. Just let me know if you need anything, alright?” 

A shaky smile made its way onto Sirius’ face and he chuckled. “When did you get so good with emotional stuff?”

James smirked. “Didn’t I tell you? My class is all about gender roles. Feminism and toxic masculinity and all that. I’m a _new man_ ,” he said in a sing-song voice and wiggled his eyebrows, making Sirius laugh. “Really though, they’ve made some good points, I’m enjoying myself.”

“I’m glad,” Sirius said earnestly, and began walking towards his door. “And James? Thank you.”

He wasn’t quite sure if it was a trick of the light, but Sirius thought James looked almost... _sad_ for a moment as he responded with a quiet, “anytime” before disappearing into his bedroom. Sirius shook the thought out of his head and shivered again as he walked into his room, wishing he’d had the foresight to put on warmer clothes instead of packing them. The room had a funereal feeling to it without his roommate in it, Sirius noted. The moonlight shone down onto their reclaimed reading nook, and the walls—which were already nothing to write home about—seemed duller and more gray than they had before. 

Sirius walked to his bed and moved a pillow over, jolting at the slight shock he got from touching the fabric. The pillowcase was cool, exceptionally so, and Sirius had a feeling he was going to be more than a little cold when he fell asleep. He sighed heavily before toeing off his shoes and climbing onto his bed. Wrapping himself in his blanket, Sirius dropped off into an uneasy sleep in between thoughts of being disowned and having a place to stay for the summer. 

* * *

Remus hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the kiss. It had been over a month, but somehow he kept coming back to it. Sirius had gently tugged a blanket over him to make sure he was warm enough, and then dropped a chaste kiss onto his forehead before thanking him quietly. In the moment after it happened, Remus had shifted in the bed because he hadn’t anticipated that his forehead would feel so warm and tingly and _Jesus_ that just wasn’t what he had been expecting at all. It had been soft and sweet and kind, and Remus wasn’t entirely sure he minded it. He’d been dating Matt for almost four months now, but even in that time, Remus wasn’t sure that his boyfriend had extended such tenderness in their relationship.

He’d gotten into his bed that night ready to fall asleep. He’d been up working on his final piece all day, and had just spent the last of his energy on making sure Sirius’ project was done—not that he regretted that, of course, but he _was_ tired. So when he’d climbed into bed, he’d expected sleep to take over pretty quickly, and it did—but not quickly enough, apparently. He was still in that hazy space between awareness and unconsciousness when Sirius moved in front of him, and for the first two weeks after, he’d almost convinced himself that it was just a dream. But then he'd remembered the way Sirius danced around him nervously in the following two days before heading home, and he couldn’t be so sure.

Whatever the truth, the memory had been doggedly persistent, showing up at the most inconvenient of times while home, and causing his mother to ask him what he was smiling about on multiple occasions. Juliana had noticed it too, and heaven help him, Remus had needed to exert every inch of control he had over his willpower not to tell his best friend that his _other_ best friend had kissed him. Remus knew he had an awful poker face, it was only a matter of time before someone saw through it and forced the truth out of him. So when he’d gotten the email from Professor Brooks about an internship opportunity requiring him to come back to campus, he’d played up his enthusiasm about the prospect. 

Which is how he’d found himself here, fumbling with the lock to the dorm’s front door at 2am. Remus knew that James’ class started in about three hours, so he was trying to be quiet, but if the lock didn’t give sooner than later, the colorful string of curse words that he’d been muttering under his breath was going to get significantly louder, and fast. The lock suddenly clicked and the door swung open, leaving Remus to stumble into the common space before catching his balance and looking around. Odd that James had left the light on in the corner, he noted, before turning to grab his suitcase and come in properly. Walking over to his dorm room, he braced himself for the cold air he knew was waiting within and opened the door. 

Whatever temperature difference Remus may have expected, he most definitely _hadn’t_ anticipated what he saw instead. His roommate was back, or so Remus gathered from the shivering heap under the blanket on Sirius’ bed. Remus blinked a few times before quietly maneuvering himself into the room. He didn’t recall Sirius telling him he was coming back early, but finals week _had_ been a bit crazy, so maybe he was remembering wrong. Remus glanced over at his roommate as he moved towards his bed and froze.

Sirius wasn’t shivering, he was _shaking_. And as Remus watched, Sirius began mumbling things and tensing and shuddering, as if he was fighting someone in his sleep. Remus stayed where he was for a moment, his eyes fixed on his roommate as he considered what to do. Sirius didn’t seem to be calming down anytime soon, if anything, his tossing and turning was getting more violent. Remus had never slept in the same room as someone having a nightmare, he only knew what _he_ felt upon waking up—a cold sweat that left him panting for breath, bruises on his palms from clenching his fists too tightly, and the occasional tear stains on his pillow. He shivered involuntarily at the thought and brought his focus back to the present, where Sirius had now started talking more clearly in his sleep. 

“ _Don’t make me,_ **_please_** _!”_

Remus’ heart twisted uncomfortably in his chest, and he moved towards his roommate. 

“Sirius?” he murmured, reaching a hand out to shake Sirius’ shoulder lightly. The boy didn’t calm at Remus’ touch, instead he flipped around to face his roommate, giving Remus a full display of the tears streaming down Sirius’ face. The sight made something tug painfully at Remus’ heart and he tried to wake Sirius more forcefully, with a firmer grip on the boy’s shoulder. 

This time, Sirius’ eyes flew open with a start, and Remus stepped back and put his hands up in a placating gesture as his roommate sat up suddenly. Sirius brought his hand up to grip his left collarbone tightly and Remus watched as his roommate screwed his eyes shut and took a few gasping breaths. When Sirius opened his eyes again, they were damp and red and not focused on anything in front of him. Remus took a slow step forward and Sirius’ head turned so quickly that Remus _swore_ he heard the vertebrae in his roommate’s neck crack. 

“Re-Remus?” Sirius hiccuped and swallowed thickly. “What are you doing here?”

“Came back to talk to a professor, but that’s not important. Are you okay?”

Sirius nodded shakily and Remus rolled his eyes. “Remember when you told me that _I_ was a shit liar?”

Sirius flushed a bit and looked towards the wall to avoid Remus’ gaze. “It was just a bad dream, that’s all.” The two were silent for a moment, before Remus broke the stillness.

“Do you want a hug?”

Sirius turned back to face Remus with surprise. “You’re not going to make me talk about it?” 

Remus smiled tiredly. “Have I ever _made_ you do anything?” Sirius shrugged, and Remus sighed. “No, Sirius, I won’t make you talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Oh.” 

Remus raised an eyebrow curiously. 

“I think I’d like the hug though, if you’re still offering.” 

Remus smiled softly, and stripped off his jacket before climbing up onto Sirius’ bed. He hesitated for a moment as he looked at Sirius, but within seconds the boy had thrown himself at Remus and wrapped his arms tightly around the taller boy’s waist. Remus looked at his roommate in surprise before returning the hug and rubbing his hand gently up and down Sirius’ back.

He felt Sirius start to cry again before he heard it, his roommate’s trembling shoulders causing Remus’ own chest to shake a bit. Not quite knowing what to say, Remus continued the soothing motion up and down Sirius’ back until the boy’s breathing normalized a bit, all the while murmuring quiet affirmations into his roommate’s ear. When Sirius had collected himself a bit more, Remus pulled back to look at his friend, taking one of Sirius’ hands in his own and squeezing it gently. 

“I promised I wouldn’t make you talk about things, and I swear, I won’t, but…” Remus trailed off, his eyebrows furrowed as he ran a thumb over Sirius’ cheek with a featherlight touch. “ _Jesus_ , Star Boy, are you alright?”

Sirius looked down at the hand that rested in Remus’ and bit his lip before shaking his head. He raised his head to look Remus in the eyes, and, seeing an unfettered concern present there, flushed slightly before looking away. Remus began tracing a lazy circle on Sirius’ hand to calm the boy down, and moments later he spoke. 

“I left,” Sirius stated plainly, and Remus’ eyes narrowed in confusion.

“Sorry, left what?”

Sirius swallowed before meeting Remus’ gaze. 

“Home. I ran away.”

Remus stiffened beneath the arm that Sirius still had wrapped around his waist and leaned his head against the wall with closed eyes. 

“You ran—” he took a sharp intake of breath and snapped his head down to look at Sirius’ face again, more intently this time. “Did they...Did they do this to you?”

Sirius shivered under Remus’ attention but murmured his assent quietly. Remus sighed and leaned in closer, pressing his forehead against Sirius’ gently as he resumed the circular motions on his roommate’s palm. 

“This wasn’t the first time, was it?” Sirius shook his head faintly and Remus squeezed his hand tightly in response. “You’re not going back there, alright?”

Sirius pulled away, a bewildered expression on his face as he looked at Remus. “I ran _away_ ,” he started, his voice breaking on the word. “I’m never going back, I _can’t_. They—”

Whatever Sirius was trying to say was lost as he buried his face in Remus’ shirt. The taller boy held onto Sirius’ hand still, but brought his other hand up to hold his roommate’s head tenderly against his chest. 

“I’ve got you, _I’ve got you_ , it’s alright. Let it out, you’re okay, it’s okay,” Remus whispered into the top of Sirius’ head as the boy’s frame continued to shake against him. Sirius leaned into Remus more firmly and nestled his head into the cotton of the younger boy’s shirt. 

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said in a strangled voice, lifting his head ever so slightly to look up at his roommate. 

Remus pulled his head back to see Sirius’ face more properly. The older boy was still trembling a bit, and beneath the purple bruise that had blossomed on his cheek, Remus could tell that he was unnervingly pale. There were smudges under his eyes that spoke to weeks of missed sleep and anxious undertakings. And then there was the way he moved against Remus—despite how tightly Sirius had clung to him, Remus had felt the boy wince under his hand as he’d stroked his back carefully. 

“You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, do you hear me?” Remus ground out fiercely, causing Sirius’ eyes to widen in shock. “You haven’t done anything wrong, in fact, the only _wrong_ thing here is the way your parents have treated you.”

Sirius stiffened and looked away, but Remus continued. “I know this isn’t an easy thing for you to talk about, but _God_ , you don’t deserve to be treated like this. You must know that, don’t you?” 

Sirius was quiet, and Remus brought his hand to his roommate’s chin before turning Sirius’ head gently, hoping to force eye contact. Instead, Sirius kept his eyes tightly closed, and Remus could see he was holding back yet another round of tears. 

“Sirius?” Remus queried softly.

“They disowned me, Remus. I ran away and they kicked me out,” he whispered. “I—I don’t have a _home_ anymore.” His words cut through Remus sharply, and the younger boy winced at the way Sirius choked out the last phrase before pulling him into his chest again gently. 

“We’ll work this out, alright? You and me, together. You’ll be okay, it’ll all be okay.”

Sirius leaned into Remus before looking up at his friend. 

“James told me I could stay with him over the summer, but..” he trailed off, “I don’t know why his parents would want me there or if they’d even like me or—” 

Remus cut his anxious ramblings off with a gentle squeeze. “Star Boy, _everyone_ who meets you loves you, I’m sure they’d be glad to have you around. And anyhow, if they say no, you can always come stay with me.”

Sirius pulled away and looked at Remus in shock. He opened his mouth to protest, but Remus shook his head. 

“That wasn’t a suggestion, Sirius. I mean it. My mother’s been dying to meet you ever since I first told her about you, she’d be thrilled for you to stay with us, okay? So if you can’t stay with James, come home with me.”

Remus saw Sirius’ eyes grow damp again before the shorter boy looked away, and pulled him back into another hug.

“I don’t—I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” Sirius said quietly.

Remus sighed and squeezed Sirius tighter. 

“Because you’re important to me? Because you matter? Because you’re a human being? You’d deserve to be loved and cared about no matter _who_ you are, but the fact is, you’re _you_ , and I know you and I care about you, and if I can do anything to make this better, I will, okay? I know a summer in the midwest isn’t exactly high society, but it’s something, and honestly it’s the _least_ I can do.” Remus looked down at Sirius tenderly, “Okay? Let me help you.”

Sirius nodded silently, pressing his face against Remus' chest and yawning. Remus smiled, glad that Sirius seemed to have cried himself out for the night. 

“Come on, it’s late. You ought to get some sleep,” Remus said quietly, and felt his heart swell a bit as Sirius murmured something incoherently into his shirt. He released his roommate from the embrace, and Sirius took a shuddering breath as he turned his head to wipe the residual moisture from his eyes. Remus shifted to hop off of the bed, and Sirius whipped his head around and grabbed his wrist in a bruising grip.

“Don’t go?”

Remus forgot how to breathe for a moment. Sirius was staring at him earnestly, eyes damp and face flushed, and Remus was suddenly struck by how attractive his roommate was, even now. The two were in quite close proximity, another detail that seemed to register belatedly in Remus’ mind. He blinked a few times to clear his head before tilting it slightly.

“Sorry?”

Sirius sniffled and loosened his grip on Remus’ arm before stumbling over his response. “You don’t have to, I mean, I don’t _need_ it or anything, but...if you wanted to stay?” 

Remus’ gaze softened as he saw a flash of fear in Sirius’ expression. He leaned in closer to his roommate again. “Of course, budge over a bit, will you?”

Sirius’ eyes widened and he nodded quickly before moving over in the bed and throwing his blanket over Remus. 

“Do you want to…” Remus trailed off as he sat next to Sirius, distracted as he noticed that his side was comfortably warm from where it was pressed against his roommate. He shivered a little and started again. 

“Do you want to talk anymore? Or just…”

Sirius noticed the shiver and pulled his blanket further over Remus before shaking his head. “I just wanna go back to sleep,” he murmured quietly. Remus looked over at Sirius and nodded gently. 

“Alright then, let’s lie back down then, hm?” 

Sirius looked up at Remus in surprise. “You’re going to stay?”

“It’s not like I don’t need to get some sleep too. It’s 3am, you _dork_ , I wasn’t just going to sit up and watch you all night,” Remus said good-naturedly. “Plus, I’m already here, and getting to my bed would mean I’d have to get up and walk _all the way_ across the room,” he added with an exaggerated sigh. 

A pretty flush spread across Sirius’ cheeks as Remus was talking, and he heard a whispered “oh” come from his roommate. Remus smiled and bumped Sirius’ shoulder gently. 

“Come on Star Boy, lie down.”

Sirius slid down under his blanket and stared at the ceiling, feeling his roommate join him a moment later. The two lay in silence for a few minutes before they both spoke at the same time. 

“Do you have enough—”

“Any chance you could—”

Remus chuckled before trying again. “You first?”

“I was just going to ask if you had enough room,” Sirius said quietly. “I’m up against the wall, but I could turn on my side if you need more space. What were you going to say?”

Remus blushed before letting out a breathy laugh. “I was going to ask if you could scoot over a bit, but I suppose you just answered that. You wouldn’t mind rolling over?”

“No, ‘course not,” Sirius said before rolling onto his side and moving towards the wall. Remus moved further in towards the center of the bed and stiffened when he ran into Sirius’ back.

“Is that comfortable for you?” he asked softly, imagining Sirius shoved up against the wall. 

“S’fine, why?”

Remus swallowed thickly, trying to force the words out without letting his voice crack. “I was going to say that if it’s more comfortable for you to have your back against the wall, you could do that instead.”

“Oh.” Sirius breathed out, his voice slightly muffled in his pillow. “Really?”

“It’s _your_ bed, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable in it.” Sirius felt his face redden, and was glad that he was still facing away from Remus when that comment came out. Shifting again, he turned around and pressed his back against the wall. Remus’ face was inches from his own now, close enough for Sirius to see the light dusting of freckles on his roommate’s cheeks. His face grew warm and he closed his eyes as he saw Remus start to shift next to him. 

“Is this...a normal thing?”

Remus snorted quietly. “What, lying in bed together? I don’t see why not, girls do it with each other all the time.” 

Sirius’ cheeks turned pink as he responded. “Well yeah, but not all girls have significant others and still lie down together.” Remus stiffened next to him, and Sirius regretted the words almost instantly.

“Sirius, if you don’t want me to sta—”

“That’s not what I meant, I just…” Sirius stopped and opened his eyes again, looking up at Remus. Their faces were even closer now, with Remus’ head turned towards his roommate. “I don’t want Matt to be angry with you,” he finished lightly. 

“It’ll be fine,” Remus said firmly, bringing an arm under a pillow and shooting Sirius a look to make sure his roommate wasn’t uncomfortable. “And if it isn’t, then I’ll deal with that when it comes. This is important,” he paused, catching Sirius’ gaze in a determined stare, “ _You’re_ important.”

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say, so instead he threw an arm over Remus’s chest and hugged him. He felt Remus start at the abrupt movement, but the taller boy quickly relaxed into the embrace and brought an arm around Sirius to return the gesture. The two stayed that way for a few minutes before Remus felt Sirius’ breathing slow down, and noticed a few moments later that the grip around his chest had loosened somewhat. A bittersweet smile made its way onto Remus’ face—as happy as he was to be here with Sirius, he was still furious at the Black family for putting his roommate in this situation. 

Sirius shouldn’t feel like his emotions didn’t matter. He shouldn’t have felt like his parents preferred his brother over him. For _fuck’s_ sake, Sirius shouldn’t have felt obligated to go back to a house where his parents _hit_ him, but here they were: Sirius a runaway, and Remus cradling his roommate against his chest as he finally slept. Remus thought about Sirius’ comments about Matt and felt his anger rise again. 

His roommate was right, if he found out what they were doing right now, Matt _wouldn’t_ take it well, but when Remus had seen the vulnerability in Sirius’ eyes he hadn’t cared. Sirius was one of the closest friends he’d made in college, if not his best friend. He deserved to know that someone cared, not just in a surface level way, or one that was dependent on his actions and performance. Remus had developed a soft spot for Sirius, he realized suddenly, and the younger boy wasn’t angry about it. Remus knew that Sirius was a good person, but he’d spent the last four months chipping away at the ‘bad boy’ persona, and had been somewhat surprised to discover how genuinely kind his roommate was. Remus looked down at the sleeping boy again and started to relax into Sirius’ pillow. 

“I meant it, Star Boy,” he whispered as he closed his eyes. “You’re so _damn_ important. And I know you don’t want to believe me, but I’ll spend the rest of the semester making sure you know that you are if I need to, okay?”

Remus let out a contented sigh and felt the weight of the day catch up to him. He breathed out slowly before dropping a kiss to the top of his roommate’s head, a sweet smile on his face as his arms gently encircled Sirius’ body.

“So damn important.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I up the heat of the slow burn in this chapter? Maybe. Do I regret it? No. The FOREHEADS LEANING TOGETHER, GUYS.
> 
> Hoping to upload the next chapter sometime during the next week, but if not then, by next weekend. (I've also got the next one after this started, so hopefully that'll help timing a bit.)
> 
> As a reminder, my classes started back up, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in these next few chapters as I wasn't able to finish them up before the semester started.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	7. True Love Never Did Run Smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus is suddenly single, and his friends are worried about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this chapter comes with a couple of caveats, the most important being that this was my least favorite chapter that I've written. I'm not entirely sure why, but...it is what it is. So if you really hate it for some reason...I suppose let me know in the comments? That said, the next chapter is one of my favorites, so maybe my disdain for this one just stems from it being situated between the last chapter and the next one, since I'm in love with both of them. 
> 
> I do want to take some time in writing the last couple of chapters to make sure everything fits in properly and wraps up well, so I'll likely be back tomorrow with Chapter 8 (only needs minor edits since it's already written), and *hopefully* on Friday with Chapter 9. If we're lucky, the whole thing can be wrapped up by Sunday--but I make no promises.
> 
> Anyhow...As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, mentions of abusive behavior, some foul language.

_“Ay me! for aught that I ever could read, could ever hear by tale or history, the course of true love never did run smooth.”_

_A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ , Act I, Scene I, Lines 132-34.

**— February 7th —**

* * *

“Remind me again what I’m doing here?” Lily asked the boys sitting across the table from her with a raised eyebrow. Peter looked nervously over at his roommate before speaking. 

“You know Remus, right?” Peter started, and James rolled his eyes in exasperation. 

“Didn’t need to go _that_ far back, Pete. They had class together last semester.”

“Forgot about that. Well anyway, he broke up with his boyfriend.”

“Might be a bit generous to say that _Remus_ broke up with _Matt_ , but yeah, we think it happened on Tuesday night.”

Lily cut the boys off with an excited whisper. “Do you mean it? He’s not with Matt anymore?”

James furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the red-headed girl. “Don’t tell me _you_ have a crush on Remus too,” he complained. Lily shook her head furiously. 

“No no no, it’s just…” she continued, gesturing as she did so between the water bottle to her left, the napkins in front of her, and the salt and pepper shakers to the right. 

“Remus started dating Matt back in September, and he was decent enough. But then the further along in the semester we got, the more troublesome the relationship seemed, so the fact that they’ve broken up is really just a relief.”

James relaxed back into his chair with a sigh. “Yeah. That’s how we felt about it too. Peter said he’d overheard some arguments between the two of them and they...weren’t pretty.” Peter shook his head darkly from where he sat next to James. 

“There was at least one night back in November that he made Remus cry,” Peter started, and James elbowed him to make him stop talking. 

“ _Anyway_ ,” James muttered “you’re here because we’re trying to figure something out, and you know Remus as well as the rest of us.”

Lily arched an eyebrow. “What are we trying to figure out, then?”

James gestured to Peter, who pulled out a slightly crumpled piece of paper out of his jacket pocket and scanned it before speaking. 

“The following pieces of information are facts: One, Remus Lupin and Matthew Blake are no longer in a relationship; Two, Remus Lupin was _not_ the one to terminate the relationship, and is thus in a somewhat fragile emotional state—”

Here, James jumped in to qualify the statement. “And by fragile emotional state, we mean that none of us have seen more than a few glimpses of Remus in three days, so...we’ve assumed the worst.”

Lily rolled her eyes at James’ dramatics but motioned for Peter to continue.

“Three, Sirius Black is half in love with Remus Lupin; Four, Remus returns Sirius’ affections, he just hasn’t realized it yet; Five, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black should have dated instead of Remus Lupin and Matthew Blake,” Peter finished.

“Which one of you is training to be the lawyer here?” Lily joked mildly before smiling as Peter sheepishly raised his hand. 

“Sounds about right,” she chuckled. “But I take your points. What exactly do you want me to do with that information though?”

“Well ideally _we_ would figure out a way to get Sirius and Remus together,” James said flatly, as if it was obvious. 

“But not in a rebound sort of way,” Peter added hastily, “We really do think they’d be good for each other. I mean, you know how Sirius reacted when Remus came back from the library after that scuffle with Snape, he’s not particularly subtle about it.”

“And Remus?”

James fidgeted in his seat, and Lily felt her heart do a funny jump at the nervous expression on his face. 

“Well he hasn’t exactly _said_ it, but I happen to know from a _reliable source_ that the two of them spent a night together in Sirius’ bed after his family kicked him out.

Lily choked on the water she was drinking. “They _what?”_

James looked over at his roommate and saw Peter giving him the same flummoxed expression.

“Not like _that_! God, did neither of you know this? I could’ve sworn I told you, Peter.”

“No, _definitely_ not.”

Lily cleared her throat and James glanced back at her. “Are you going to give any context, or…” 

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Remus got in late that night, after I’d already gone to bed for my class. Apparently the two of them had some sort of heart to heart when he got in, and when I woke up the next morning I went to check on Sirius and found the two of them _cuddling_ , for lack of a better word, in Sirius’ bed.” 

Lily looked at James with a rather fond expression before shifting her gaze to Peter.

“So just to be clear...you asked me here to help you figure out a way to get your roommates together?”

Peter shrugged while James adopted a sheepish expression and both boys nodded. Lily rolled her eyes at them, but James thought he saw a smile pulling at the edge of her mouth. 

“I’m doing this for them, _not_ for you, James.”

James beamed, and after exchanging a look with Peter, grabbed his own journal out of his backpack.

“Here’s what we’ve got so far.”

An hour later, the three friends were puzzling over how to make sure Sirius didn’t think he was a rebound when the subject of their conversation walked into the dining hall and made his way towards them.

“Shit, put the journal away, put it _away_ , James!”

The three scrambled around with the items on the table as Sirius approached, and the boy looked at them suspiciously before greeting his friends. 

“Fancy seeing you here,” Sirius said with a half-hearted smile, and Lily frowned at the expression. “Got anything good from the food court?”

Peter chuckled nervously and James kneed him under the table. Lily rolled her eyes at the two and looked up at Sirius. 

“I was thinking about getting a milkshake, do you want to join me?”

Sirius nodded silently and Lily rose to join him, sending a pointed look at the other two boys at the table to clean up their mess before walking towards the food counter with Sirius.

“How are you doing?” she asked quietly, once they’d put some distance between them and the table where Sirius’ suitemates sat. Sirius grimaced and looked up at the menu. 

“About as well as I could be, given the circumstances, I suppose.” Lily looked over at him and grabbed his hand to give it a squeeze. 

“Do you need anything?” 

Sirius shook his head. “I’m not sure I would know, to be honest. But between James and Remus, they’ve both offered up places to stay over the summer, and I’m on a scholarship here, so that’s all taken care of.”

“But you’d tell one of us? If you did?” Lily asked gently.

Sirius nodded, “Remus made me promise to talk to him if things were going badly.”

Lily murmured her approval before looking over at him and changing the subject. “Have you seen him lately? He wasn’t in class on Wednesday and the professor cancelled class yesterday, so I haven’t seen him all week. I sent him a couple of texts and he didn’t answer, and maybe he’s just busy, but…”

Sirius shook his head. “No, he’s been avoiding our entire suite since he and Matt broke up. I’ve barely seen him myself since Monday night, and we share a room.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, he leaves before me and comes back after...I think he’s trying to hide in the library. Was planning on staying up late tomorrow to catch him when he came back, if I could.”

Lily nodded. “If it works, tell him we’re worried about him, will you?”

Sirius looked over at his friend and sent her a reassuring smile. “I’m sure he’s fine, Lils. But if I see him, I’ll tell him, okay?” He squeezed her hand back as they stepped up to the counter. The two ordered their milkshakes and then returned to the table, where the topic of conversation was still his roommate. 

“Somebody’s got to talk to him, don’t you think?” James was saying as Peter nodded. 

Lily and Sirius sat down. “Talk to whom?” the red-haired girl asked as she took a sip from her drink. 

“Remus,” Peter responded. “None of us have seen him all week, we’re a bit worried.”

“Sirius said he’s going to try and get a hold of him tonight, so maybe that’ll help?” Lily offered up helpfully. Sirius put down his drink and chimed in.

“I was going to stay up late and see if I couldn’t catch him when he came home.”

Peter and James nodded in agreement and then changed the subject to talk about the football game that night, which both of them had planned on attending. The four stuck around for another twenty minutes while Sirius and Lily finished their shakes, before the boys left to meet up with their neighbors for the game. As Sirius and Lily stood, Lily gave him a searching look before throwing her arms around him in a hug. 

“Just wanted to remind you that we still love you,” She said, and Sirius’ face flushed as he relaxed into the embrace. “I know we’re all talking about Remus, but make sure you’re taking care of yourself too, alright?” Lily said as she released him and stepped back, ready to leave.

Sirius nodded and gave his friend a small smile. “Can do, Lils.”

Lily smiled back warmly and began walking away before pausing and turning over her shoulder. “Good. Send my love to Rem if you see him, alright?”

Sirius gave a salute and watched his friend leave. He gathered his things and took a deep breath before checking his phone and walking out of the dining hall. 

* * *

Remus supposed he should’ve seen this coming. Every other guy he’d ever been with had done something similar, after all. But Matt had been different. He hadn’t led with anything that would’ve tipped Remus off to the way things would end—not the way that some of the others had. No, with Matt there were only ever little things. Subtle jabs about the things that Remus liked. A temper that was a _bit_ too easy to trigger, and resultant words that hurt far more than Remus assumed they were meant to. Little comments here and there about not appreciating when Remus shared his own opinion. Frustration at the pace of their relationship. 

Maybe they _had_ been red flags. But Remus hadn’t wanted to see them, he _never_ wanted to see them. He figured that he’d seen enough hardship growing up that he didn’t want to actively assume it in the people around him. But perhaps he should’ve, if it was always going to end this way when he didn’t. He got back to the dorm and darted into his room and closed the door quietly, hoping to avoid drawing any attention to himself. After taking a brief glance at his phone, Remus relaxed as he discovered that James and Peter had gone out to dinner before the football game that night. Sirius clearly wasn’t in the room and was likely with James and Peter, meaning Remus would have the room to himself for a long while yet. 

He threw his backpack onto his desk and set his phone to play Frank Sinatra before climbing into his bed and curling up against his pillows. Juliana had texted him again today, wanting to know why he wasn’t responding to her messages and had ignored her calls, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her what happened. Instead, he’d spent all day in the library, poring over his textbooks but not retaining anything that he read. It seemed it didn’t matter what he tried to focus on, because Matt’s words would swim to the forefront of his mind and distract him. The time in the library had mainly been spent fixating on Matt’s complaints regarding intimacy—or lack thereof, Remus supposed. 

Remus hadn’t ever been a particularly big fan of public displays of affection, namely because he’d spent most of his life trying to divert attention away from himself. He’d obviously hugged people like Juliana and his mother, but when it came to dating, Remus was far more conservative on that front. Which is likely why Sirius’ late night forehead kiss had fascinated him so much. Despite Juliana’s encouragement to experiment in their youth, Remus had never kissed someone before—not properly, at least. That hadn’t been an issue with the other people he’d dated—they were all young, it wasn’t terribly uncommon. 

Apparently that sort of thing mattered in college, or if nothing else, it did to Matt. They’d spent multiple evenings curled up on a sofa or a bed watching a movie, only for Remus to draw away apologetically when Matt leaned down. Remus couldn’t understand why it was such a problem, but as the relationship progressed, Matt had gotten more and more irritated by it. When they’d fought on Tuesday, Matthew had come up with all sorts of terrible ideas about why Remus refused to kiss him—none of them particularly accurate or kind—and had spat them out as just one aspect of a set of grievances that Remus had apparently inflicted upon their relationship.

Remus knew better than to take Matt’s words personally, he _did_. But he was also a writer, and he knew the sort of impact that words could have—regardless of their intent. So he’d sat there in the library for _hours_ , trying to figure out if all of this was really his own fault, or if Matt’s words were just a byproduct of his anger. At the end of the day, he supposed, it wouldn’t really matter. He’d wasted enough time thinking about it by that point, the seeds of self-doubt had been planted. 

By the time he’d gotten back to the dorm, the realization that he very well _could_ have been all of the things that Matt had accused him of had sunk in. Maybe he _had_ been selfish for asking Matt to wait on things. Maybe he _did_ need to stop talking so much about the creative merit of good screenplays. He curled tighter into himself and felt tears begin to roll down his cheeks as he considered the other complaints Matt had lodged. Maybe he _was_ too sensitive about things, after all. But when he reached the last insult that Matt had thrown, that no one would ever want to be with him, Remus started sobbing—and once he started he couldn’t stop. So he stayed that way, crying into his pillows, wrapped up tightly in his oversized sweater, and thinking miserable thoughts until he heard the door to the room open.

* * *

As Sirius headed back to the dorm with a faint frown on his face, his mind wandered back to his roommate. He really _hadn’t_ seen Remus since Monday night, and it was now...Saturday? It wasn’t like Remus to be this mysterious. His only consolation was that Remus had responded to his late night check-in messages, although never with more than two or three words. While there was little information to be garnered from “at the library” or “studying,” Sirius at least knew that his roommate was alive, if nothing else. 

That hadn’t done much to assuage Sirius’ concern, however. He knew better than anyone that survival instincts weren’t the same as living. Remus had never run away like this, not from Sirius. He’d edged out of difficult conversations with James or Peter, but not with his roommate. They’d spent hours talking through all aspects of their childhoods, their future plans, their families—or lack thereof, in some cases—and Remus had never once shied away from a topic, except…

Sirius sighed. Matthew _had_ always been off limits, he supposed it was too much to ask for that to have changed now that they’d broken up. But he didn’t think that avoiding everyone in the suite was strictly necessary either. As he trudged up the stairs to their dorm, Sirius puzzled over how best to approach Remus when he found him later that evening. Maybe a hot chocolate and a promise to watch a 90s romcom back at the dorm? He chuckled as he opened the door to the suite and froze.

There was music coming from his and Remus’ dorm, but he’d just left James and Peter behind at the dining hall, which meant it _had_ to be Remus himself. Sirius approached slowly, throwing his backpack onto the couch of the common area before pressing an ear to the door of their room carefully. Sweeping violins trickled through the wood and Sirius exhaled slowly as he recognized the last lines of _Strangers in the Night_ echo in their dorm. But as the song faded out, a different sound caught Sirius’ attention and his expression darkened. Remus was certainly in the room, or at least, someone was—and they were sobbing rather distressingly.

Sirius pushed open the door gently and looked over into the room. Remus was curled into himself on his bed, his upper body drowning in an oversized sweater and his head buried under a thin blanket. Sirius stood in the doorway with a frown on his face before calling to his roommate. 

“Remus?”

The boy in question responded by moving towards the wall and pulling his knees up closer to his chest. Sighing, Sirius approached him and peered over the top of the bed to try and catch a glimpse of Remus’ face, but his roommate merely pulled the blanket tighter around himself to hide from view.

Sirius placed a hand on Remus’ shoulder lightly before trying again softly. 

“Moon Boy?”

Remus drew the blanket off of his face and slowly turned to face his roommate. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was tearstained and blotchy. Sirius tried to remember a time when he’d seen Remus look as utterly despondent as he did now, but he couldn’t—the closest approximation had been the night that Sirius and James had returned from their excursion at the chapel and Matthew had yelled at Remus about his priorities. As he looked down at his roommate, Sirius realized that he hadn’t said anything since Remus had turned to face him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Remus looked away and swiped at his eyes. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he sniffed. “I just get emotional when I watch _Dead Poet’s Society_ , okay?”

Sirius smiled amusedly at his roommate. “Remus, the television isn’t even _on_ , how many times do I need to tell you that you’re a shit liar?”

A huff of irritation escaped Remus’ mouth, and Sirius took it upon himself to hop onto the bed, nestling himself behind Remus’ knees and grabbing his roommate’s hand.

“Did I ever tell you about Charlie?” he offered up quietly. Remus shook his head against the pillow, and Sirius began playing with the fingers on his roommate’s hand, rubbing them gently as he spoke. 

“We started dating when I was 16. He was a little older, 18 at the time. We’d gone to school together,” Sirius took a deep breath. He’d never talked to anyone about why Charlie and he had broken up, it had just... _happened_ and he’d let it go. 

“I was young and so was he, but he had... _experience_ , you know,” Sirius gestured aimlessly with his free hand. “So I trusted him to steer our relationship in the right direction.”

Remus looked up curiously at Sirius, who was still playing with Remus’ fingers absentmindedly. 

“I didn’t realize it at the time, but Charlie was using me—I’m not even sure that _Charlie_ knew he was doing it, if I’m being honest—in some sort of misguided attempt to get at my family,” Sirius laughed bitterly. “As if my being gay wasn’t enough of a disappointment for them.” 

“He didn’t hit me, not the way…” he trailed off, and Remus twisted the fingers in Sirius’ hand around to intertwine them properly with a squeeze.

“He didn’t do that. But he had other ways of reminding me I was a burden that he merely put up with.”

“Anyway, it took about two years for someone to knock some sense into me. It was Regulus, actually,” a faint smile appeared on Sirius’ face, “He’d told me when I first started seeing Charlie that I deserved better, but I didn’t want to listen. _Young love_ and all that. But my senior year, Regulus made me swear I’d break up with him before graduation or he’d do it for me. It was only after I’d spent about a week in October crying in the school’s fourth floor bathrooms every night that I realized Regulus _might_ have been on to something.” 

Remus shifted in bed and sat up to lean against the wall, staring at his roommate indignantly.. 

“You didn’t deserve that,” he said with a sour expression as Sirius looked over in amusement.

“If I didn’t deserve it, then you _certainly_ don’t, Moon Boy.” 

Remus sniffled and turned to look at the wall.

“It’s just, I thought Matt was different, you know?” Sirius nodded silently, and Remus continued.

“I’ve only ever been in relationships with people that were awful to me, one way or another. No matter how long I’ve weighed the options or hoped that things would work out, I always ended up being hurt, but Matt wasn’t like that—not at the beginning.” Remus stated tremulously, and Sirius could see the tears begin to well up in his roommate’s eyes. Sirius glanced over carefully, before shifting his position to sit side by side with Remus, hands still intertwined and tightly squeezed together. 

“But there was always something wrong, with the others. We’d be fine for a few months, and then it would be as if someone flipped a switch and suddenly I was everything that they couldn’t stand,” Remus inhaled shakily, and Sirius leaned against him gently. 

“So I started wondering if maybe it was me—maybe _I_ was the problem. But Matt wasn’t like that. He liked who I was—I mean, for _fuck’s_ sake, our first date was the two of us going to see _10 Things I Hate About You_ so we could talk about Heath Ledger, it’s not like he was transparent about being an asshole.” Remus shuddered and Sirius felt the tremor against his side with a frown. 

“But then,” Remus began haltingly, “He would say such _horrible_ things to me. That I was too soft, too emotional about things. Or that I was a prude for knowing how far I was willing to go with him. Or that—” Remus’ voice lost its pitch as the words tumbled out unbidden, “that I was a terrible excuse for a boyfriend and that no one would ever want to date me after him.” 

At this, Sirius snapped his head around to look at Remus, who was pointedly staring forward to avoid his roommate’s questioning gaze. 

“That absolute bast—”

“What if he’s _right_ , though? What if there’s never someone?” Sirius stared at his friend, in shock at the deprecating words coming from his mouth. 

“No.”

Remus tilted his head towards Sirius tiredly. “No?”

“He’s not right. There are plenty of people who would love you properly and treat you the way you deserve, I _swear_.”

Remus sniffled a bit more before letting out a shaky exhale and pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the headache he knew was coming later.

“I just wanted to find someone who wouldn’t be angry with me when I set boundaries, or when I talked about the things I love or…” he trailed off. “I just wanted to be _enough_ for someone. Just how I am—no changes, nothing forced or pressured. Was that too much?” He finished quietly, and Sirius looked over in awe before wrapping his free arm around Remus’ waist and pulling him down onto his lap lightly. He moved his hand from Remus’ waist and placed it onto his roommate’s head instead as he began carding his fingers through Remus’ curls lazily. 

“Of course not. That’s not much to ask for at all.” Sirius sighed in frustration. “Remus, you deserve the whole _world_. Anyone who tells you differently is an absolute idiot because you _do_ , and you always have. Matt didn’t deserve _you_ , it wasn’t the other way around and I swear, if I see that absolute _ass_ on campus I’ll—” Sirius broke off as Remus chuckled from his lap. 

“I’m being serious, you know,” Sirius tried again, but Remus had only begun laughing harder at that comment. 

"You're being _Sirius_?" he finally got out, and Sirius rolled his eyes fondly at the boy.

“And I’m the ridiculous one,” Sirius mumbled, but he looked down and saw a sleepy smile on Remus’ face for the first time since he’d arrived, and he couldn’t help but smile back. 

“Come on, you. That’s enough crying for today, let’s get some sleep, hm?”

Remus opened one eye and looked up at Sirius from where he was positioned in his roommate’s lap. 

“D’you wanna stay?” Remus breathed out the question and Sirius felt his heart race at the idea. 

“I think I might. After all, my bed is _all the way_ across the room,” he smirked, and squeezed Remus’ hand when he saw the boy happily sigh and curl into his chest.

Sirius slid down and situated the two of them beneath Remus’ blanket carefully, feeling oddly protective of his roommate. They settled more comfortably onto the bed and Sirius felt a strange sense of deja vu come over him when Remus turned onto his side and drowsily placed an arm over Sirius’ chest to hold him closer. The position was surprisingly comfortable, he noticed as he snuggled up closer to Remus. Sirius figured his roommate was almost asleep, and relaxed under Remus’ arm. The last time they’d done this, Sirius had woken up feeling more well-rested than he had in years. He could get used to this routine, he considered, although perhaps without one or the other of them needing to be in tears. 

Sirius looked over at Remus, whose head was resting on his shoulder. Remus’ face was still a bit puffy from crying, and his hair had flopped messily over his forehead. Sirius ran a hand through Remus’ hair to move it out of his eyes and the younger boy nuzzled his head into the touch. Before he could overthink it, Sirius shifted and dropped a kiss onto Remus’ forehead and Sirius paused before bending his head down until his lips were inches from Remus’ ear. 

“I meant it, Moon Boy. You deserve the whole damn world.”

Moments later, Sirius joined his roommate in sleeping, his head leaning atop Remus’ and their hands still intertwined under the blankets. 

When James and Peter came back after the game ended to find the two boys tangled up in Remus' bed this time, they smiled and took a picture to send to Lily. 

10:14 PM — “ ** _Step one done.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If nothing else, these two are getting rather good at the "there was only one bed" trope. (What can I say, being in the midst of a pandemic really makes me miss cuddling hahaha)
> 
> Someone asked for some interactions between the rest of the Marauders so I threw in a liiiiiiittle bit of that at the beginning there--hope we enjoyed that. 
> 
> As a reminder, my classes started back up, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in these next few chapters as I wasn't able to finish them up before the semester started.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	8. There Was A Star Danced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus has a stomach bug, and Sirius has a realization of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONGRATS YOU'VE MADE IT TO MY FAVORITE CHAPTER SO FAR! 
> 
> This was actually the first chapter I wrote for this fic (whoops?) and I've been sitting on it for a whole THREE WEEKS waiting to share it, so I'm very excited to finally put it out into the universe. 
> 
> There is mention of a medical procedure (not in detail), and I did do some research on symptoms and what not, but they aren't necessarily the most common ones associated with this procedure, so...do with that what you will.
> 
> I'm about halfway through (maybe less depending on how many words I decide I want it to be hahaha) Chapter 9, so *hopefully* I'll still have that for you on Friday. If we're really lucky, the whole thing may be wrapped up by Sunday--but I make no promises.
> 
> Anyhow...As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of vomiting, brief mentions of cancer, mentions of surgical procedure, mentions of sedation, some foul language.

_“There was a star danced, and under that was I born."_

_Much Ado About Nothing_ , Act 2, Scene. 1, Line 348.

**—March 9th—**

* * *

Remus knew something was wrong when he tried to stand up and found that he couldn’t. His stomach had been acting oddly for a few days now, but when he swung his legs around in the swivel chair towards the aisle and felt his right leg buckle before he’d even tried to put weight on it, that concern heightened considerably. 

“Remus!” Lily was there in an instant, deftly catching the books he’d abandoned in favor of a solid purchase on his desk. “Are you okay?”

Remus looked at his legs curiously for a moment before trying again. “Yeah, sorry. Must’ve tripped over something.”

Lily didn’t respond, but shot him a concerned glance. She looked at her watch, then back at him. “You’ve got _Types and Methods_ next, right? 10am?” 

Remus nodded, gritting his teeth against the soreness in his leg. In his experience, “random” aches and pains were rarely random, and rarely harmless. But he _had_ gone for a run yesterday to settle his nerves—his first in a long while—so that was likely the cause. As he tuned in to the rest of Lily’s commentary, he caught the end of her sentence. 

“...and I’ve got a study group to attend over lunch today, so...Do you want to grab a coffee now? We’ve got about two hours to kill.”

Remus’ stomach turned at the idea of consuming anything, but he pasted a smile on his face with a practiced ease and agreed. The two walked over and stood in line for a few minutes at the coffee shop, discussing their plans for spring break before reaching the register.

“I’ll have a cold brew with a splash of milk, and he’ll have…” Lily turned to face Remus, who was gently waving her off with a smile. 

“I don’t need anything, Lil, I’m fine.”

“Consider it an early birthday gift, then.” 

Remus chuckled before putting his hands up in a gesture of mock surrender. “Fine then, you’ve got me,” he said with a small smile. “I’ll have a small hot chocolate, please.” Lily grinned as she paid. 

“There’s my favorite chocolate lover," she said, motioning with her hand for Remus to follow her to a table. The two placed their things down on the seats before Lily approached the counter to grab their drinks. Remus followed her figure with his eyes and then gasped as a series of chills swept through him. When Lily came back to the table, she gave him a curious look. 

“Rem, are you sure you’re alright? I don’t think I’ve seen you eat more than a few saltine crackers for two days, you nearly fell over when you stood up earlier, and now you look as pale as a ghost.” 

Remus looked morosely into his cup, not quite convinced that he wanted the steaming beverage at all. “I think it’s just a stomach bug, honestly. I’ve felt a bit off since Wednesday, but I’m sure I’m fine.” 

Lily looked skeptical, but didn’t press further. “Your body, your rules,” she said, holding her hands up. “But let me or Sirius or— _God_ _forbid_ —James know if you start feeling worse, alright? We’ve all got cars or access to one and could take you to an urgent care if you needed it.”

Remus rolled his eyes and took a sip of his hot chocolate before leveling his gaze to meet Lily’s. “He’s not that bad, you know. James, I mean.”

The redhead huffed in exasperation, but a smile played at her lips. “Not _this_ again. I’m sure he’s perfectly lovely to you, but I’m not interested.”

“I’m not saying you have to be best friends or anything, I just think you’re being a bit harsh on him. Sev may not have been a bad guy, but even you have to admit that he wasn’t exactly a good guy either.”

“Maybe not, but I never said I needed James Potter to fight my battles for me.” 

Remus smirked at that. “Oh trust me, he’s well aware.” Lily shot a bemused look across the table at him. “Anyway, after seven months living with the guy, I feel confident saying that if he was queer, I’d date him. Take that assessment of his character as you will.”

Lily quirked an eyebrow before sighing. “Your current track record with men leaves much to be desired, Remus. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement.”

“One, not _everyone_ I’ve ever dated has been awful; Two, not every guy can be ‘the one,’ alright?”

“Sure, but Matt was objectively awful, you know that, right?” 

Remus stiffened in his seat, but waved her off casually. “Yeah, yeah, we’ve been through this before,” he paused abruptly, then stood. “I’m going to run to the bathroom—watch my drink?”

Lily nodded and Remus walked towards the restroom as quickly as he could without drawing attention to himself. Once inside, he knelt in a stall with his hands braced against the cool metal walls. His stomach was churning, and before he knew it he was vomiting rather violently into the toilet bowl. _That felt delightful_ , he thought as he clutched his abdomen in pain. Another wave of nausea came over him and he angled himself towards the toilet again. He stayed there for some time, eyes closed and breathing through his nose.

* * *

A door opened and closed gently, and Remus’ eyes fluttered open. _Funny,_ he thought, _he didn’t remember leaning against the wall like this_.

“Remus? You in here?”

Remus’ eyes widened a bit at the sound of his roommate’s voice. “Sirius? What’re you doing here?”

Sirius approached the stall, but stayed along the opposite wall. “I was grabbing coffee after class when I saw Lily. She said you came in here a half hour ago but that she hadn’t seen you come out. Told her I would stop in and see if you were alright.” A pause. “ _Are_ you? Alright, that is.” 

Remus shifted on the ground and let out a quiet groan at the pain in his stomach. “Think I’m sick.” He heard a huffed laugh from outside the stall. 

“Hate to break it to you, Moon Boy, but that much is obvious. I should’ve asked ‘are you able to walk back to the dorm with me or are you in need of urgent medical care?’ How does that one pan out?” 

Remus latched a finger under the stall door to open it. “I think I’m alright to walk back.”

Sirius looked Remus over appraisingly from above before reaching a hand down. “Well up you get, then.” Remus grabbed the offered hand and squeezed his eyes closed as Sirius helped him to his feet. He opened his eyes again when he felt a firm grip around his waist steadying him.

“You sure you’re good to walk there?” Sirius asked, his voice lacking its usual joking tone. Remus angled his head to meet Sirius’ gaze. 

“It’s only a few minutes from here.”

“A few minutes and four flights of stairs, Remus,” Sirius said firmly, but his expression was kind. Remus swallowed. 

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Remus grimaced, “Let’s go, I want to lie down.” 

A chuckle, and then, “You’re the boss, Moon Boy.”

The two made their way out of the bathroom without much difficulty, only to be met by a pacing Lily. “Remus, you look awful! Why didn’t you tell me that you felt this bad?” 

Remus offered up a sheepish grin. “Didn’t want to worry you?” he suggested quietly and Sirius snorted. 

“Because disappearing for half an hour into a bathroom and emerging looking like a ghost is _far_ less worrisome than just telling your friends you don’t feel well, obviously,” he muttered. 

Lily shot a glare in his direction. “We’re taking you back to the dorm. You’re going to get in your bed, and get under the covers, and take some Advil, and sleep some of this off, alright?” Remus nodded mutely, still a bit too nauseous to respond properly, and the three left the coffee shop, Sirius’ arm firmly looped around Remus’ waist and pressed against his back . 

They made it to the residence hall without incident, but as they turned the corner from the front desk, Remus cringed at the sight of the narrow stairway. 

“Well,” Sirius started, “There’s four ways we could go about this.” Remus looked over at him blankly as he began counting the options off on his fingers. 

“One: We let you go it alone and follow behind you—not happening; Two: I carry you in some ridiculous bridal style arrangement—possible, but may upset your stomach further; Three: You get a free piggy-back-ride—promising, but still might upset your stomach; or Four: We keep on like this up the stairs until we meet someone, then we pause and I stand behind you while they pass—seems like the least offensive option to me.” 

Remus blinked a few times, having been a bit distracted by both the churning of his stomach and Lily’s muttered, “the ‘ _Best of the Ivies_ ’ and we still can’t manage accessibility. Damned old buildings.”

He tilted his head to meet Sirius’ eyes again before exhaling quietly. “Whatever’s easiest, I suppose.” 

Sirius smiled gently. “Joined at the hip it is, then.” The two of them made it halfway up the four flights when Remus stumbled and nearly sent them both tumbling down the steps. Sirius tightened his grip on Remus’ waist and looked over at his roommate in concern.

“You good?” Sirius asked, quietly enough that Lily couldn’t hear. 

Remus’ shake of his head was almost imperceptible. “Breathing,” he panted, “It hurts.” 

Sirius’ face turned ashen. “Come on, then. We need to get you lying down, I think,” he said before moving to pick his friend up. Sweeping Remus’ knees up over his free arm and adjusting his other against Remus’ back, Sirius carried him up the remaining two flights to their dorm. Lily unlocked the door for them and Sirius walked to their couch and deposited Remus upon it.“I’m going to get your pillow and blanket and a bin, alright? Do you need anything else?” 

Remus shook his head while his friends went to his and Sirius’ bedroom and closed the door to talk.

“So we’re both in agreement that this seems like more than just a stomach bug, right?” Lily posited as Sirius started gathering Remus’ bedding. The dark-haired boy nodded, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

“The problem is,” he began as he grabbed Remus’ favorite throw blanket from off the window seat, “I don’t know if this is just what stomach bugs look like for him. I mean,” he paused and scrutinized Lily carefully. “You know about—”

“The cancer?” She cut him off. “Yeah, he told me about it back in October.”

“Right. Well. I don’t know if the drugs he’s on make weird things happen when he gets sick, you know?” 

Lily nodded, a pensive look on her face. “Do you have any more classes today?” 

Sirius shook his head. “No, my last one ended at 8:30. Was planning to stay in and keep an eye on him.”

Lily nodded again, deep in thought. “That’s good, that’s very good,” she murmured absently. “You should see if you can get his fever down a bit, he seemed rather flushed when we were at the coffee shop.” 

Sirius inclined his head towards her in a curt nod before opening the door to the common area and bringing the bedding over to his friend. Lily went to grab a bin from their bedroom and lingered in the doorway when she saw Sirius kneeling next to Remus and brushing a stray curl off of his forehead as he placed a hand there to gauge the younger boy’s fever. 

“Alright, Moon Boy,” Sirius whispered. “I’m going to need you to sit up just a little for me, okay?” Remus muttered something unintelligible and Lily heard Sirius snort quietly. 

“Yes of course, you’re very tough. Now roll over just a tad—there you go, that’s better now, isn’t it? You’re going to be just fine, alright? You’re going to take a little nap and when you wake up everything’s going to feel better, I promise. And I’ll be right in the bedroom if you need me, okay?” Another mumble, and this time Sirius stood and Lily could see the gentle smile on his face. She brought the bin over to the couch and dropped a gentle kiss on Remus’ head.

“Get some sleep, Rem,” she said as Sirius met her by the door. “Do you want to walk me out?” she offered. Sirius gave her a curious look but nodded. The two were halfway down the stairs when Lily broke the silence. 

“It’s obvious how much you care about him, you know.” Sirius faltered on the steps, but his face remained impassive. “I’m serious!” He shot her a grin. 

“You’re such a drama queen,” she muttered. “But honestly though, anyone with eyes could see that you’re in love with him, Sirius. You should tell him.” Lily paused mid-step, suddenly realizing that Sirius was stopped three stairs behind her. She turned around and saw Sirius, frozen, a white-knuckled hand clutching the railing. 

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he ground out, shaking his head slightly. 

Lily smiled warmly at him. “Sirius, I’ve seen the way you look at him. I know you guys didn’t exactly hit it off at the beginning, but the boy is head over heels for you, you have to know that. He’d be overjoyed to know you feel the same.”

“And I’m just supposed to take your word for that, am I? Sorry to ruin whatever star-crossed lover fantasy you’ve made up in your head about the two of us, but that’s just…” Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly. “That’s just not how things are.”

Lily looked up at Sirius with a sad smile. “I know that’s what your instinct is, and I don’t mean to trivialize your emotions, but you’re just...wrong. I mean, think about it—he got into a fight over your reputation within two months of knowing you—”

“When he was _dating Matt_ , Lily. You can’t just rewrite history like that.”

Lily sighed. “I didn’t want to play this card, but...” she looked at Sirius with a devious expression, “Do you want to pretend that cuddling up with each other in bed is ‘just something friends do’ too, then?”

Sirius stared down at her in shock before stumbling over a response. “What do—how did—who...?” 

Lily shook her head in amusement at Sirius’ confusion before continuing down the stairs. “You’re hopeless, both of you. You love the boy, Sirius. Even if you don’t take any action on it, don’t deny yourself that admission.”

* * *

When Sirius returned to the dorm, Remus was fully asleep on the couch, his head angled into the pillow under his shoulder, his body curled in on itself and trembling slightly. “Too damn noble to tell us you weren’t feeling good,” Sirius murmured, shaking his head while grabbing the blanket from the armchair and draping it over the sleeping boy. Walking into their bedroom to grab a book and relax on his bed, Sirius paused. Lily’s words echoed in his head. _You love the boy, Sirius. Don’t deny yourself that admission._ He placed his hands against the wall and leaned his forehead against it, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths. 

_Remus picking him up from the hospital after Regulus’ death and not asking too many questions or trying to tell him it’d all be okay in the end. Remus coming back from the library with blood streaming from his nose, and only confessing an hour later that it had happened while defending Sirius’ honor. Remus’ head snapping to face him when he came back from his exploration of the abandoned lot next to the campus bloodied and covered in mud, and then gently wiping the blood from his palms and knee and wrapping them with some gauze. Remus joining him in bed under the blankets when he’d awoken from a series of nightmares after he’d run away from home. Remus confiding in Sirius that he’d only ever been in relationships that ended up hurting, and avoiding meeting Sirius’ eyes while sharing that all he wanted was to find a decent partner who wouldn’t get angry at him when he set boundaries or talked about the things he loved._

Jesus, he _was_ in love with Remus. The thought sank into his mind like a drop of dye in a glass of water, recoloring every memory, every interaction, every shared glance. His knees began to shake and he flipped himself around so his back was against the wall and then slid to the floor. _He was in love with Remus_. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back gently as he let the thought wash over him again. _He was_ _in love with Remus._ And suddenly he couldn’t stand to be so far away from the younger boy. He stood back up, grabbed a book, and quickly made his way back into the common area. Remus was still asleep, but he looked more peaceful than he had before. All at once, Sirius was overcome with exhaustion. He grabbed the nearest armchair and pulled it along next to the couch. 

Sirius looked at the boy beside him and a gentle smile stretched across his face. Remus was _lovely_. Sirius thought he’d known that for a while, but perhaps he’d tried to suppress the knowledge while he was denying his feelings. But now, looking at his flushed face, the soft curls, the long eyelashes—Sirius was almost taken aback by how precious Remus was. He was a kind-hearted boy, who saw the best in people and only wanted to be treated kindly in return. Sirius felt his heart swell at the thought of it, but a murmur from the boy in question cut off his mind’s wanderings. 

“Mmm the floor is hot, I don’t want to stay here.” Sirius heard, and he began to gently stroke Remus’ forehead as the boy shifted around in discomfort.

“Shhhh it’s alright, Remus. I’ll grab a cool cloth for your forehead, okay? It’s alright, it’ll all be okay.” Sirius stated as he stood to wet a washcloth. When he returned and dabbed it gently against Remus’ forehead, the younger boy leaned into the touch and Sirius froze for a second, not expecting that sort of reaction. He let his hand linger there for a moment, before patting the cloth down and leaving it. With his dabbing hand now free, Sirius grabbed one of Remus’ hands—the one that was gently tugging on the sleeve of his shirt—and intertwined it with his own. The exhaustion from earlier washed over Sirius again and he yawned quietly, before nestling into the armchair and closing his eyes.

* * *

When Sirius next awoke, Remus wasn’t just shifting; he was thrashing about on the couch while gripping tightly to Sirius’ hand. Something was wrong, he decided, this wasn’t how stomach bugs worked no matter _what_ sort of medication a person was on. 

“Remus, come on now, wake up,” Sirius stated, using his free hand to gently push his friend’s shoulder. When he received no response, he tried again with a bit more force. “Remus! Come on, you need to wake up!” Remus’ eyes flew open and he gasped. 

“Easy there, Moon Boy. Are you alright?” Sirius asked carefully, trying not to draw attention to the fact that their hands were still connected. Remus shook his head violently before turning over and vomiting into the small bin that Lily had placed there earlier. Sirius rubbed gentle circles across his back, whispering quiet words of encouragement. 

“I think something’s wrong, Sirius. I think,” he paused to retch again and Sirius winced. “I think I need to go to a doctor.”

“Urgent care, or—”

Remus cut Sirius off with a frantic shake of his head. “Emergency Room. Something’s not,” he curled further in on himself, “something’s wrong.”

Twenty minutes later, a tense Remus was leaning his head on an antsy Sirius in the waiting room at the local hospital.

“Mr. Lupin?” a dark-haired nurse called and Remus rose, Sirius standing to join him. “Sorry sir, family only when we do examinations. You’ll have to wait here.” Sirius deflated a bit, but Remus shot an uneasy smile his way and Sirius sent him one in return. Five minutes went by. Then ten. Then twenty. Then forty. Soon, an hour and a half had passed and Sirius still hadn’t heard anything, so when a blonde nurse came into the waiting room and began looking around, he paid no notice. Until she stopped in front of him to catch his attention, that is. 

“Are you Mr.Black?” Sirius’ head shot up immediately in concern. 

“Yes, that’s me. What’s happened to Remus, is he alright?” The questions tumbled from his mouth before he could control himself. The nurse looked at him sympathetically. 

“How about you follow me and we’ll talk someplace private, hm?” Sirius’ heart dropped to his knees, something must be terribly wrong. He trailed along behind the nurse until they stopped beside a curtained-off room. 

“We had to call Mr. Lupin’s mother beforehand, as she was listed as his emergency contact, but he asked us to notify you as soon as the procedure was completed.” 

Sirius’ voice was shakier than he meant for it to be when he finally spoke. “Procedure?” 

The nurse chuckled and squeezed his hand gently. “Nothing too terrible. His appendix ruptured, and we removed it. It’s a very common procedure, he should be up and moving again by tomorrow morning.”

Sirius paled. “But you...You had to perform surgery on him?” he inquired timidly. The nurse chuckled. 

“We did, but he took it very well and should recover in no time—four to six weeks?”

“Four to six weeks,” Sirius murmured quietly. “Is he awake? Am I...allowed to see him? Or is that only family members too?” The nurse smiled again. 

“Normally, it would only be family members, but as Mr. Lupin’s mother is still a bit far away and you’ve stayed here so patiently, and since Mr. Lupin specifically asked for you when he first woke up, we’ve decided to bend the rules a tad. He’s still a bit sedated, so I wouldn’t recommend any terribly poignant conversations with him, but I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you.” Sirius felt a weight lift off of his shoulders as she stood and pulled the curtain back a bit.

Remus was lying in the bed with his eyes half-open when the nurse walked in. He perked up when he realized that Sirius was following along behind. 

“Star Boy! You came!” he whisper-shouted, causing Sirius to chuckle weakly before sitting in the chair next to him.

“Of course I came, you dork. I drove you here, I wasn’t going to leave you all alone,” he retorted kindly. Remus tried to turn a bit in his bed but the nurse stopped him by placing a hand on his right shoulder and holding it against the bed gently.

“We’ll be having none of that, Mr. Lupin. Don’t make me tell you again, or else I’ll have to send Mr. Black here home.” Remus’ face turned to a pout almost immediately, and it took quite a bit of willpower for Sirius to bite back a grin. 

“You can’t do that, I love him! That’d be mean. You’d leave me all alone!” Sirius froze as the nurse poked fun at Remus with a smile while replacing materials in the cabinets. _Remus couldn’t possibly_ **_love_ ** _him,_ his mind supplied, _he was just saying things to mess with the nurse._ But when the nurse left, Sirius scooted closer to his friend and surveyed him carefully. 

“Are you feeling better now, Remus?” he asked quietly, grabbing Remus’ left hand and rubbing gentle circles on it absentmindedly. Remus looked at him carefully, before squeezing his hand and smiling, albeit a bit lopsidedly. 

“Course I am. They took all the pain out, and you stuck around. You always make things better, you know,” he said, attempting to keep a straight face. The expression was ruined slightly by the boyish grin creeping onto his face, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to be upset. He closed his eyes and exhaled for the first time in what felt like hours. 

“I’m glad you’re alright, you had me worried there,” Sirius offered up finally, squeezing Remus’ hand back.

Remus removed his hand from the other boy’s grasp and Sirius slowly opened his eyes to see his friend looking at him curiously. He held his breath as he watched the younger boy slot their fingers between each other and then fold together. 

An easy smile spread over Sirius’ face and he chuckled. “You’re something else, Moon Boy, you know that?”

“So you’ve mentioned.” Remus frowned. “You look tired, you should go home and sleep.”

Sirius, who was already feeling his eyes start to droop, forced them open to shake his head drowsily. “No sir, not leaving you alone here.”

Remus chuckled, and spoke more soberly this time. “Sirius, I love you, but my mom should be here in a few hours. You really don’t have to stay.”

There it was again, that L-word. Sirius chalked it up to the effects of the anesthesia and shook his head for the second time. “Nope. Not leaving until there’s someone else here for you. Maybe not even then.”

“And _I’m_ the dork here,” Remus remarked kindly. 

“You’re on drugs, Moon Boy. It’s only a matter of time before you embarrass the hell out of yourself, I’m just trying to do you a favor here,” Sirius chuckled.

“I don’t see what I’m saying that could be embarrassing. I’m only stating facts. The surgery went well. I feel better already. My mom will be here soon. I love you, but you don’t have to stick around.”

Sirius pretended he didn’t hear the last one, for his own sanity. He was getting tired of shaking his head and instead shot a joking glare at his friend. Remus sighed. 

“Well if you’re not going to go home, the least you can do is get some sleep here. You look exhausted.”

“Shouldn’t that be my line?”

“Probably.”

“I’m wide awake. I’m offended that you would imply otherwise,” Sirius retorted, but his yawn contradicted his words. 

“As you should be. Get some sleep. I’ll wake you up if anything exciting happens, alright?”

“Mmkay.”

“And Sirius,” Remus started with a long-suffering sigh as his friend’s eyes slid shut.

“Hm?”

“I really do love you, y’know.”

“Mm.”

* * *

There was another voice in the room when Sirius drifted back into consciousness. As his awareness came back to him, he noticed that his fingers were still entwined with Remus’ and he smiled lazily before shifting in his seat to get more comfortable, keeping his eyes closed while doing so.

“So. This is Sirius, then?” A beat of silence followed, in which Sirius assumed Remus nodded. “The nurse said he’s been here since you came in—it’s been hours, kiddo, shouldn’t they have sent the boy home?” A low chuckle. 

“Probably. But they couldn’t bear to wake him up after I told them that he’d refused to leave until you showed up.” A surprised noise came from across the bed. 

“I see. And is this the same one who took care of you after that absolute asshole—”

“Yeah, mom.”

“Then he’s also the one who—”

“One and the same.”

“Hm. I think I like him.”

Sirius could hear the smile in Remus’ voice. “Good. Because I do too, quite a bit, I think.” 

“And does he feel the same way?”

Remus didn’t respond. 

“Remus John, what aren’t you telling me?”

“I haven’t told him yet. Well, I might’ve let something slip when I was coming out of the anesthesia, but I don’t think I did. So...I’ve got no clue.”

Mrs. Lupin was silent for a moment before speaking. “You’re not usually this shy about your feelings.”

Remus exhaled slowly. “I like him a lot, mom,” he finally said when he spoke. 

“I can tell.”

“And I don’t want to ruin things.”

“Understandable.”

“Because I don’t know if he feels the same way or if that's even _allowed_.”

“You realize the kid spent five hours watching over you at your dorm, another hour or so in the waiting room, and has been asleep here by your bedside for another two hours, right? Are we talking about the same Sirius, or have I missed something?”

Sirius could imagine the blush spreading over Remus’ face, as well as his own, and buried his head deeper into his sweater to prevent anyone from seeing. Remus’ hand squeezed his gently while he did so, and Sirius was sure he felt his heart swell.

“I don’t know, mom. Maybe he’s had bad experiences with people in hospitals! After what happened with his brother, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Mrs.Lupin clucked her tongue softly. “I think you’re reading the cards wrong here, kiddo. I won’t deny that he may have had some other reason for sticking around today, but nobody spends this much time around someone as sick as you must’ve been without having a fair amount of feelings for them.”

“That’s another thing! How do you even—” 

“Did you forget that you gave Lily my number at the end of the first semester?” She texted me as soon as you and Sirius got to the dorm, and again when Sirius took you here. Honestly, by the time the nurses called, I was already halfway to the airport.”

“Oh.”

“‘Oh’ is right. But back to what I was saying, I think you ought to tell him.”

Sirius felt the hand holding Remus’ shake a bit, and realized Remus must be shaking his head. 

“I can’t, I already told you. And anyway, Matt and I only broke up a month ago, I wouldn’t want Sirius to think he’s some sort of rebound or something ridiculous like that.”

“On your head be it, then. I’m grabbing a coffee from the machine down the hall, do you need anything?”

Sirius’ hand shook again, and he heard Mrs. Lupin’s footsteps fade down the hallway. Internalizing the conversation that he’d just heard, Sirius shifted again and opened his eyes slowly. 

“Hey Moon Boy. How are you doing?” he said sleepily, eyes fixed on Remus.

The boy in question shrugged carefully, so as not to irritate the incision site. “All things considered, I’ve had worse birthdays.”

“Worse birthda—Is it past midnight?” 

Remus nodded. 

“You know I’m going to make you explain that some other time when you’re not in a hospital bed, right?”

Remus laughed lightly. “Oh calm down, it’s just the emergency room. These are hardly dire straits.”

“But on your _birthday_?” 

“Oh now you’re just being ridiculous. I’m fine, honestly.” 

“You should get some sleep, you know. You look exhausted.”

“Rude of you to say that to someone who just had an internal organ turned external.”

Sirius gagged quietly. “Probably.”

“And anyhow, in your words: ‘I’m wide awake. I’m offended that you would say otherwise.’”

“Oh, you remember that, do you? Two can play at that game, Moon Boy. I believe the correct response there was ‘As you should be,’ or did I get that wrong?” Remus scowled at Sirius, but closed his eyes regardless.

“Oh, and Remus?”

“Hm?” 

“Happy Birthday, you dork.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. So at least one of our boys knows what's hit him. The other one...Well, the jury's still out on whether or not Remus knows how he feels. 
> 
> Like I said, this was my favorite chapter that I've written so far...Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> As a reminder, my classes started back up, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in these next few chapters as I wasn't able to finish them up before the semester started.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	9. If Music Be the Fruit of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus comes to a realization of sorts, and Sirius misreads (admittedly) mixed signals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH OKAY 
> 
> I don't even know how to preface this chapter??? I thought it was going to be awful but every time I reread it while editing I had FEELINGS and each time it was at a different place so I'm not sure if I should say "I'm sorry" or "You're welcome" to you all hahaha. 
> 
> Anyhow...As usual, I've updated the warnings for this chapter, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of cancer, brief mentions of surgical procedure, mentions of anxiety, some foul language.

_“If music be the food of love, play on; give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die.”_

_Twelfth Night_ , Act I, Scene I, Lines I-3.

**— April 29—**

* * *

The only thought in Remus’ mind as he trudged up the stairs to his dorm on Monday afternoon was that he was so damn _tired._ On Friday night, he’d hastily thrown together a backpack of essentials before trudging down to Lily’s car and making his way to the airport. Once getting off campus, the ride down to Philadelphia was mainly highways, so Remus had brought a book to focus on instead of watching the blurring landscapes and feeling his stomach flip around faster and faster. Lily had offered to take him to the airport when she’d heard he was going to try and crowdsource his way into getting a lift, but despite her inquiries into the matter, he wouldn’t tell her why he was going home, only that he was. It wasn’t like him to be this secretive, but after catching a glimpse of how tightly Remus’ hand was clenched on his book when he emerged from his dorm, Lily decided not to press any further. 

In truth, Remus himself wasn’t sure why he didn’t tell his friends the reason he was going home. It wasn’t anything abnormal, not for him at least. Monthly check-ups had been a part of his life since he was seven. Scaling them down to every three months and later to every six had finally made him feel like he was slowly becoming more...normal. He wasn’t sure he would ever be normal, though, not when he’d come so close before and been drawn back down into the trenches. Even beyond all that, the appointments, while less-frequent than before, were still uncomfortable. Blood work and marrow tests and invasive questions weren’t exactly designed to be fun experiences, after all—the treatment plan had been called ‘aggressive’ for a reason. 

But his friends here knew that. It’s not like anyone had asked him to spell out the intimate details about what he was going home for, just why. _They’ve never had to hear about it this closely though,_ Remus reminded himself. _They’ve only ever heard me talk about it in the past tense, not the present._ When Remus thought about it, very few people outside of his mother and his doctors knew about his illness growing up, and fewer still learned about it after he’d moved into the maintenance therapy stage in high school. The only one was Juliana, and even then, she only learned after nearly a year of attempting to weasel it out of him, he realized as he read the same line in his book for the third time over. The words blurred together in his mind as he thought back to his childhood. 

Almost a year to the day after Lyall Lupin’s unceremonious abandonment of his family, Hope and Remus received a letter from an attorney. As it would happen, Hope’s grandmother had died, and named her as a significant beneficiary of her estate. While this wouldn’t have ordinarily been a cause for celebration, having spent a year trying to support Remus and herself on a nurse’s pension, Hope took the money and ran. The Lupins moved into “Grandmama Ethel’s” old house, a quaint property about 30 minutes from the city hospital, and Remus continued in school without much trouble—until he turned seven. 

When everything started to fall apart, Remus’ mother pulled him out of school and began teaching him herself—at home, at the hospital, during car rides back and forth. Later, Remus had quietly thought to himself that it was quite lucky he enjoyed reading as much as he did, or else the whole situation would’ve been made significantly more painful than it already was. Regardless, when the cancer came back when he was 11, and when it took a turn for the worse at 15, Remus didn’t have high hopes for his academic future. Recurrence wasn’t usually a good sign, or at least, none of the studies he’d seen bookmarked on his mom’s computer when he’d snuck down to use it one night had indicated that it was.

He’d been thrown back into a more ‘ambitious’ treatment plan, into testings and medications and therapies all over again, just when he’d thought he was in the clear. It was a lonely three years spent throwing himself into whatever activities he could find that weren’t deemed “too dangerous for his health” by his doctor or “inappropriate” by his mother. Somewhat unsurprisingly, this limited Remus’ options when it came to selecting hobbies. But he tried, he _really_ did. He found baking shows and made some disastrous displays in the kitchen that had made his mother cry with laughter when she’d seen him realize that adding yeast to a loaf of bread was an essential step in the process. He attempted to learn the piano, albeit badly at first, before realizing that he was far better suited to the guitar and taking that up instead, casually plucking the strings in soothing sounding patterns in the early evenings. In the midst of this, he began writing—short stories about the frogs in the backyard, narratives told from the perspective of his neighbors, more personal pieces about his life and the things he was worried he’d never get to experience. 

Around this time, Remus also began taking near-daily walks to the local diner to read, write, and study. At the beginning, he was fatigued enough after the 15-minute walk down the road to need to recuperate when he finally walked in. He would spend the first ten minutes after arriving engaged in some good natured people watching, relaxing into the seat and calming down his breathing. Remus discovered that this was especially enjoyable in the summer, when there were children his age out and about. It was on one of those days that Juliana Burke walked into his life. 

“Who **_are_ ** you?” she’d said, sliding into the booth opposite Remus while he’d copied down some equations from his textbooks. “Some sort of kid-genius or something?”

Remus had looked up, startled. He’d been studying at the diner for almost a year now, and no one had ever approached him but the waitresses. She’d looked like a literary heroine when he met her gaze, which, he supposed later, was an apt description for the way she carried herself. Dirty blonde hair that had clearly once been in neat plaits now had various strands poking out as if she’d been running into the wind all day, and bright blue eyes dared him to answer her question. 

“Um...No, not really.”

“Then why are you here, _studying_ , almost every day.”

“I’m doing my homework.”

“Isn’t that what the school year is for?”

“This _is_ school for me.”

“Oh so you’re _home_ schooled,” the word came out of her mouth with a strange emphasis. “What, do your parents think TV is evil, and if you go to school with the other children they’ll turn your brain to mush?” 

Remus shook his head.

“Then what? Are they afraid of the influence of the ‘rebel kids’ at the local schools? We _do_ bite, you know.”

Remus snorted, thinking of his mother’s collection of books on liberal politics. “No, it was just more convenient for my mom and I.”

“Ah, there’s a smile.” She had grinned at him. “I’m Juliana, but you can call me Julie.”

“I’m Remus,” he’d responded hesitantly, and then they were off and running, although Remus often felt as if Julie was running and he was being dragged along for the ride. But she visited him every day in the summer, and came by the house often once school started, and after a year of coaxing smiles and laughter out of the quiet boy, he finally broke his vow of silence and told her about why he was homeschooled. They’d been laying in the grass of Remus’ backyard in late June, and Remus’ breath had caught in his throat when he heard Julie roll onto her side to face him. She’d stared at him, hard and searching, for a few moments and then replied with “I don’t see how that changes anything, you’re still my best friend,” before rolling back down and leaning her head on his shoulder. Remus’ entire body had relaxed into the warmth of the girl next to him, deliriously happy. 

Once Julie knew, the two became even more inseparable. When Remus finally joined the ranks of the public school students at 16, Julie immediately introduced him as “my friend Rem, you know, the one that I always talk about?” and that was that. Remus suddenly had friends, none so dear as Julie, but _friends_ his own age. Normal teenagers, who led ordinary lives and who only thought he was a little bit odd for being quiet, but not for anything else. Julie was also the first one he told when he suspected he liked boys as well as girls, and despite his renewed anxiety that he’d said one thing too strange for her friendship, she’d taken it in stride just as she had before. And if she slipped him notes in class to make fun of his slightly-too-obvious staring at Jack Newsom, well, Remus didn’t actually mind. 

She’d made him swear to text her when he was coming home from school, so she could make sure to see him, and thus far she’d kept her word. When he’d flown home in October with the dual purposes of celebrating his mother’s birthday and getting his semi-annual checkup, Julie’s car was waiting at the airport for him. The girl in question had let out a thoroughly embarrassing noise before running to hug him. As they’d drawn apart, she grabbed his chin gently in his hand and examined the split lip with a skeptical eye.

“Honestly, getting into fistfights after only three months? What sort of man has college turned you into, Rem?” Remus had grinned, the crooked one that she always brought out in him, before replying that he’d tell her all about it on the drive home. With his friend’s exaggerated responses ( _“The boy put you as his emergency contact? And then you tried to fight someone to defend his honor? Rembrandt, I think you’ve got a crush!”_ ), Remus had felt like he was 13 again, rolling around in the grass and flinging water balloons at each other until they were soaked and giggling until their stomachs hurt. 

Thinking about it as Lily turned off of the highway had made him smile, and then frown as he’d realized how much he had to recount to her this time. He groaned quietly and Lily glanced over with concern, but Remus was too busy staring out the window to notice. His knee bounced frantically the rest of the way there. 

* * *

By the time he touched down, his phone had seventeen missed messages—one from his mother asking him to contact her when he arrived, and sixteen from Juliana, ranging from **_"Remmy boy when do you laaaaaaaand"_ ** to **_"Meant to send you this cat video last week, since I’m already here I figured I’d do it now."_ ** He chuckled at his best friend’s impatience as he walked off the plane and sent off a quick “j _ust got off, meeting Jules now. See you tomorrow_ ” message to his mom. 

Juliana was leaning on her car when Remus exited the airport, a red licorice rope clenched between her teeth as she threw her blonde hair effortlessly up into a messy bun. Remus grinned when he saw her and snuck around from the side to steal one of the red candies out of the package held in her sweatshirt pouch. 

“You absolute _ass_ , I paid good money for those!”

“Like you weren’t going to share,” Remus scoffed before pulling open the back door to drop his duffel bag on the seat. 

Julie scowled, but her eyes were smiling as Remus stood up fully in front of her. She looked him over carefully, her gaze lingering on his face for a moment longer than usual before she spoke. 

“No more fistfights, then?” she said with a smirk. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “Was told to lay off intense physical exertion after they pulled an organ out of me last month,” he quipped. 

“Oh and I’m sure that’s been just _awful_ for you, hasn’t it?”

“Hey, I go on runs!”

His friend shot a skeptical look his way. 

“Okay, I went on _a_ run, but _still_! That’s something!”

Julie gave him a disbelieving look and then burst into laughter, and Remus suddenly felt a bit melancholic about the fact that she hadn’t been with him for the last eight months that he’d been away at school. James and Lily and Peter were all great friends, and Sirius was a lovely roommate, but Juliana _knew_ him so well that being with her felt like coming home—no matter where they were. Remus pulled her into a hug and she chuckled in surprise before hugging him back. 

“Alright you weirdo, get in the car,” she said as she released him and stepped back. “It’s getting late and I want to get home before midnight.” 

Two hours later, Remus and Julie were chuckling at an old comedy show on the couch in her basement. The program turned to commercials and Julie stood to grab popcorn and called out to him from the kitchen. 

“So apart from the obvious, any life updates I should know?”

“I mean, you know about Matt—”

“No thanks to you,” she interrupted as she poked her head into the room with a stern look on her face. 

Remus flushed lightly. “I told you I was sorry about that, you don’t have to keep bringing it up.”

“I’ll keep bringing it up until you realize how fucking _terrified_ we were that something had happened to you. Your mother had to text _Lily_ to figure out if you were alright, and even she barely seemed to know what was going on.”

A sheepish expression settled on Remus’ face. “I really _am_ sorry. Sirius and I talked about it later and I realized that probably wasn’t the best way to go about things.”

“Probably?” Julie huffed out in exasperation. “At least Sirius was able to talk some sense into you,” she said as she walked back into the kitchen to grab the popcorn. 

Remus’ face colored rapidly. “Er...Yeah, he was.”

Juliana rejoined Remus on the couch and settled under the blanket. Looking up, she paused at the expression on Remus’ face. 

“Now _that_ looks like you’ve got something to tell me,” she said with a smirk, tossing a handful of popcorn into her mouth as she stared at her friend questioningly. 

Remus reddened further. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“Oh come _on_ Rembrandt, the last time I saw you, you wouldn’t shut up about Sirius. You’ve only said his name once and are as red as my sweater,” she gestured down at her school hoodie, “So what’s changed?”

“Nothing’s changed, Jules. Just don’t have as much to talk about there.”

“See, you _say_ that, but I just,” she gestured upwards in mock surprise, “Can’t bring myself to believe you.”

Remus rolled his eyes and shoved his friend gently. “Oh shut up, would you?”

Julie sent a knowing look his way and raised an eyebrow. Remus sighed and grabbed the popcorn bowl from her, pointedly looking at the television screen as he exhaled an explanation all in one breath.

“WeslepttogetheracoupleoftimesandnowIdontknowhowtofeel”

“Come again?” 

Remus sighed. “We slept together a couple of times and now I don’t know how to feel.”

Julie’s eyes went wide. “ _You_ , Remus Lupin, slept with someone and _didn’t_ _tell me about it_???”

Remus choked on the popcorn he’d put in his mouth and Julie chuckled at the reaction while he coughed a bit. 

“All good there, buddy?”

Remus glared at her and took a swig from his water bottle. “I didn’t mean it like _that_ , you know.” 

Julie smirked at him. “Of course I know that. It doesn’t mean I’m letting you get away with not explaining yourself.”

So he did, telling her about everything that had transpired in the last few months—from waking up in Sirius’ bed to breaking up with Matt to Sirius staying with him at the hospital last month. By the time he finished, the television was airing infomercials, and Juliana was yawning, her head propped up by an arm against the sofa top. 

She smiled sleepily at her friend before stretching out slowly on the couch. “Well,” she started, leaning over to lie against Remus’ side and nestle under the blanket they were sharing, “I think you have a crush on him.”

Remus sighed. “I’m 19 years old, I don’t have _crushes_ anymore.”

Julie snorted tiredly from next to him. “That’s not how growing up works, y’know. You’re allowed to like your roommate.” 

There was silence for a few minutes as Remus tried to wrap his head around that concept. Looking down, Remus relaxed into the couch when he saw that his best friend had already fallen asleep. _You’re allowed to like your roommate_ , she had said. Remus wasn’t sure that was the case. Who was he to say that this wasn’t just some misguided thought that would disappear after a week or so? But then he hesitated, because these feelings didn’t start just last month. Sure, his appreciation level for his roommate had certainly peaked somewhere between throwing up on the couch and the hazy memories he had of the hospital room afterwards, but they hadn’t originated there. He let out a sigh and brought his hand down around his friend while he thought it over. 

_Sirius looking rather pathetic in a hospital bed apologizing for inconveniencing him even though he’d just lost his brother. Sirius tilting Remus’ chin up after the fight at the library and furiously asking who had hurt him. Sirius dropping gentle reminders that Remus didn’t need to settle for someone like Matt. Sirius distracting him after a fight with Matt by asking about his childhood and asking with uncharacteristic seriousness whether Remus would be alright or not. Sirius waiting at the hospital when Remus was terrified by the pain in his abdomen and didn’t want to show it, then staying until he was sure that Remus was okay. Sirius holding him tightly and swearing to him that he deserved better than how his past boyfriends had treated him. Sirius_ **_kissing_ ** _him, not once but_ **_twice_** _._

Jesus, he _did_ like Sirius, didn’t he? The thought hit him all at once and he stiffened against Juliana. The girl shifted a bit and Remus’ eyes flew to her figure, hoping she wouldn’t wake and be able to read his recent realization on his face. He _liked_ Sirius. He let the thought wash over him for a moment and took a few deep breaths as he processed it. How long had he felt this way? Could he trace these feelings all the way back to September? Remus closed his eyes and leaned his head against the arm of the couch. _He_ _liked_ _Sirius._ He felt his heart racing and shook his head gently. He liked _Sirius_ , his roommate. And suddenly Remus realized that as much as he liked spending time with Julie, he rather desperately wanted to get back to Sirius. Julie was still asleep, but she looked comfortably situated, and Remus dug around in his pocket for his phone. He had one missed message, from Sirius. 

11:38 PM — “ ** _Didn’t get the chance to see you on the way out, but hope your weekend home goes well. You seemed a bit off this week, so...just wanted to let you know I’m here if you need anything, alright? See you Monday night.”_ **

Remus’ cheeks flushed at the message and he turned off his phone as his heart swelled with appreciation for his roommate. He really _did_ like Sirius, didn’t he? Putting his phone back into his pocket, Remus sighed in contentment and closed his eyes, remembering the last time he fell asleep with someone like this and smiling gently at the thought.

* * *

By the time Lily picked Remus up from the airport, he’d been mulling over the concept of liking Sirius for the last 48 hours. He climbed into her car with a quiet “thanks” but stayed silent once they started driving, despite Lily’s posed questions. 

To his credit, Remus didn’t mean to ignore his friend, he was just distracted. The closer they got to campus, the more he thought about Sirius. Seeing Sirius. Talking to Sirius. Spending the night in the same room as Sirius. Doing all of these things without letting on to Sirius that he had feelings for him. He shivered a bit and shook his head to bring himself out of the anxious spiral he felt himself going down. 

“Rem? You good?”

Remus looked over at his friend and flushed after seeing the worry evident on her face. “Yeah I’m fine,” he said, facing forward again.

Lily didn’t look as if she believed Remus’ response, but she didn’t argue. The two were nearing campus now, just a few turns left before they’d arrive at Remus’ dorm. 

“You’d tell one of us if something was up, right?” Lily offered up quietly. 

Remus looked over again, a curious expression on his face. “Of course I would, Lils. Why do you ask?” 

Lily sighed. “You’ve been quiet all week? You wouldn’t answer any of our questions about why you were going home? You didn’t respond to Sirius’ message checking in on Friday? There’s more than a few things to refer to here.”

Remus blushed sheepishly. “Sorry. There’s been a lot on my mind,” he paused, twisting his fingers around in his lap for a moment before continuing. “I went home for one of my check-ups.” He looked out the window and squinted, clearly not used to talking about the topic. “I, uh, get a bit nervous about them, as you might expect.”

Lily reached across the console to grab one of Remus’ hands and squeeze it. “ _Remus_ , you should’ve _told_ us. We wouldn’t have made a fuss about it if you hadn’t wanted.” She shook her head before sending him an exasperated glance. “You know you’re allowed to let other people support you on this sort of stuff, right?”

Remus didn’t respond and Lily squeezed his hand again. “You should tell Sirius, at least. He’s been worried sick about you for days.”

“But how am I supposed to talk to him when—” Remus broke off and averted his gaze as the two pulled into the lot by his dorm. 

Lily put the car into park and turned to look at him. “When what?” 

Remus shook his head, blanching as his friend furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. Lily spoke a moment later. “Is something else the matter?”

Remus sighed. “Do you swear you won’t tell anyone?” 

Lily nodded emphatically, and Remus huffed and looked at his hands. “I realized when I was home,” he started carefully, “That I may or may not like Sirius.” He looked up nervously at Lily through his eyelashes. 

Lily was silent for a moment, a sweet smile creeping onto her face before she chuckled quietly. “Oh _Remus_.”

Remus looked up curiously. “What?”

“I already _knew_ as much. I suspect everyone did—well, maybe not Sirius, but the rest of us have suspected it for a while now.”

Remus’ cheeks burned furiously. “Oh _God_ , all of you?” 

Lily nodded, smile still on her face. “Well I suppose I understand why you’d feel a bit awkward talking to him at least.” She paused. “It’s still _Sirius_ though. He’s the same dork of a roommate you’ve had since August.”

“Sure, but knowing that the guy prefers dark chocolate to milk and likes to critique historical dramas for fun doesn’t really do me much good here.”

Lily chuckled. “I suppose not,” she said with a sigh. “I just think you underestimate how worried we all were. I mean, the last time you disappeared like this you’d broken up with Matt and the only person who was able to talk to you was Sirius. At least then we didn’t spend a week watching you pull away from all of us—not that this was preferred, _none_ of this is preferred—and worrying that something awful had happened.”

Remus looked over at his friend apologetically. “I didn’t mean to worry you guys, honestly. I was just preoccupied.”

Lily smiled gently. “I know you didn’t. But the rest of them deserve to know that too,” she gestured up at the dorm building. “ _Especially_ Sirius. He deserves that much.”

Remus blushed and let his head drop. “I know that you’re right, I’m just nervous.”

“Oh, come _here_ ,” Lily said softly before pulling him into a seated hug. “You’ll be fine, alright? And if for some godforsaken reason things go poorly, you can come stay with me for a bit, okay?”

“You sure?” Remus asked as he drew back, somewhat doubtful that his friend would let him run away to her place if things didn’t go over well upstairs. 

“Of course, Rem. Now go on, go talk to your fella!” Lily said while pulling out her phone to send a text message. 

“My ‘fella,’ Lils?” Remus chuckled.

Lily scowled and rolled her eyes before responding. “Oh shut up, I was trying something.” 

Remus smirked as he stepped out of the car and grabbed his duffel bag. He looked up at his building, took a deep breath, and walked through the doors.

* * *

Remus trudged up the stairs to his dorm, feeling more nervous with each step that he mounted. He’d been desperately hoping that he wouldn’t have to see more of Sirius than usual this week, at least while he figured things out for himself. Even after Lily’s pep talk in the car, Remus wasn’t sure how he was going to have this conversation with Sirius. 

Especially since he was just starting to come to terms with these feelings he had. How was he supposed to look Sirius in the eye again? He wasn’t ready for this, _any_ of this. God, Remus hoped Sirius wasn’t home yet. Of course, Remus thought as he turned the key in the lock, that was probably wishful thinking—Sirius spent half of his free time in their dorm, and it was Monday afternoon, he likely didn’t have anything better to do. 

Remus walked into the suite and immediately turned his head to the right when he heard music coming from his dorm. Remus froze, hoping that maybe Peter or James had decided to raid the bedroom for the window seat. But then Peter Gabriel’s voice floated out of the room and Remus cursed quietly under his breath. Sirius and he were the only two in their suite who enjoyed music that had come out before they were born. 

Rolling his shoulders back, Remus sighed and walked up to the doorway before pausing. Sirius was home, he’d already gathered as much. Remus hadn’t _quite_ prepared himself for what he saw in the bedroom, however. Sirius was wearing an oversized shirt of Remus’ and his “project jeans”— a pair of pants with rips in the knees and paint stains littered across them that he’d used when building things for their room back in December—and facing away from Remus. His hair was swept up into some sort of messy looking bun on the back of his head, and although Remus couldn’t see exactly what his hands were doing, from the rapidly increasing stack of folded clothes on Sirius’ bed, it appeared he was folding the laundry. 

But he wasn’t _just_ folding the laundry, Remus noticed with a sharp inhale. He was dancing while he did it—pausing every few seconds to shake his hips or make ridiculous pointing motions at one thing or another. Sirius spun around a few times, not noticing his roommate in the doorway, and when Remus saw the unbridled joy on Sirius’ face he felt his heart skip a beat. And then it hit him, the conclusion that he’d been inching towards all weekend suddenly crashing down around him all at once: he didn’t just _like_ Sirius, he _loved_ him. The revelation was so unexpected that Remus’ hand lost its grip on his bag, sending it tumbling to the ground beside him as he blinked in confusion. 

At the sound of something falling in the doorway, Sirius whipped around and a grin spread across his face when he saw his roommate standing there. “Moon Boy! You’re back!”

Remus tried to smile back, but he was so unnerved by the earth-shattering realization he’d just had that he was only able to manage a weak grimace. The smile slipped off of Sirius’ face instantly and he moved towards his roommate. “What’s wrong?”

“Lily told me to talk to you because you were worried but I didn’t know that and I’m really sorry I just don’t normally have people to talk to about this and I was nervous and I didn’t want to tell anyone and—” Remus stumbled his way through an explanation before Sirius stopped him by grabbing his upper arms gently. 

“Hey hey calm down, just...Breathe. Take a second and think about what you want to say, but...Calm down a bit. There’s no rush here, it’s just me, Moon Boy.” Sirius said as he looked up at Remus with a sweet smile. 

“That’s the _problem_ ,” Remus whispered under his breath before glancing down at Sirius’ hands on his arms, and then back up to Sirius’ face looking earnestly up at him. He blurted it out. 

“I went home this weekend for one of my check-ups.”

Sirius’ smile faded and a look of concern immediately came over his features. “Oh my _God_ , Remus are you okay?”

A shaky smile appeared on Remus’ face and he shook his head gently. “The test results haven’t come back yet, and I’m sure everything is fine—I mean, I’ve been feeling perfectly fine, you know? But it’s been about two years since the last time it came back and _God_ , Sirius, I don’t want to go through all of that again,” Remus said, and then widened his eyes. He hadn’t meant to say so much, but when he looked at Sirius it was as if he couldn’t stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

Sirius observed his roommate carefully for a moment, before stepping even closer and moving his arms to pull Remus into a proper hug. “You could’ve told me, you know. You’d have gotten some of this out of your system earlier. You didn’t need to hold on to this all by yourself like this.”

Remus nodded silently and Sirius rubbed his friend’s back for a few moments until he noticed a wetness on his shoulder. He looked up to see that Remus was crying and felt his heart clench painfully. So he stayed there, holding his friend tightly until he felt Remus’ breathing calm down a bit. He looked up to see Remus with a sheepish expression on his face and suddenly knew the words that were about to come out of his friend’s mouth.

“I’m sorry, Sirius. I didn’t mean to—” Remus started, but Sirius cut him off. 

“You’ve got _nothing_ to be sorry for, do you hear me? You’re going through something stressful and it’s bringing back traumatic memories. I’d be concerned if you _weren’t_ upset about all this.” 

Remus smiled weakly and Sirius squeezed his frame one more time before walking towards his phone and pressing shuffle a few times before a song came on that had his approval. A familiar piano introductioncame on, and Sirius turned back towards Remus and started moving his shoulders to the beat. Remus raised an eyebrow in confusion, but Sirius offered no explanation, he just kept swaying his shoulders, and then began bobbing his head in time to the song. 

Sirius walked back up to the doorway and grabbed Remus’ hand. “C’mon Moon Boy, remember what you told me last semester? What’s done is done, you’re not going to gain anything by worrying about it. So come and do a stupid dance with me to relax a little bit, and then we’ll go grab ice cream together at the dining hall, okay?”

Remus gave him a skeptical look and Sirius rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Alright _fine_ , we can walk to the convenience store and pick up chocolate bars.”

Remus quirked a smile and let Sirius drag him into the middle of their room to dance along. He tried to relax a bit, he really did, but Sirius wouldn’t let go of him, and Remus felt a curious sensation in his stomach every time he looked down to see their hands still touching. Then Sirius started to speed up, twisting and twirling and moving so quickly that Remus had no choice but to keep up or be flung across the room. They continued at that pace until the song ended, Sirius stepping back slightly from Remus and looking up at him hopefully. Remus was panting a little, but a smile was present on his face—the crooked one that he saved for late nights watching stupid movies with Sirius, and laughing until their sides hurt. 

The song changed, and Sirius’ mouth formed a small “oh'' as he looked behind him at the phone. He turned back to face Remus and pulled his roommate towards him, causing the taller boy to stumble into Sirius’ chest. Remus looked down in surprise as Sirius wound an arm around his waist and began moving the two of them in a small circle. 

“Sirius?” Remus whispered, wondering why his roommate decided to keep dancing. Sirius didn’t respond right away, instead lazily guiding their sways around the room as Phil Collins’ voice echoed around them before letting out a quiet “shh”. Remus felt his heart rate begin to calm down as the song progressed, and he looked down at his roommate, whose eyes were closed and whose head leaned gently against Remus’ chest. Remus’ heart did a funny sort of leap, and before he could mentally convince himself otherwise, Remus began moving his head down to lean against Sirius. 

Except Sirius had other ideas.

He’d looked up at just the wrong moment, it would seem, because he caught Remus’ head moving towards his. They’d done this song and dance before, Sirius realized, the forehead kisses, the holding each other in bed, the tight embraces while the other was crying. It was time for something _different_. So when he saw Remus’ head tilting down to kiss his forehead, Sirius shifted slightly so their lips would meet instead. 

It was brilliant, for a few moments. Remus’ lips were soft and gentle under his own, and Sirius could’ve sworn he felt his roommate smile as they kissed. But then it was over, as quickly as it began. 

_What just happened?_

Remus wasn’t sure if he’d dreamt the last thirty seconds, or if he’d finally lost it. There was no way Sirius had actually just _kissed_ him. Sirius didn’t see him that way, they were just _friends_ , he had no reason to have done something like that. No, he decided, Sirius couldn’t have meant that. It just wasn’t possible. It _couldn’t_ be possible. Sirius was just playing with his emotions or something. The thought struck him and Remus physically recoiled. He didn’t _want_ to believe that Sirius would do something like that, but his roommate was one of the most impulsive people he’d ever met, so he wasn’t entirely sure he could rule it out. He backed away, his chest a tangle of emotions that he didn’t know what to do with. 

Sirius felt Remus freeze and pull away, paling slightly and shaking his head. He looked down at Sirius and immediately recoiled at the shocked look on his roommate’s face. Remus backed away slowly, quietly murmuring “no, can’t be” over and over as he grabbed his bag from its place on the floor and walked out of their dorm. Sirius stood in the center of the room in shock, his feet glued to the floor as he watched the boy he loved walk out without a second glance. 

_What just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE DID IT GUYS WE FINALLY MADE IT TO A KISS...Although maybe not the way we would've wanted.
> 
> I promise that resolves itself in the next chapter (she says as she hasn't started writing chapter 10 yet), and I think you're going to like it!
> 
> Anyhow, ONE CHAPTER LEFT, are we psyched? I am (but maybe that's because this is the longest fic I've ever started AND finished writing hahaha), and I hope you are too!
> 
> An added bonus, the songs I was thinking of for this chapter are as follows:  
> \- In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel  
> \- Don't Stop Believing, Journey  
> \- Can't Stop Loving You, Phil Collins  
> (Yes, we love Genesis in this house; No, I won't apologize for it.)
> 
> As a reminder, my classes started back up, so there *may* be a slightly longer delay in the last chapter as I wasn't able to finish it before the semester started.
> 
> Happy Reading!


	10. He Capers, He Dances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus and Sirius have Feelings™ and James and Lily go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's later than I'd hoped, but it's HERE.
> 
> And wickedly devious too! I'd say I'm sorry for that but...I'm definitely not. 
> 
> I'm very very excited to hear what you have to say about this bit—especially James and Lily, since they play a rather large part in the plot of this chapter :)
> 
> As usual, I've updated the warnings, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Brief mentions of cancer, mentions of abusive relationship, mentions of anxiety, mentions of alcohol/drinking, some foul language.

_“He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May.”_

_The Merry Wives of Windsor_ _,_ Act III, Scene II, Line 71

**— May 4th —**

* * *

Sirius hadn’t seen Remus in five days. 

Since they’d kissed, he’d stayed up late every night to see if his roommate would try to slip into their dorm unnoticed, but Remus never showed. Sirius found himself staring at the books on his roommate’s shelf hoping to discover that one of their positions would change, but they stayed the same, gathering dust on the ledge where Sirius sure as _hell_ wasn’t about to touch them. 

On Wednesday morning, a pillow was accidentally knocked off of Remus’ bed and hastily replaced on Sirius’ way to class. When he returned, the pillow was back in its place and Sirius realized with a flush and a few muttered curses that Remus had stopped by during the day. He’d sent a text that night asking if Remus was coming back to the dorm, but got no response. He tried again the next night. Nothing.

He started to seriously worry when Friday came and he’d seen no signs of life from his roommate. He sent a longer message this time, _“I think you’re probably angry with me but can you at least tell me you’re alright?”_ only to receive an error message and feel his heart sink. 

**SERVICE ERROR 409: THE SUBSCRIBER YOU ARE TRYING TO REACH HAS BLOCKED INCOMING TEXT MESSAGES FROM THIS NUMBER.**

_“James!_ I need your help!” Sirius shouted. When James burst through the door with a towel tied around his waist, Sirius shot an apologetic look his way before shoving the phone into his hands and stepping back nervously. 

“What does this mean?” he demanded as James wiped the fog from his glasses and brought the phone closer to his face. 

“I’d think it’s pretty clear what it means,” James said, glancing up slightly to observe Sirius’ reaction. His friend was flustered, that much was obvious. Sirius was pacing the length of the dorm, cracking his knuckles subconsciously as he muttered to himself.

“What I don’t understand is _why_ he’s angry,” Sirius said when he got to the edge of the beds. “I just...” he fumbled over the words, “I didn’t do anything _wrong?_ All I did was kiss him,” James’ eyebrows shot up as Sirius continued, “and Lily _told_ me that he liked me and he’s kissed me _before_ so I just don’t get what I did _wrong.”_ By the time Sirius finished, he was back in front of James again, and had flung himself dramatically into his desk chair. 

James looked over at his friend skeptically. “Let me put on some real clothes and then we can talk about this,” James said with a sigh as he tossed the phone back over to Sirius and turned to leave. “And _don’t_ send him another message while I’m gone, alright?”

Sirius nodded silently and James walked out, shaking his head. While he waited, Sirius glanced around the room anxiously. He really _didn’t_ understand what had happened to make Remus walk out. Everything he’d weighed up until that moment had pointed to Remus liking him. They’d spent too much time together, Remus had dropped too many _signs,_ for that _not_ to be the case. So why did he run away? What was Sirius missing?

James came back in, his still-damp hair getting messier as he tousled it absentmindedly while walking. “Alright, let’s think this through. Start with Monday night. What happened? You never actually told any of us.” James shot Sirius an expectant look as he sat down in Remus’ desk chair and rested his ankle on his knee. 

Sirius’ cheeks reddened considerably and he stared pointedly at his hands when he responded. “Remus came back early, while I was folding my laundry. I didn’t see him at first, I had music on and was folding things on the window seat, so I didn’t hear him come in. But then he dropped his bag and I saw him and was so excited that he was back, but he wasn’t—” Sirius struggled to find a way to describe how his roommate had looked in the doorway that night. 

“He looked really _scared,_ and I didn’t know how to react to him being like that at first. But eventually we got around to talking and he told me that he’d gone home for a checkup appointment, and that he was coming up on another two year checkpoint, and that he was worried it was going to come back and,” Sirius paused to catch his breath, his hands fiddling with each other again. 

“So I hugged him, and we talked about it a little bit more and then,” Sirius swallowed, “then we started dancing because I thought it would cheer him up a bit—and it _did,_ I _know_ it did, I saw it—but after the first song ended a slow song came on and he still looked nervous so I figured I might as well hug him again, but the music was still going so it ended up being more like a sway to the beat—” Sirius’ tone had become more rushed as he continued, and James paused him by extending a hand towards his friend.

“Not to interrupt you, but I’ve yet to hear you say something that would make Remus boycott the suite for a week, is that coming up?”

“I was _getting_ there, thanks.” Sirius shot back, and James raised his hands up innocently. 

“I’m trying to help you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sirius admitted, before resuming his narrative in a halting fashion. “It’s just—I looked up and saw him leaning down and thought ‘oh, he’s going to kiss my head again’ and I—”

“Hold up, _again?”_

Sirius blushed furiously. “He’s done it at least once when he thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. I mean, to be fair, I’ve done the same with him, but...I don’t know. It was always nice and sweet, but...Lily _told_ me that he liked me, and I thought maybe it was time to stop tiptoeing around that. So I leaned up when he leaned down, and we kissed, properly and all.”

James’ expression, which had remained at ‘suitably shocked’ since Sirius had started talking again, suddenly darkened to ‘concerned and upset’ and Sirius hesitated before finishing his story. 

“It was fine for a few seconds, but then he pulled away suddenly and started backing up and mumbled that something ‘couldn’t be’ before grabbing his bag and walking out. And you know about as much as I do from there, I haven’t seen him since.” Sirius sighed before looking up at James nervously, his right hand methodically spinning a ring on his left in an anxious fashion. “I just...I don’t know how to fix this, and I miss him and I don’t know what I did wrong and—”

“Alright, calm down. First things first, you’re going to give him some time, okay? He clearly needs some space right now, and you’re going to respect that.” James paused. “Second, and I swear I mean this in the most respectful way but...what the _fuck_ were you thinking?”

Sirius balked at his friend’s tone of voice and hesitated before responding. “What—What do you mean?”

“Sirius, we _all_ know that he just got out of what would probably be considered an abusive relationship. From your own description, you didn’t explain yourself or give any notice—he’s bound to be a bit uneasy about someone just kissing him like that.”

“I...Didn’t think about that,” Sirius said quietly. 

“Clearly,” James retorted, and Sirius scowled at him before blushing again. 

“I just...I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t think it was _that_ terrible of an idea.”

“But did you ask _him_ if _he_ wanted that?”

“...No.”

James rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in frustration. _“Honestly,_ Sirius, you should’ve thought some of this through. Remus isn’t as impulsive as you are. He’s careful and deliberate about _everything_ and you just took all of the preparation and consideration out of his hands. You probably scared the shit out of him,” he said with a slight glare. “Either that, or he thinks you’re playing with his emotions.”

Sirius’ face had paled dramatically as James spoke, and he was now pressing his face firmly in his hands. “Oh my God. Oh my _God. James._ Oh my _God.”_

“See, you’re saying words. But the words that you’re saying aren’t _telling_ me anything.”

“I was—Remus hadn’t—He—I—”

“Whenever you’re ready.”

Sirius didn’t even bother to glare at his friend for the sarcasm, instead looking up at him with wide eyes, seemingly terrified of what he had just realized. “James, he’d _never been kissed before.”_

_“What?”_

“We talked about it after he and Matt broke up, it was one of the things Matt was angry with him about.”

“So let me get this straight. Not only did you give Remus his first kiss, but you did so without asking him if he wanted it _and_ without telling him how you actually feel about him?”

Sirius nodded, suddenly feeling sick to his stomach. “No wonder he ran out. _Jesus,_ I fucked up, James,” he whispered, a defeated look on his face.

James frowned, then stood up and walked over to his friend to squeeze his shoulder. “A little. But Remus means a lot to you, and we all know that you mean a lot to him,” Sirius looked up hopefully at that, “so I think you’ll be able to fix things, eventually.”

Sirius groaned quietly and James looked down at him with a sympathetic expression. “It’ll work out, man. Just give it some time.”

Sirius sunk back into his chair as James walked towards the door. He paused before leaving and turned to face Sirius. 

“You still on for tomorrow?” 

Sirius nodded slowly, a grimace still firmly fixed on his face. 

“It’ll be good for you to get out, you know. I’m glad you’re coming.”

“Yeah yeah, no need to try and cheer me up. Get out of here and get ready for your date with Evans, alright? Send her my love and all that,” Sirius said as he waved James out of the room and dropped his head back into his hands. 

_How was he going to fix this?_

* * *

Lily rolled her eyes as Remus sighed for what must’ve been the tenth time since she’d sat down at her desk to put makeup on. 

“How am I supposed to show my face in the dorm again?” he complained from her bed, hands over his face in embarrassment. 

“I don’t know,” Lily said dryly, “maybe by...talking to your roommate?”

“But I _can’t_ do that!”

“Can’t and won’t are two different words, Remus,” the girl retorted gently as she brushed mascara onto her eyelashes and blinked a few times. 

“That’s not fair! He’s playing with my emotions and you expect me to just go back and share a _room_ with him?” 

Lily spun around in her seat in frustration to look at her friend. “First off, I’ve told you at _least_ five times that I don’t believe in the _slightest_ that he’s playing with your emotions,” she said shrewdly, before softening her gaze as he tilted his head towards her. “Second, you’re going to have to go back sometime, you know. I love you and all, but you can’t stay here forever.”

A pained expression came over Remus’ face and he sighed before flopping dramatically onto Lily’s bed. Lily looked over at her friend, who’d been sleeping on the futon in her room for the last four days, and relented with a quiet sigh. 

“Alright, _fine._ Why do you think he’s playing with your emotions?”

Remus turned his head to give her an appraising look before speaking. “Because when I was dating Matt he would do things like that—he’d take a sweet moment and manipulate it into something that was domineering and intimidating.”

Lily sent a sympathetic look towards her friend. “But that was _Matt,_ not Sirius. It’s not fair to expect everyone to behave the way that Matt did.” Lily said kindly. 

Remus flushed and then continued darkly. “It’s not _just_ that, y’know.” Lily raised an eyebrow, and he continued. “Sirius knows about everything that I was afraid of when it came to getting into another relationship. We _talked_ about it, I _cried_ about it in front of him. He knew what all of my insecurities were about it and just...steamrolled right over them.”

“Not to make you unpack those with me, but—” Lily paused as Remus sent her a skeptical look, and turned back to her desk mirror with an eye roll. “Oh _honestly,_ Rem, you _know_ I wouldn’t make you share those if you didn’t want to. But did he really steamroll over _all_ of them, or did he just catch you unawares?”

Remus opened his mouth and then snapped it shut as he thought. He was silent for a minute. “I wasn't expecting it,” he stated, before dropping his voice down to a whisper, “I've never been kissed before.”

Lily looked up in surprise before schooling her expression as she turned back to face Remus. His eyes were shut, and Lily saw that his hand had drifted up to his hair where it was rubbing small circles onto his scalp. Her heart clenched a little when she realized how unsettled this interaction had made him, so she spoke again, trying to use logic to ease some of his concern. “Alright, I agree that doing that _wasn’t_ fair to you, but do you really think he was being malicious?”

Remus sighed. “It’s not that it was malicious, it’s just—I don’t—He couldn’t—” Remus swallowed and started again. “He doesn’t feel that way about me, I’m _sure_ of it.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “But I already _told_ you that he does!”

Remus groaned quietly. “I don’t mean to call your credibility into question, Lily, but...forgive me if I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?”

Remus lifted his head off the comforter to look at Lily with a confused expression. “Sorry?”

“Why don’t you believe me? I’d like to hear this explanation, if you don’t mind.”

A blush spread across Remus’ cheeks as he propped himself up onto his elbows to look in Lily’s general direction while avoiding eye contact. “Because he’s not into guys like me, he’s cool and collected and rebellious and I’m just...Remus Lupin, Human Disaster and Genetic Defect, you know?” 

Something sailed past Remus’ ear and he looked up to see Lily staring at him in shock, her headband now lost somewhere behind his shoulder. “Don’t you _ever_ call yourself that. _Ever._ I don’t care how shitty you feel, you’re not some defect, Remus, you’re our _friend.”_

Remus ducked his head sheepishly. “I know _that,_ it’s just...I’m not exactly wrong, am I? I’ve been sick or in treatment or remission for over half my life, it’s just a part of my identity now. I mean, I barely know what ‘normal’ really is, you know? Why would Sirius want someone like me,” he coughed, unsubtly, to cover the word that had slipped out, “like _that,_ when he could have anyone else?”

“Sirius doesn’t _care,_ Remus. Don’t you get it? I mean, he’s concerned about you when you’re sick like you were in March, sure. But he doesn’t see you as some fragile piece of china that he’s afraid to interact with for fear of breaking you. You’re ‘Remus Lupin, who is a damn bit braver than most people he knows for having battled cancer,’ to him, not ‘That kid who had cancer, Remus’. What you went through…” she trailed off. “It’s shit, none of us are denying that. But it doesn’t define who you are, or make you any less worthy of being loved by someone. We all know that—Sirius _especially._ He likes you because you’re a good person, and you’re kind, and you love him _well._ That’s all there is to it.”

Remus’ face had turned a rather endearing shade of pink as Lily talked, and she sat down next to him on the bed, placing her hand on his knee and squeezing gently. “And as for being a ‘cool’ guy, you came back to see the kid dancing around your dorm like a lunatic, so...I think you’re safe there.”

Remus chuckled softly at the memory. “Hey, it was pretty cute, okay?”

Lily rolled her eyes and tousled Remus’ hair affectionately before hopping off of the bed to finish getting ready. “Just...think about it, okay? I really don’t think he meant anything as poorly as you’ve taken it,” she spun around quickly. “Which isn’t to say that I think you’re overreacting,” she reassured him, “just that I don’t think he had any ill-intent.”

Remus sighed and brought his hand up to fix the mess that Lily made of his hair before changing the subject. “So. James Potter, huh?”

Lily’s face reddened in embarrassment. “Oh do _shut up,_ you jerk,” she said with a small smile. “It’s our third date, it’s not like I’ve accepted a marriage proposal.”

Remus chuckled. “You might as well have,” he muttered under his breath, but plastered a cheery smile on his face when Lily shot him a suspicious look. “You look great, he’ll love it. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure you could show up in sweatpants and a running shirt and he’d say you rivaled Venus or something equally as nauseating,” Remus mock-gagged, and Lily giggled. 

“Speaking of attire,” she said as she twisted her lipstick container, “what did you end up grabbing from your room for tomorrow?” 

Remus groaned. “You’re still set on me accompanying you? Even though James will be there and you could just...go together?”

Lily smirked at him. “Of course, gotta let the boy know I’m not _that_ easily won.” 

Remus rolled his eyes. “You refused to go on a date with him for _eight months,_ Lily. I think he’s well aware.”

“A girl can never be too sure,” she stated carefully as she applied the color to her lips. “And anyhow, I wanted you to come with me, you’re one of my best friends.”

“If I rescind your best friend status, does that mean I don’t have to go?” Remus quipped, and Lily glared at him mischievously. 

“No. But it _would_ mean that I’d kick you out of _my_ dorm and send you back to _yours,_ so…”

Remus shot up suddenly, making frantic hand motions. “Nevermind, nevermind, best friend status firmly secured!”

Lily tilted her head back to laugh as Remus pouted on her bed. “So about that outfit?”

“Well, you said I couldn’t wear jeans so I’ve got these,” Remus jumped off the bed to pull a pair of cuffed chino pants out of his bag. “They’re a bit tight, but I was planning on leaning into the philosophy student vibe by putting an oversized sweater with it.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I say formal wear and you give me ‘philosophy student vibes’? C’mon Rem, you’ve got to have _something_ better than that.” 

“I mean, I’ve got a blazer, but I didn’t grab it and—”

“What about this?” Lily said as she held up Remus’ favorite sweater, the one that he saved for Christmas pictures and family parties. “You like this one, don’t you?”

Remus nodded. “But that’s not exactly _formal,_ is it?” 

“Eh, throw a button down shirt under it and you’re good to go,” Lily offered up, winding her hair into a ponytail with a hair elastic. 

Remus groaned, and Lily narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s one night, you’ll manage. It’s not like I’m asking you to wear a suit or something. Although maybe next time…” she trailed off, a teasing grin on her face as Remus shook his head frantically. “Well calm _down_ then. And don’t even think about standing me up tomorrow, because then I really _will_ kick you out of my dorm.” 

Remus sighed. “I would never have stood you up, Lily, I just don’t like parties.”

Lily looked at him gratefully and walked over to squeeze his shoulder. “I know you don’t. That’s why I’m thrilled you said you’d come with me. It means a lot,” she said with a smile before dropping a kiss on his cheek and walking to the door. 

“Don’t wait up for me!” she said with a wink and Remus rolled his eyes. 

“Use protection, you lovebirds!” Remus retorted back, smirking when his commentary got a middle-fingered salute and a glare from his friend. Now all he had to worry about was tomorrow. 

_How was he going to do this?_

* * *

Lily smoothed her skirt nervously as she sat down across from James. He had a rather endearing look of awe on his face, as if he was shocked that he’d been able to get her to go on a date with him at all, and Lily’s cheeks flushed at the idea that she was the reason for such a reaction. She glanced around the pizza place for a minute before turning back to face James and deciding on a topic of conversation.

“How’s Sirius doing?” 

James’ face immediately fell, and Lily moved to apologize but James shook his head. 

“There’s nothing you can do about it, he’s just...miserable. I haven’t seen him like this all year. I mean, the last time he was this full of anxious energy—at least with me—his brother had died.”

“That sounds...awful.”

James sighed heavily. “It is. You know how Sirius is—he’s supposed to be,” James motioned vaguely in the air, “lively and funny and rebellious. _That’s_ where the anxious energy is supposed to go, not pacing and obsessively picking apart every aspect of their interaction from Monday.”

Lily groaned. “I’ll give you the pacing bit, but he couldn’t _possibly_ be worse than Remus has been about that _stupid_ dance session,” Lily said with an exasperated eye roll. 

“It’ll start out tame, too. That’s what makes it so frustrating. ‘Lily, do you think Sirius likes me?’ and I’ll say yes, of _course,”_ she looked over at James pointedly, who nodded. 

“But then suddenly we’re back at ‘But why would he ever love _me_ like _that?”_ and—” she threw her hands up in frustration, “how am I supposed to answer that beyond reassuring him that Sirius _does,_ in fact, like him?” She leaned her chin on her palm and huffed dramatically. 

“I love the kid, but my descriptions of things Sirius likely loves about Remus are quickly turning into a poorly thrown together list of compliments, which is _clearly_ not doing the trick.” She said with a pointed glare at her drink, and James’ mouth tugged into a smile as he watched her.

“For what it’s worth, Sirius only _just_ realized yesterday that Remus might’ve been uncomfortable with someone kissing him without asking, so...it sounds like both of them are being idiots about all of this.”

Lily slumped down into her chair and put her head in her hands gently. “Oh don’t get me _started_ on the kiss. Remus wasn’t even mad about it after a while, just...confused?” She sat back up and stared James down, an amused smirk on her face.

“Personally,” she started, “and I swear, if you breathe a _word_ of this to Remus, I’ll end you—I think Remus liked it.” James raised an eyebrow. “Or at least, I think he might’ve wanted to kiss Sirius too. He’s just always been shy about that sort of thing.”

“I’d believe that. Still don’t think Sirius should’ve done it, though. He should’ve known better than to do something like that without getting consent.”

Lily sent him a pleased look before nodding in agreement. “Honestly, all they needed was to _talk_ to each other. But Sirius is all action, no forethought—” she started

“And Remus is all forethought, no action,” James finished with a chuckle. “You don’t suppose we could force them to talk, could we? Would that be crossing some sort of friend boundary line?”

The pizza arrived as Lily was about to answer, and they tabled the discussion for a few minutes to eat. When they’d each made their way through enough food that their stomachs had stopped growling, Lily bit her lip and considered the question again. 

“If either of them were _angry,”_ she started thoughtfully, “I’d nix it immediately. But the thing is...I can’t speak for Sirius, but Remus isn’t angry, I don’t think. He seems more,” she paused to search for the right words. “Thrown off by the idea of being liked by someone at all, let alone that the someone in question could be Sirius. But I know he misses being around Sirius, even though he’s trying to pretend he doesn’t, so I’d assume he’s a bit conflicted there too.” 

James chuckled. “Sounds like a classic Remus reaction to things, really.” He sighed heavily. “Sirius is miserably sad, but he’s not angry either. I mean, he freaked out when he realized what he’d done in kissing Remus, so I think he’s more worried about never getting to be friends with Remus again after that than anything else,” James broke off suddenly, looking up at Lily with a mildly concerned look on his face. “Did you know Remus blocked his number?”

Lily’s eyes narrowed. “He told me he _wouldn’t,_ that _ass!”_

James raised an eyebrow at her outburst. “I’ll take that as a no, then?”

“He told me that Sirius was texting every night and it was stressing him out, so I told him that he had three options: mute them, ignore them, or respond to them. And he said...God, how did he put it? ‘Or I could just block him, couldn’t I? That’d do the trick, wouldn’t it?’” Lily made exaggerated air quotes as she recounted Remus’ proposal. “Obviously, I told him that was a terrible idea, but I see he didn’t listen to me.” She scowled. 

James held back a laugh at her obvious frustration. “Stubborn one, isn’t he?”

“You have _no_ idea. It took blackmailing him by saying he couldn’t keep staying with me to get him to agree to come to the social tomorrow,” she giggled softly. 

James joined her for a moment before stopping abruptly and sitting straight up in his seat. “Hold on, you’re bringing Remus tomorrow? You only told me that you were bringing a friend as your date,” James said, a curious expression coming onto his face. 

Lily wasn’t quite sure if the boy across from her was irritated or concerned, so she smiled softly as she responded. “James, are you _jealous?”_

“No no, it’s not _that._ We had to put down our dates’ names ages ago, I don’t care that you’re bringing Remus. I mean—I do, but...it’s just,” he flushed a little, and ran a hand absentmindedly through his hair before chuckling nervously, “I invited Sirius to be _my_ date, so...they’re both going to be there. Do you think they know?”

Lily shook her head, “There’s _no way_ Remus would’ve agreed if he knew Sirius was going. C’mon James, the kid is living out of my dorm to avoid him,” a playful grin crept onto her face as she thought through the repercussions of the roommates being in the same room again. “But how serious were you being about us forcing them to talk? Because I think I may have an idea, if you’re willing to go along with it.”

“Depends on what this idea entails,” James said, his brows furrowed as he looked on, intrigued. 

“I mean for _starters,_ it involves you taking me home to my place because you’re worried about me getting home safely and then _conveniently_ staying the night, so…” she trailed off with a smirk as James’ face flushed. “Do with that information what you will.”

James swallowed and willed his face to return to its normal coloring. “Was that—did I just get _propositioned?”_

“You tell me,” Lily said with a wink, and James was suddenly more sure than ever that he loved her—even as his voice broke with a prepubescent squeak when he responded. 

“Alright then, tell me more.” 

* * *

Lily was drunk, and Remus wasn’t amused in the slightest. When he’d showed up at her place an hour and a half before the social started, he’d expected to be asked to help her get ready or something. Instead, he’d been the referee for Lily and her roommates as they and their dates cycled through a variety of drinking games to pregame the event. He’d sighed and agreed at the time, all the while wondering where this side of Lily had come from, but too polite to comment on it. So he’d watched her having fun with her friends, pausing to hold up his ceremonial glass of sparkling cider when prompted and occasionally asking Lily how she felt—he didn’t want to be an irresponsible friend, after all, just one slightly more removed from the drinking and shouting and dancing. 

But then they’d arrived at the social, and Remus was reminded of exactly why he didn’t enjoy events like this. For starters, he looked as if he might be the only sober person present, which was never a good starting point for having a nice evening. But then there was the noisiness, and the painfully bright lights flashing in time to the music, and the crowd of people who seemed to be either making out or about to do so, at least as far as Remus could tell from their dancing. Not quite his idea of a night well spent, but he’d made a promise, so he soldiered on through the door after Lily. 

Remus pulled at the cuffs of the shirt under his sweater as they walked. Accompanying Lily was...tolerable, he supposed, but he wished that he was wearing something a little more comfortable. As they walked in, Remus thought about how he’d be able to wear all of the cardigans and soft shirts that he wanted next week before taking a deep breath and following Lily. Some sort of dance music was playing on the overhead speakers, and Remus winced a little as the volume of the noise increased as Lily grabbed his wrist and guided him through the crowd. 

“Do we have somewhere to go?” Remus whispered into Lily’s ear when the two were blocked by a couple making out in the doorway to the adjoining room. She turned around and grinned at him, and Remus caught a glimpse of ‘Lily Evans, Heartbreaker’ for a minute and smiled softly.

“I have someone I want you to meet, silly!” she said with a giggle, and Remus shook his head with an amused expression. 

“You better not be so drunk that you’re taking me to meet my own suitemate, Lily,” Remus said accusingly, but a smile played on his lips as Lily just wiggled her eyebrows and dragged him further into the second room. 

A few minutes later, he was standing in front of a girl who looked vaguely familiar to him. He couldn’t quite place her, but he felt like they might have met before, and a bemused expression rested on his face until she spoke. 

“Uh, hi. Remus, is it? I’m Alice—we were in Astronomy 101 together last semester, I think?” the girl said a bit nervously, and suddenly Remus remembered a fashionable woman sitting a few rows ahead of him in their lecture hall and smiled slightly. 

“Sorry, I’m awful with names,” he offered up sheepishly. “Nice to properly meet you, Alice.” 

Lily interrupted. “Alice is in a _writer’s circle,_ Rem, I think you should join,” she said eagerly, bobbing her head up and down in excitement at the idea.

Remus blushed furiously and began stammering out a response. “Lily, you can’t just—that’s not how those types of organizations work,” he started, glancing apologetically over at Alice, who was looking at the two in amusement. “You normally need to be _asked_ to join, you don’t just waltz in and declare yourself a part of it.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh whatever, Remus, you’re basically the _Next Great American Novelist,_ they’d be lucky to have you,” she said with a slight pout, and Remus shook his head. Alice, who had apparently decided not to bother with trying to hide her reaction, was now shaking gently with laughter, and Remus muttered a few curse words under his breath.

“I’m so sorry, Alice, I think she’s a bit more tipsy than she meant to be,” Remus stated awkwardly, a painfully obvious blush spreading across his cheeks. Lily was now leaning heavily against his side, and Remus was beginning to think she’d lied about how high her alcohol tolerance was. 

“I can see that,” Alice said with a smirk. “There are some tables over that way if you two want to sit down,” she gestured towards the back corner of the room and Remus smiled gratefully. 

“That might be a good plan, thanks. Sorry for, uh, being introduced this way. Maybe I’ll see you next semester...not in a club?”

Alice laughed lightly. “No worries, everybody has one night of drunken nonsense their freshman year—this is pretty tame, to be honest,” she said with a gentle smile. “But for what it’s worth, Lily sent me some of your stuff,” she started, and Remus blushed furiously at the idea of someone reading his writing without his knowledge. 

“It’s great. We’d love to have you next semester, if you were interested.” 

Remus froze. “You’d—Sorry, _what?”_

Alice chuckled. “Just think about it, alright? No pressure. But your writing was damn good, it would be a crime for us to _not_ offer you a spot.”

“I’ll, uh...Wow, I...Thank you?” Remus managed to get out, his face reddening more than it had before. He felt a sharp tug at his sleeve and discovered that Lily had decided to try and get his attention so they could go sit. 

“I need to get her some water, but...I’ll think about it, yeah?” 

Alice nodded before waving goodbye and walking over to a group of her friends. 

“Alright, come on Lily, let’s get moving,” Remus said gently to his friend, who was lazily tracing patterns onto his forearm and then giggling up at him. Helping her over to a table, he spotted James and waved him over to the seat next to Lily. 

“I see my girlfriend is having a lovely night,” James said with a small smirk. “Were you the one who got her this drunk, or…” he trailed off as Remus put his hands up in surrender. 

“Excuse you, I am in _no way_ responsible for this,” Remus gestured at Lily, who’d rested her arms on the table and laid her head down upon them. “I don’t drink, remember?”

“Mm, convenient excuse,” James said, but he was smiling as he sat down next to Lily and started stroking her head affectionately. “Could you grab some water? I’ll stay here and keep an eye on this one, if you’re alright with that.”

Remus nodded and turned to locate the bar area. The venue the organization had chosen wasn’t particularly large, but for some reason he seemed incapable of finding the corner where drinks were being served. He made his way to the room he’d first entered when he arrived and spotted a bartender waving off a clearly inebriated girl in the corner. Making his way through the throng of people dancing and talking, Remus arrived at the counter and asked for three waters. The bartender grinned, happy to have been distracted from the girl who was pouting at the other end of the bar. A moment later, three glasses were placed in front of him with a wink, and Remus blushed as he turned around. He’d made it ten steps from the bar when someone bumped into him harshly, sending the drinks crashing to the floor and water spilling all over him. 

“God, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was—” 

“Sirius?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes, I'm leaving you on a cliffhanger; Yes, I'm extending this to 11 chapters; Yes, you're allowed to have Feelings™ about that.)


	11. Never Doubt I Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus and Sirius finally talk, and Hope Lupin is a badass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh this chapter HURT to write. Not even because it's angsty or anything, I just had FEELINGS about everything happening in this. I kind of looked at it in three sections that went from bittersweet to cute and then to soft as HECK. 
> 
> I hope that paid off—but even if it doesn't...I melted writing the end bit, so it worked for me at least 😂.
> 
> As usual, I've updated the warnings, but if I missed something here, let me know.
> 
> Standard Disclaimer: While I firmly believe that the literary stylings of the Harry Potter fandom do, in fact, belong to the fans, these characters aren't mine.
> 
> Warnings: Brief mentions of abusive relationship, mentions of anxiety, some foul language.

_“Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar; but never doubt I love.”_

_Hamlet,_ Act II, scene II, Lines 115-118

— **May 4th** —

* * *

Sirius glanced up at the young man that he’d bumped into. 

Remus Lupin.

His roommate. 

Who he hadn’t seen in five days. 

Sirius looked Remus over. His outfit, while formal _enough_ for the occasion, was clearly a Lily-Evans-inspired version of Remus’ usual sweater and cuffed jeans attire. The dark blue stain on his sweater from the water Sirius had spilled appeared to have grown, but Remus paid it no attention, instead fiddling with the cuffs of his button down. _Nervous, then._ Sirius’ heart clenched a bit when his gaze reached Remus’ face and he noticed the smudges beneath his eyes. _Had he not been sleeping?_ Sirius’ eyes darted down to Remus’ pale cheeks and determined that his roommate hadn’t been drinking, before remembering that Remus _couldn’t_ drink and wanting to smack himself upside the head. He subconsciously glanced down at Remus’ lips and realized with a start that his roommate was talking.

“—re you okay? Sirius?” 

“Remus, I—” he started, shifting his weight awkwardly and holding his roommate’s gaze for a moment before looking to a spot just past Remus’ ear instead. And then the rest of the words tumbled out of his mouth, fast and breathless and disjointed—the same way they’d been spinning around in his head all week. Once he’d started, he found he couldn’t stop, apologizing for every possible injury he might’ve inflicted on Remus. 

“I’m so _sorry,_ I wasn’t thinking and I didn’t _ask_ and I never meant to be insensitive or make you uncomfortable I’ve just been wanting to do that for so long and I thought you were bending down to kiss me anyway—on the head like you did in January—and all I could think about was how happy I was that you were home and okay and that you didn’t look happy at all so I wanted to make you feel better and I thought that maybe a kiss would help but obviously it didn’t and I swear I didn’t mean to take your first kiss away from you I just wasn’t thinking and I only did it because I lov-”

“Slow _down,_ Sirius, Jesus,” Remus finally interjected. He looked around carefully, and upon seeing that James and Lily had vacated their table, narrowed his eyes and sighed. 

“I think we should talk.”

Remus began walking towards the table and Sirius followed dolefully. He knew what ‘we need to talk’ conversations were usually about, and everything in him was saying that he should turn and run instead of hearing whatever Remus was about to say. He wasn’t ready to face the idea of losing the best person in his life, the _only_ person who’d ever seen him so fully, he realized with a start. How was he supposed to cope with that? He sat down at the table and immediately continued his commentary from before, halting when the words that Remus said sunk in. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand if you don’t want to—hold on. _What_ did you just say?”

Remus chuckled awkwardly and started gently tearing the edges of the cheap plastic tablecloth, refusing to look Sirius in the eye. “I overreacted. You didn’t deserve for me to walk out like that with no explanation and then not come back for days and not answer any of your messages and then block you and—” he stopped, realizing he was rambling. Remus wasn’t used to aimless commentary; his words were precise, measured, careful. But his apology put him on incredibly precarious ground. In apologizing, he admitted by implication that he hadn’t minded Sirius’ kiss at all, and that was a detail that he didn’t know how to dictate carefully. Thankfully, Sirius cut him off a moment later.

“I, uh...it’s fine?” Sirius offered, and Remus smiled gratefully. “But I think I owe you an apology more than you owe me one. I mean, _shit,_ Moon—” Sirius paused and corrected himself before lowering his pitch, not noticing the wounded look that crossed Remus’ face as he did so. “Er, Remus, I mean. You told me you’d never been kissed and I just...took that from you without even _asking._ I’m an asshole. I figured that was why you blocked me—it’s what I had you do after you and Matt broke up, after all.”

Remus’ whole demeanor softened at the mention of his former boyfriend. “Oh _God,_ you thought—I would never—Sirius, you’re the _furthest_ thing from Matt, I wouldn’t do that to you because of something like this.” 

Sirius looked at him quizzically. “But...you did?”

Remus sighed heavily and began bouncing his knee under the table. Admitting to the boy he liked that he liked him wasn’t in his plans for this evening and now that he was here, sitting across from Sirius, he wasn’t sure he could do it. If nothing else, he didn’t _feel_ ready to discuss such a big revelation, but as he looked back up at Sirius’ concerned expression, he realized his roommate—his _friend,_ his mind corrected—deserved as much, at least. He started speaking. And the words tumbled out, in the wrong order and meaning the wrong things and implying even worse ones.

“I—I don’t think of you like that,” he began, and Sirius’ face fell. Remus hastily moved to correct his error. “I mean—not like that. I don’t mean it that way, I just—you’re not an asshole. Well. You _are_ sometimes but it’s okay I think,” he paused. “I mean—” he stopped again to look up at Sirius, who looked even more confused than when they’d started talking. “Fuck, this is a mess, I’m sorry.” Remus ran a shaky hand through his hair and then dropped it on his lap and began fiddling with the tablecloth again.

“It’s just—Lily told me that you liked me and I—I didn’t want to believe that, because, well, you know,” he chuckled humorlessly, staring at the table as he continued, his pace speeding up as the words kept coming, “nobody’s ever liked me for _me_ and all that and I only _just_ broke up with Matt and _he_ started out as a decent guy too, but...he wasn’t. And then there _you_ were, and even though I think I’ve known for a while now, it only just became real in my mind last week and—” he paused to breathe and looked up to meet Sirius’ worried gaze, “that’s fucking _terrifying_ to me, because I wasn’t supposed to like anyone else, especially not so soon after Matt, and liking you was just asking to get myself hurt,” he said frantically.

“I’m—I’m a mess _,_ Sirius, I mean, just _look_ at me. But you’re _you,_ with your jeans and leather jacket and the bad boy persona and that _smile_ and you’re smooth and relaxed and confident and I—I don’t measure up to that. You could get with half the guys on this campus,” Remus said defeatedly, “why would you choose me?”

Sirius started to speak but Remus stopped him, taking a breath to compose himself and starting again with a calmer tone.

“I blocked you because I was scared. And every time I got a text from you it reminded me of how much of a _coward_ I was being, because the fact that you were texting to check on my well-being made my heart feel funny and I wasn’t quite sure how much longer I was going to be able to survive with that feeling in my chest,” he sighed, pointedly not looking at Sirius, who’d begun to grin as he recognized what Remus was saying, despite his roommate’s clear avoidance of the actual _words_ that would say it plainly. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you, it was a _stupid_ thing to do—even if I just told you I was alright or something, I could’ve—” he swallowed and shook his head as he began tearing the tablecloth again, “There were other ways, _better_ ways.”

Sirius subdued his smile a bit before reaching down and grabbing Remus’ hand. 

“Hey...it’s alright. I mean, maybe don’t do that again—scared the shit out of me, but...it’s okay. I get it. We all do stupid things when we’re scared.”

Remus looked up at that, and for the first time noticed the intense expression on Sirius’ face, as if his roommate was pleading with him to understand the deeper meaning behind his words. Remus dropped his head and stared at his hands.

“But you didn’t deser—”

“No, I did. I meant what I said earlier. I didn’t think things through or ask you if that was something you wanted and that wasn’t right. And when I saw you in the doorway, I was just so _happy_ that you were home, but...you didn’t seem like you were happy at all. I wanted to make you relax a bit or just _feel_ better, and I thought that maybe a kiss would help but,” he paused and took a deep breath before continuing, his gaze fixing firmly on the top of Remus’ head in hopes that the boy would look up soon and meet his eyes, “just because I’ve wanted to do it since October doesn’t mean it was appropriate.” A pretty flush spread across Sirius’ cheeks as he mentioned how long he’d harbored these feelings for his roommate. 

Remus’ head shot up at this, and noticed that his right hand was still in Sirius’. He slipped it out suddenly and Sirius frowned, but Remus was too preoccupied with the words that his roommate had said to notice. “Did you say _October?”_

Sirius nodded sheepishly. 

“You’ve been _...six months..._ how did I not…” Remus murmured, and the look of helplessness on his face was so endearing that Sirius almost forgot that he’d asked a question. He chuckled nervously before responding. 

“Yeah, it’s, uh...been a while.”

Remus looked at him closely, his brow furrowed. “So when you told me that I didn’t have to accept Matt’s treatment of me, you already…”

“Mmhm,” Sirius mumbled. 

“And when you said that you didn’t want Matt to be mad at me when we slept in your bed in January, you…”

“I—you seemed happy about having him, even if he didn’t treat you well. I didn’t want to be the reason you _weren’t_ happy.”

Remus tilted his head, confusion coloring his features. “But when Matt and I broke up—you never _said_ anything…”

“I wasn’t going to do that to you. You'd just been broken up with, and in an awful way. I didn’t want to—you needed time.”

“That’s...that was rather selfless of you,” Remus said as he looked away and began fidgeting with the torn plastic of the tablecloth again. Sirius wasn’t sure if Remus was embarrassed that Sirius assumed he needed time or that Sirius had given it to him. _Perhaps both,_ his mind supplied helpfully, and Sirius’ gaze softened as he shrugged his shoulders. 

“Well it didn’t help that I had no clue if you liked me at all,” a sly smile crept onto his face, “I had some suspicions after the day I had to take you to get your appendix out, but...I chalked it up to you being on drugs still.”

“You _—what?”_

Sirius had a bashful smile on his face, and it struck Remus that he’d never seen it before. It was _adorable,_ he realized with a start as Sirius responded to his question.

“How much do you remember from that night?”

Remus looked at him quizzically, biting his lip and furrowing his eyebrows as he did so. “Not much, really. I remember feeling like shit in class, then getting coffee and going to the bathroom and...it gets a bit fuzzy from there until my mom showed up. I have some vague memories of being carried somewhere? And then of waking up from surgery and realizing that my stomach was going to be sore and the nurse telling me I needed to stop moving around, but...that’s about it.”

“Mmm, that would do it.” Sirius murmured quietly, and Remus raised his eyebrows as he waited for an explanation. “You said you loved me.” Remus choked on his water, his eyes widening in surprise. “Four times, actually.”

Remus opened his mouth and then snapped it shut, instead exhaling out his nose for a long moment as he tried to collect his thoughts. He tilted his head back slightly, eyes closed to the boy sitting across from him, and stayed that way as he spoke. “I didn’t know I said that.”

“Obviously.”

“And I know that you don’t feel the same way,”

“That’s not—”

“And I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,”

“Remus, I—”

“So I’d understand if you don’t want anything to do with me.”

_“Remus!”_

Remus’ head jerked back down, his eyes finally opening to look worriedly at Sirius. “You don’t have to say it Sirius, I—”

“No, you don’t _understand._ I love you _too,_ you dork.”

Remus was silent for a minute, and Sirius watched him. He was blinking. Just...blinking. Staring unfocused at the tablecloth and blinking, his hazel eyes showing every emotion that he was feeling. And there were so _many_ of them. How Remus kept so much of that under control was a mystery to Sirius, but he sincerely hoped that he wasn’t about to get rejected in the middle of a first-year formal.

But Remus spoke again, a gentle tone the most he could muster after the short-circuiting that had just happened in his mind when Sirius said those words. “You...love me?”

A faint smile played at Sirius’ lips. “Was that not obvious from the fact that I’ve wanted to kiss you since October?”

Remus turned a very dark shade of pink, and Sirius placed his hand over his roommate’s again and squeezed gently. “I mean it, Moon Boy,” Sirius said with a shy smile, “I really do love you.”

Suddenly Sirius’ arms were full of Remus as his roommate launched himself onto Sirius’ lap and hugged him tightly.

“Remus?”

Remus’ voice was muffled, his face nestled against Sirius’ neck. “Do you mean it? Really?”

“Of course I do, why would I say that if I didn’t?”

Remus pulled back and looked at Sirius nervously before glancing away. “Everybody has, Sirius.”

Sirius stared at his roommate for a beat before gently grabbing his face, cupping Remus’ flushed cheeks in his hands. Remus looked down, and his refusal to meet Sirius’ eyes made the older boy’s heart twist uncomfortably. “Hey, look at me, would you?”

Remus gazed up through his eyelashes, and for the first time that night, Sirius noticed the greenish tint of his eyes. Remus was _nervous,_ and Sirius wasn’t sure how to reassure him that it was _okay,_ that he _did_ love him, that he wasn’t just going to abandon him on a whim like his past partners had. Sirius bent his head to touch his forehead to Remus’ softly. “I’m not everybody, though. I’m Sirius ‘Take No Shit’ Black, remember?”

Remus chuckled a little and Sirius smiled as he felt his own forehead shake slightly. He spoke again, his voice as quiet as he could pitch it against the still pulsing beat of the music over the speakers. 

“Remus, I don’t _love_ people. I mean—I _do._ But I haven’t had all that many people _to_ love, if that makes sense. It’s only been the people who’ve made me feel like I belong, like I was someone _worth_ loving—my brother, and Minnie…” he trailed off, “and _you._ I don’t say it often. I _haven’t_ said it since Regulus died. But I mean it, I swear.” 

Remus pulled his head back a little to look at his roommate properly. Sirius’ face was solemn, and despite Remus’ searching gaze, no aspect of his roommate’s expression betrayed any sense of teasing or deception. 

“You—you mean it,” Remus breathed out. 

Sirius smiled, his hands still on Remus’ cheeks. As soon as Remus realized it, he felt blood rush to the places where Sirius’ palms rested. Sirius dropped his hands from his roommate’s face, instead choosing to grab Remus’ hand off of the table as he stood. 

“Let’s go home, hm? We can talk about this more there.” 

Remus nodded shyly and followed Sirius out the door, his heart beating a bit too quickly for someone who’d only been sitting and talking for the last twenty minutes.

* * *

Remus was practically _giddy_ with happiness. Sirius’ hand was in his when the two entered their building. Sirius kept holding Remus’ hand as they walked up the stairs. And he was _still_ holding it when Remus slotted the key into the lock and opened the door. Once he’d realized that Sirius wasn’t letting go anytime soon, it was all he could do to continue walking and stop himself from staring at their connected hands in shock. So when Sirius’ hand shifted a bit in Remus’, the taller boy’s gaze shifted to his roommate’s face instantly, trying to determine if something was wrong. 

But Sirius was just rotating a bit to turn the lights on. Remus exhaled loudly in relief and Sirius sent him an amused look. 

“Bit nervous, are we?”

“Shut up,” Remus shot back, but he was smiling just as much as his roommate. He looked around for a moment before turning to Sirius. “Are James and Peter home?”

Sirius shook his head. “Just us. Peter’s at his Aunt’s house this weekend, and James went to stay at Lily’s place. Sent me a text about it while we were still at the venue.”

“Ah,” Remus said quietly. He glanced around the room again, unsure of what was supposed to come next. Were they going to kiss again? Remus didn’t think he would mind that, in fact, he thought that he’d very much like to try again. “Do you want to go to our room?”

Sirius looked over at Remus curiously. “D’you want to?” 

“I don’t—I wouldn’t mind it, I guess?” Remus said with a flush, and Sirius smiled gently. 

“C’mon then,” Sirius said, tugging Remus’ hand towards their room. 

Once they’d gotten inside, the two looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. And then Sirius started laughing, and once he’d started, he couldn’t stop. Remus looked at his roommate in confusion for a moment, but the longer he watched Sirius laugh, his free hand clutching his stomach and tears pooling at the corners of his eyes, the harder it became to keep himself from doing the same. Sirius’ laugh was contagious, and the way the two of them had been dancing around each other was so painfully awkward, and they hadn’t been in the same room in so long...Remus cracked a grin as well, and found himself laughing moments later. 

“I’m sor—sorry,” Sirius wheezed, his shoulders still shaking slightly, “it’s just—it’s like we’ve forgotten how to be around each other an—and you’re my best friend and I just can’t believe that we’re _being_ like this right now and I—”

Remus looked at Sirius and felt his heart stand still. Sirius’ face was flushed in an entirely ungraceful way, but he was grinning. Pink spread in uneven splotches across his cheeks from the combination of laughing and crying, and he was clearly trying to hold back any further laughter, or at least the twitching of his lips indicated as much. But it was _beautiful,_ Remus thought. The way Sirius looked when he was happy was a sight to behold, and somehow Remus had been given a front row seat to watch it. He turned abruptly, the hand holding Sirius’ turning his roommate towards him in the process. 

“Sirius,” he stated, his voice pitched lower than usual, “do you still want to kiss me?”

Sirius’ eyes, still crinkled in the corners from laughing, flew open in shock. He collected himself before responding breathlessly, “I always want to kiss you, Moon Boy.”

In what might have been the most elegant maneuver of his life, Remus dropped Sirius’ hand, brought his hands up to his roommate’s face, and pulled him close in one fluid motion. And then they were kissing, and if Remus thought his heart had stopped before...it was dead on the table now. Sirius clearly had _some_ idea of what he was doing, his lips gently moving against Remus’ own in a way that wasn’t too aggressive or demanding, just soft and sweet and tasting slightly of peppermint. Remus followed Sirius’ lead, leaning gently into the kiss and responding shyly. 

The first time they’d kissed, Remus hadn’t been expecting it—but he hadn’t disliked it, either. He’d been caught off guard, for sure, but he’d smiled for a moment before pulling away and backing out of the room. This time though, Remus smiled into the kiss and stayed _right_ where he was, not wanting to miss a second of what was happening. Sirius’ hand came up to the back of Remus’ head, his fingers gently twirling the curls of the taller boy’s hair. Remus let out a quiet noise, sighing contentedly into Sirius’ mouth, and he felt the older boy smirk against his lips. 

“Oh, you _liked_ that, did you?” Sirius quipped, before backing away slightly to look at his roommate, hand still resting in Remus’ curls. “This is all good, right? You’re okay with this?”

Remus, face flushed from the breath that Sirius had stolen from him with that kiss, nodded silently before pulling Sirius flush against him into a hug. “I’ve _missed_ you, Star Boy,” he said with a chuckle, dropping a kiss against the crown of Sirius’ head, “so damn much.”

Sirius smiled and tilted his head up so his forehead leaned against Remus’. “Me too,” he whispered, “maybe we should try not doing that again.”

A shy smile made its way onto Remus’ face and he nodded, before exhaling happily. “Speaking of things we _should_ do again…”

Sirius grinned, and Remus’ eyelashes fluttered closed as his roommate leaned in and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Obviously. But I think we’ve got an important matter to sort out first.”

Remus’ eyes opened slowly and he met Sirius’ gaze. “What’s that?”

“Are you going to be my boyfriend, or…?”

Remus’ breath caught in his throat. Sirius wanted to _date_ him? That was...more than he could’ve asked for. He smiled again, broadly this time, and nodded quickly before kissing Sirius’ forehead gently and letting out a happy sigh. Sirius thought that Remus’ smile could’ve lit up the whole room, and was suitably pleased when Remus nodded again. He closed his eyes as he felt Remus kiss his forehead and squeezed him tighter. 

“Well then. Now that we’ve gotten that settled,” he said with a chuckle, “movie night?”

* * *

**— June 10th —**

“You really didn’t need to do anything, Mrs. Lupin, it’s not that big of a deal,” Sirius said with a smile as he and Remus sat down at the kitchen table. 

“How many times do I need to tell you to call me ‘Hope’ before it sticks, Sirius?” Remus’ mom chided as she placed a plate of still-steaming chocolate chip pancakes between the two and headed back into the kitchen. “You made the Dean’s List, that’s worth celebrating!” 

Sirius blushed furiously, and Remus grinned at his boyfriend’s discomfort before intertwining their fingers and giving Sirius’ hand a slight squeeze. “A cool kid _and_ a scholar? How’d I manage to land you?”

Sirius rolled his eyes and huffed before grabbing some pancakes and moaning quietly. “Mrs. Lup—” he paused at the playful glare Hope sent him from the kitchen, “Erm, _Hope,_ these are _incredible.”_

“Cinnamon, dear. It’s the secret ingredient to half of Remus’ favorite desserts, if you’d believe it,” Hope called out from the other room. 

Now it was Remus’ turn to blush, and Sirius winked at him as he remembered the slightly spiced scent that lingered on all of his boyfriend’s sweaters. He didn’t find that hard to believe at all.

“You off work today, Mom?” Remus asked, changing the subject as Sirius smirked at him. 

“No, in for a double shift, be out around 3:30, I expect. Should be back by,” she paused as she walked to the dining room, wiping her hands on a dish towel, “8:30 tomorrow morning or so? Why, are you two planning something?” She looked between the two. “Should I be concerned?”

Both boys reddened at that, and Hope laughed from the left doorway. “Oh relax, I don’t care what you get up to. Be _safe,_ obviously,” she raised an eyebrow and looked at Remus, whose face darkened even further at his mother’s implication, “but do what you will. You’re both adults.”

 _“Mom!”_ Remus groaned in embarrassment before standing. “I’m going to make some tea, do you want any?”

Sirius shook his head and watched his boyfriend walk into the kitchen through the right doorway with a chuckle. After a month of dating, Remus’ facial expressions were even _more_ readable than they had been before. The embarrassed flush was endearing in Sirius’ opinion, but he knew Remus couldn’t stand the idea of being embarrassed by his mother in front of him. He looked over at Remus’ mom, who was still leaning against the doorframe, a smug grin on her face. 

“You did that on _purpose,”_ Sirius said, slightly in awe at the fact that Remus—rule following, mild-mannered _Remus—_ came from a person who clearly loved a good prank. Then he remembered the time that Remus washed all of his white shirts with a red sock the week before Valentine’s Day to ‘make him a hit with the men of campus,’ and realized that he probably shouldn’t be surprised at all. 

“So what if I did? I wanted to talk to you properly, and we both know that my son barely knows his way around a kitchen. It’ll take him at least ten minutes to get a cup of tea that doesn’t taste burnt.”

Sirius snorted. He’d been on the receiving end of Remus’ cooking attempts before, and he was pretty sure that in some countries they’d be considered a criminal offense. “You’re not wrong.” He glanced back at Remus’ mom, who’d taken her son’s seat at the table, and paled a bit. “Have I—Did I do something?” 

The smirk on Hope’s face softened to a gentle smile. “Not at all. I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright. Remus mentioned that you didn’t have a place to stay anymore?” 

Color rapidly flooded Sirius’ cheeks and he pointedly looked at the table instead of meeting Hope’s gaze. Mrs. Lupin grabbed a pancake from the platter and began tearing small pieces of it off. “I’m not mentioning it to make you uncomfortable, honey. I just want to make sure you’ve got someplace to go for the rest of the summer. I know Remus said something about James’ family, but you’re welcome to stay here until school starts back up.”

Sirius looked over at her in surprise. “I couldn’t do that, you’ve already let me stay for so long and—” 

_“And_ I don’t mind it. The house has been too empty without Remus here, and he’s happier with you around than I’ve seen him in a while,” she paused to eat some of the torn pancake pieces, “I’m glad you two finally got things figured out. I was wondering which one of you would make a move after that night in the hospital.” 

Sirius ducked his head sheepishly and took a sip from his water glass, and Hope smiled in satisfaction. “Was I right, then? You _were_ awake while I was talking to him, yes?”

Sirius choked on his drink. “You _knew?”_

Hope laughed. “I’ve been a nurse for twenty years, you think I don’t know when someone’s _pretending_ to sleep?”

“But—you didn’t _say_ anything.”

“He’d been telling his friends—and _me—_ about you for _months_ but wouldn’t say anything to you. It was getting painful to watch,” she stated plainly, as if sneakily ensuring her son’s now-boyfriend would hear her son’s declaration of his feelings was something she did every Tuesday. “He needed a push in the right direction, and you needed to hear how he felt.”

Sirius stared open-mouthed at her for a moment before exhaling, a grateful look on his face. “I suppose I should thank you then,” he said quietly, and Hope raised an eyebrow. “We only got together after I told him how many times he said he loved me when he was coming out of the anesthesia,” Sirius said with a chuckle. 

“I’ll bet he loved that,” Hope said, a mischievous smile on her face as she threw another piece of the pancake into her mouth, “Did he apologize for it?”

“It’s really uncanny how well you know your son, you know that?” 

“What can I say? He’s miserably predictable and I love him for it,” Hope said with a contented grin, “good kid, that one.”

“Lousy in the kitchen though,” Sirius offered as the two heard a crash followed by an ‘I’ve got it, I’m fine!’ from the room behind them. “Can I go…” Sirius trailed off, and Hope waved him away with her hand. 

“Go ahead, I’m heading to the store in a few minutes anyway,” she said as she stood up, smoothing her hair for a moment before pausing to fix Sirius with a particularly soft look. “Let me know if he’s _actually_ hurt himself, alright?”

Sirius nodded before walking into the kitchen and chuckling. Somehow, and Sirius _really_ couldn’t understand how he’d done it, Remus had managed to knock down all of the stacked pans that usually sat on the top shelf of the cabinet. He was restacking them into small piles on top of the stove now, and as Sirius watched, he leaned against the counter with a sharp inhale. Sirius was worried for a moment, but then Remus cemented his hands on the edge and hoisted himself up to sit on top of the counter, rotating his torso to grab the pans and replace them in their designated spots. Sirius snuck up behind him silently and snaked his arms around Remus’ chest in a gentle hug. The taller boy started at the action before looking down and smiling. 

“You dork,” he said affectionately as he turned around to face Sirius properly. “What are you doing here?” 

Sirius kept his arms circled around Remus as he moved to stand between the younger boy’s legs and leaned forward a bit. “Wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said as he pressed his lips to Remus’ cheek, “and that you hadn’t hurt yourself,” his lips moved to Remus’ nose, “or burnt the kitchen down,” he finished before bringing his lips down to connect with Remus’ briefly. Remus scowled at the last comment. 

“I was making _tea,_ not sautéing vegetables over an open flame!”

“And yet you _somehow_ managed to knock down _every one_ of your mother’s pans. There are plenty of things to love about you, Moon Boy, but your skills in the kitchen leave plenty to be desired,” Sirius said with a sweet smile. “I’ll forgive it, though. You’re a good taste-tester at least, that’s enough for me.”

Remus rolled his eyes and hopped off of the counter. “What’d my mom want to talk to you about, then?”

“What is it with you two? Both of you, predicting each other’s moves like that—it’s really weird to watch, you know,” Sirius said, shaking his head gently. “Anyway, she told me I could stay here all summer if I wanted.”

“Do you want to stay?”

Sirius looked over at Remus shyly. “D’you want me to?” 

“I wouldn’t mind it,” Remus said with a smile as he wrapped his arms around Sirius to return the hug. “I’d love it if you stayed, actually.”

“You sure?” Sirius said quietly, “What if you get sick of me after a few weeks?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius, we spend _every day_ together at school. I’m not going to get sick of you just because you’re here instead of there.”

“Oh.”

“Goofball.”

“Hey! I’m not a goofball,” Sirius said indignantly, “I’m a dork.”

“Semantics, they’re all the same,” Remus said with a grin. “And anyway, you’re not just _a_ dork, you’re _my_ dork.” He leaned down to kiss Sirius’ forehead. “Did I mention that I was proud of you, by the way? You had a rough year, making the Dean’s List was fantastic.” Sirius blushed and leaned his head against Remus’ shoulder. 

“Have I mentioned that I love you recently?” Sirius sighed, and Remus chuckled. 

“Once or twice.”

“Mm, good. Wouldn't want you to forget.”

Remus laughed again, and Sirius felt the gentle vibrations of his boyfriend’s stomach against his own. He smiled before pulling back to look at Remus. His face was bathed in the sunlight from the window, making the reddish tones in his hair stand out and highlighting the smattering of freckles across his nose. His eyes were more brown than green, and his mouth was fixed in what appeared to be a permanent smile as he gazed down at Sirius with a loving expression. “C’mon, I have a plan.”

“You do?”

“Of course,” Remus said, dropping his arms from around his boyfriend and grabbing a hand instead. “I think you’re going to like it, too.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow in disbelief, but let himself be tugged away with a smile. The two ended up in Remus’ bedroom, the late morning sunlight piercing through the gaps of the blinds to make a striped pattern on the floor. Sirius took a deep breath as his boyfriend covered his eyes with a nervous chuckle. 

“Keep them closed? I have to take my hands away but don’t peek, alright?”

“Scout’s honor,” Sirius said with a vague notion over his heart, and Remus snorted. Sirius heard the sound of Remus’ quiet footsteps making their way across the floor and took a deep breath while he waited. The room smelled like Remus—like cinnamon and cedar and just a _hint_ of chocolate—and Sirius let the scent wash over him with a happy sigh. It had become one of his favorites, Sirius realized, tied to memories of late night cuddles and stealing sweaters and good morning kisses. 

“Almost ready,” Remus said from a spot across the room, disrupting Sirius’ quiet musings. There were a few more moments of rustling noises, and then—

“You can open your eyes now.”

Sirius blinked a couple of times to let his eyes readjust to the light before glancing over at where his boyfriend was standing, fidgeting nervously next to a basket.

“Can I…” Sirius gestured towards the basket, and Remus nodded, biting his lip in a painfully adorable way that Sirius promised himself he’d circle back to later. 

He opened it up and found a box of miniature cupcakes, a stack of books, and a DVD version of _—no,_ Remus’ wouldn’t have, would he? “Did you get _The Prestige?”_ Sirius said in shock as he glanced up to look at Remus. His boyfriend was still biting his lip, but a rather endearing shy smile had crept onto his face.

“I wasn’t about to go full _Gladiator_ again, not after last time,” Remus said and Sirius rolled his eyes playfully, “but I thought I remembered you mentioning how much you liked this movie, and I’ve never seen it, so I figured we could watch tonight?”

“And the cupcakes and the books?” Sirius asked quietly, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth, “what are those for?”

“To eat and to read, _obviously._ I would’ve made the cupcakes myself, but…”

“We’re all glad you didn’t, Moon Boy. Then I really _would_ have been worried about the kitchen burning down.” 

Remus gave Sirius a gentle shove, but took the teasing in stride. “Yeah yeah, I get it. So,” he gestured down at the basket, “picnic time?”

Six hours later saw the boys curled up in Remus’ bed, afternoon light bathing the room in warm tones. The movie was about to begin, and Sirius had nestled himself carefully into Remus’ chest as the two leaned back against the pillows. Remus inhaled Sirius’ scent, minty and cool and fresh, and leaned down to give him a kiss before frowning as Sirius leaned just out of reach. 

“Nuh uh, you know the rules,” Sirius said lazily.

“You’re really not going to kiss me until I say it, are you?” Remus said as Sirius smirked. The younger boy shook his head in mock exasperation. “I love you to the moon and back, Star Boy,” Remus said quietly, a soft smile on his face as he tugged Sirius closer. 

“And I love _you_ to the stars and beyond,” Sirius said back, cuddling into Remus’ chest with a contented hum before leaning up to kiss him gently. The two relaxed into each other beneath the light blankets and their eyes slipped closed slowly, Sirius first, Remus minutes later. 

When Hope Lupin arrived home from work the next morning, she peeked into Remus’ room and grinned. Walking over to the bed and dropping a kiss on her son’s forehead, she pulled out her phone and captured a quick picture. _She was going to want that for the wedding._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IT IS. 
> 
> I feel a bit conflicted about finishing this story.
> 
> On one hand, I'm really proud of it! I've never finished a long fic before, so getting this done feels...kind of incredible? (I started writing on 1/1/21, so this is basically the equivalent to me doing NaNoWriMo and I screamed when I realized that lol.)
> 
> On the other, I'm going to MISS this story loads. 
> 
> As I said at the beginning, this was based on a story I wrote in college that was based loosely in real life. At the time, I shared a suite with three people that I didn't know well, and kept finding odd ways that I'd run into them—so I wrote it into a fic. But rewriting it with Remus and Sirius has been delightful and incredibly therapeutic (especially given the mess of a month that January has already been), so thank you dearly to each of you who left commented, followed, or left kudos. 
> 
> Grateful for you all, see you sometime soon! 
> 
> xo Andie


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